Second to Everything...

I hate being placed second in my own life.  The day my husband and I married, we knew we couldn't afford an all-out celebration - so we planned for a private, quiet ceremony over at the courthouse and decided to have a quiet dinner and dessert.  We let family know, and planned for a later get-together party.  On the day of our marriage, my husband booked an outing with a friend to go see a movie.  I was beside myself.  I yelled.  I cried.  I didn't understand any of it.

I came across a home video of his first wedding, which he explained he kept because it was the only footage he had of some of his deceased friends.  I committed self-torture and watched the whole thing, and it hurt to know that he had put so much devotion of effort and heart put into the whole production and couldn't muster an evening out with me for our own day.  My husband's excuse is that he was "forced" into the festivities.  The difference with me and his first wife is that she manipulated him into doing everything that she wanted and he learned not to go down that path again.  So there's no compromise that's been left for me.

Do I appreciate my husband's past?  Yes.  Does he empathize what I go through?  No.

wickedstepmother wickedstepmother
26-30, F
17 Responses Apr 14, 2007

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I know how you feel, I just let my dream house go because he didn't want to feel like he was getting talked into it like the last one. It's like you are suffering for their past mistakes

Gotta love being second in life....All that means is I got a crappy deal on a used husband....

You have a choice to make. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? If no tell him you do not want a life like that and you love him but you love yourself too. Do not ask for a divorce but pray. If you do want that life just know that you could end up being someone you hate. I was in a marriage that I never mattered my feelings anything and I ended up looking for happiness at the bottom of a bottle. I never would have thought id end up like that but when you feel worthless (by your feelings or wants not being considered you are being told you aren't worth it) you want to feel better how you can. Pray God answers

Hi Wickedstepmother (love your nickname)! I think we are in a bit similar situation. I am second-wife-to-be and I've heard similar 'excuses' from my husband to be be. I found his wedding photos the other day and when asked why does he keep them I've heard 'I don't know'. What's going to be really yummy is that he insists to move over to his homeland and live with his parents (they need looking after, so fair enough) but there comes a juicy part: his mum still keeps his old family pictures (yes, of him and his ex smiling like there where the happiest people on the face of Earth) on the walls! You can image how excited I am about the whole idea!

My mother in law mailed him all his old love letters from when he & his first wife dated, etc. PLUS she made me sit through a long story shortly after we married about how her stepmom stole her and her siblings inheritance. I have yet to recover from that crap PLUS all the family photos I can't get rid of. It all sucks!

I can relate.....I have been married twice....and for my second wife its her first marriage.......though we didnt have a big do, she had issues with some of the things i did then compared to now.......since we share everything, i have been honest......<br />
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stuff like how we made love in strange places...........how i would go out of my way to impress her..........how i seem more strict towards the children now..................how well groomed i was then...........now i shave less............dont wear ties or suits..........and enjoy being casual.........my family seems to treat her differently..............<br />
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and at times i cant answer.........i just tell her that i was young, it was my first experience, and those experiences helped shape who i am today......someone she learnt to love............more compassionate...........helpful........not too arrogant.................respectful.........................patient.................but still far from perfect..........<br />
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i do realise that i have to do something spontaneous every now and then just to let her know that she is the one i was preparing to be with........

I appreciate your honesty and your willingness to show your wife that she matters more than your first wife. Wish all men were like that. I think we would see a lot less posts here if they were :)

Feel ya..but is even worse is my number is foruth wife n this is my first marriage. He was great till two weeks into married life he flipped that i said the same thing his last wife did. And she ended up leaving him. I was being honest she lies to get her way still n he dosent get why im in a different bedroom now? Five years this aug n its been stupid me who is trying to his trust earn ?? Really i gotta believe i was just in love to try so long. No more i never will take that old hated name of wife again. N i want my married name off my back

This is so my life! I am second to everything....he asks my opinion then interrupts two words into my answer and does what he wants. I am a glorified nanny and maid and I am sick of being the only 'parent' who disciplines and being blamed for everything. we are days from divorce being a reality and I can't decide if i'm excited to be out or angry for being in this position or disappointed because he never made me a priority or equal or what. Sooo not sure what to do. Any help or advice is welcome!

i wish they could just understand my divorce is in process now for the same reason

Yes sometimes being a second can be great,coz he choosed you after his failure from his first one!And most of the times its a hell,a stressed and other some sorts of feelings,but what you can do your already there?Its so easy for the others to say why your still staying?Give him a divorce?Hell, i hope its easy as it is, but its not,coz marrying is not like" EATING A HOT FOOD AND WHEN YOU FEEL ITS BURNING IN YOUR MOUTH YOU"LL THROW IT AWAY".!For me,i never appreciate to be a second!To be a second wife is a huge failure,espicially if it is your first marriage!!Though above all these,if you knew it from the beggining and still its your decision wholeheartedly to marry him,,then all your complains and everything is USELESS.!!!!

I agree, but sometimes we are blind to see the reality ahead. And really don't have experience of it and until we really walk through it. I am second wife myself, and everyday whenever my husband and his exwife talk, I always ask myself, why did I end up being here? I never imagine myself being the second one. I always wanted to be the first in everything, yet I end up being the second for the rest of my life. I even include a baby on it. I am so devastated and always on the edge of getting divorce. I could never talk to my husband, because he always gets angry and whenever I tried to tell him it made no difference only gets worse.

everything is in your hand .you will create u r destiny and the man plan a bit by bit of his future by his choice of his action.since u have a relatilonship keep it live and die for it

I can relate to all the story because im a 2nd wife, and really i hate to be a second, i feel so unfair for everything, since i joint to there family i feel that no body like me because i have different nationality, i never experience to attend any family affair, discrimination even for kids, after all what i read i think im going to force him for a divorce...

Marrying you doesn't give him the license to punish you indirectly due to his past. He has the power to change or at least recognize your sacrifices for choosing to be with him.

Marrying you doesn't give him the license to punish you indirectly due to his past. He has the power to change or at least recognize your sacrifices for choosing to be with him.

Everyone has a past try not to compare yourself to his old life old wife.if your so unhappy why do you stay??don't settle for anyones worse make them see u want the best.and I hope it gets better he obviously married u cuz he loves u that has to count for something

I am tired of fighting for my place in our relationship, I am tired of always trying so hard to get the little things every woman needs from her man. I am tired of being the less important one. He doesn't understand or he doesn't care to understand how it feels when he pays his ex's bills cause she only wants his money, and as I am always the nice one who loves Him I get screwed in the whole deal. Sure she is a shameless ex who constantly asks for money and she is a 50 years old woman who refuses to work even though the kids are grown. As for me, I don't ask for anything, so of course this is a battle I will constantly loose, cause I am not a shameless immoral woman, who screws around with her boyfriend and expects her ex to pay her bills. The worst thing is that I am helpless and powerless, cause the one who can do something about it is my boyfriend who is ok with the situation. But when I come to him with my financial needs he tells me I turn this great love we have into a money issue. Bullshit! If this was such a great thing, he would not be letting me feel like I come second to his ex, and completely ignore my feelings. Cause in the end, I will be the one going through all the good and bad with him, while his ex will discard him the first moment she no longer has gain from him! So if that is his choice, I will learn to live without him, knowing that in the end he will be regretting missing out on the opportunity to have love in his life.

i am going through the same thing and imagine i am maried to this man and whenever i ask for money he always threatens to divorce me...it hurts alot

I can't say I am in the same situation as all my husbands money issues with his ex are in the past. But I do understand how hurtful it is to feel like his ex is or was getting more "attention/affection" money wise. It sucks and it does make you feel like a second class citizen.

I've noticed similar thing. I'm second-to-be and comparing to what he give to his ex he doesn't do even tenth of the effort towards me. Not that I expect it but it just seem sometimes like the best thing for him to do would be to go and find s 'sugar-mama' ... Why do they get involved in relationship again if they are not able to get over the past and start fresh?

His behaviour does sound a bit extreme, in my opinion. I would hazard that it's a reflection of the fact that he has some very deep wounds from his previous marriage - especially with trusting the desires and needs of his partner. This is not fair on you though, perhaps it's something that you can work through together and be much stronger for it.

However, he did marry you. So you have him first - before anyone else. So perhaps you should focus on him and not on his ex and what she did to him. You cannot change what happened but you can make him so happy to be married to you all the other stuff doesn't matter.<br />
Good luck<br />
--- a third wife