Jump In With 2 Feet Or Run????

I have been in a relationship with a divorced man for almost 2 years, the first year he had just been seperated and we were just friends and now that everything is settled with the ex wife everything is starting to seem more and more real every day. I am now starting to feel concerned and am developing a jealous issue with everything that I will be second to.
He has had 2 children with the previous wife, they had an elaborate wedding and spared no expense, he proposed to her with a house and a ring and said the lets have a family. Here it is fast forwarded to 12 years later and I am sitting here wondering if I should really meet his children? Will I be able to accept the feelings and look past the feelings of being second.
As, I have never been married, never had children and never been proposed to, I feel as if nothing could be as special to him as he has already been there and done that. No matter what he say's I can't seem to shake those feelings and even though I knew he had a past when we started to see eachother, I think now that things are becoming more real these fears are presenting themselves more and more with each day.
As I read the stories on this forum I find myself more and more doubtfull, Is there any good that can come from this? I love this man with my whole heart and I know he loves me, there is just so much past and future of having an ex wife. I have never met the ex but as far as I have heard she has totally become a money hungry Boa constricter.... He pays more than enough child support and day care expenses and she wants to have the right to take an annual increase as his wages increase. I wonder and worry how much of my life is going to be revolving around her and her nasty attitude(from what I have heard from his friends, family and himself). He left her the house the car and all the funiture, without a fight (he is just that kind of person, whatever is best for the children). I fear that his lack of fight will lead to me having to defend my rights as when we take the next steps in our lives ...ie children, house, wedding, then his responsiblities become mine as well and I am not the type of person to roll over and play dead, I am the type of person to find every possible way to take back what is rightfully mine. When her money hungry attitude eats into my pocket and my future childrens lives and prevents my man from seeing his children as he is to broke to go and visit (2hour drive each way and he drives and old truck, because he left her the new car).
So I guess what I need is some advice from women who have been there, Is the amazing love and appreciation and compassion and the way life just flows with him worth all the potential headaches and the potential dissapointments of being the second runner over the bases?
PLEASE HELP... I want to make the right decision and your inputs and expierences would really help me know exactly run or work through it cause it can be rewarding
JJ87 JJ87
26-30, F
3 Responses May 16, 2012

I know how you feel. It's very confusing. I'm going through the same thing and people keep saying to run. Yet I wonder if I'll regret giving up on this wonderfull relationship... =( hope you can find an answer.

I would suggest you drop this whole thing. There are too many problems and they will become even worse. Why would you need to be a steparent to 2 kids that possibly will never even like you? Share your money stake with the other family, especially when you will have kids on your own? He has a heavy baggage that you will need to help him lift. Are you sure you want this for the rest of your life? In any marriage there are enough problems as it is, here its complicated from the start. Start looking for somebody else, might be divorced but with NO kids. Trust me.

been there done that! It is better for your man to not fight the ex. If that starts, may lead to more money with lawyers fees. It is easier to walk away and let her have everthing, then start over with you (home, furnishings etc) With saying that,,, the amount set out to pay IE: child support, extra curricular etc..should be the only amount of money given for the support of his kids.<br />
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I was a 2nd wife. Married, blended family, and had kids of our own. He was still obligated to pay child support and sometimes money was very very tough as I stayed home with baby..eventually I had to go back to work. The payments were simply a part of our budgeting and yes...I was unhappy about it, but new it was the responsible thing to do. She would send notes with the kids weekend visits with instructions ( meds, sports etc) and that is OK...she was the primary parent and new the schedule. We did also all get along - to a point....<br />
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If you are feeling the way you are now..it will get worse and those feelings will show and arguements will start in your R. You should have a heart to heart talk with him about your concerns expecially the one where you wont like to see him "roll over" for her demands.<br />
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Also - you are the "current" (wife). I dont like the term "2nd" as it comes across as a negative and inferior to the "previous" wife.<br />
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Being in a blended family is tough to do! But - love should prevail!