Deceived Second Wife

My husband was divorced when I met him. I hesitated dating a divorced man but when I found out he didn't have any children and the ex lived out of the country I went ahead since I thought he was a decent guy. It was hard to date a once divorced man for someone like me who didn't really have that much experience in dating. I wasn't comfortable when I found some photos of his ex still in his photo albums. In the early part of dating, he still even referred to her as his wife. I backed off and he went after me reassuring me that he is over her and that he just hadn't had a chance of geting rid of the photos. He did get rid of photos and other furniture that they once shared.He reassured me then that there's no more contact as there's no reason to as they don't have any children. Being introduced to their mutual friends was hard. Some friends of his made it a point of asking my husband (boyfriend then) where the ex was in front of me. You can imagine how this made me feel so uncomfortable. There were also people who made it a point of saying how beautiful this ex's country is and how poor my home country is. Worse, I was even called by the ex's name by my husband's father (67 years old then). I know he was old but I couldn't understand how someone could be not sensitive to anybody's feelings. Well I overlooked all that because my husband promised me there's no contact between them. He said he was never happy in that marriage and that woman left him twice. Once when they were living here in the US, and once when they moved back to the woman's home country. He said he also dated other women after they were separated so it gave me the reassurance that I wasn't just a rebound. We dated for a year and got engaged for another year before we married. Well fast forward to 19 years later, after 2 children and 2 interstate moves, I uncovered a bunch of e-mails between the 2 of them and discovered that they have been in touch with each other ever since. My husband was updating her with our lives, their mutual friends and families minus one thing- me. He even made a point of telling her that he still missed the country where they had met and still considers it his home. I've always told him he is my home, but apparently I'm not for him. He was also helping her set up all her financial issues left over here in the States. Worse, she hasn't even filed the divorce papers to legalize in her home country. Now, he's refusing to leave and wants to work it out. I don't believe I can ever forgive him. But I can't just walk away either because we have 2 children involved here. My advise to young women out there: never marry a divorced man unless they give you absolute promise and in writing that they are no longer emotionally involved with their exes.
Midwestern2 Midwestern2
2 Responses Sep 20, 2012

divorced men are divorced for a reason. I have been the second wife for 7 years and it is MISERABLE. ALL he cares about are his bratty self centered kids from his first marriage and me and our son get **** on. I hate and resent him and am considering leaving the piece of ****.

I am completely baffled by your personal story; and this has been weighing heavy on my heart for the last few days. I didn't want to "not respond", but how I respond seems to make a difference. At first I thought you mistakenly sent this to me; but then I realized that this was a way of reaching out to me, possibly as a hope that I could provide some insight/help to your situation. If you would like to talk, or if there is anything I can do, I would be honored to in any way. With a saddened heart, SBMoline