I Hate Always Being Second

So this is my first marriage and my husbands second.  I should have known it would be trouble when my future inlaws told me that there is now reason to spend money on a wedding and people have already been to a roberts wedding.  so i went and had my wedding 5 states away with 4 people present.  no honeymoon.  when we get back and i move into his house i find his wedding pictures and love letters.  just great at least someone had a nice wedding.  i was bitter enough about that.  now i am expecting my first child, his second.  ( wasn't expected at this time but what are going to do)  so i will never be first in his life or will my children  his ex has already decided for the stepson that he hates me so that is just wonderful.  i  hate not having memories of my wedding.  we are planning a nice "wedding" for our five year anniversary/vow renewal.  but i don't think that will change how i feel.   does it ever get better?  i feel at my breaking point.
always2nd always2nd
26-30, F
17 Responses Aug 11, 2007

i know how u feel.. like u, im still on that stage of "grieving". i dont like being a second wife,the mere term second does not sound good, and every now and then hed recall some good memories he had with his ex which i find disrespectful.je does that to make me jealous, but the thing is i dont love him anymore and i juz cant wait to leave him.

I hope that your still trying to work things out. I went through the same thing. I didn't have a wedding and we just went to Las Vegas. It's been 3yrs and I'm still kicking myself about not having a wedding or a honeymoon. It does get better and time does heels all wounds. And yes this is a wound because your hurting and don't let anyone tell you different.

It has been really comforting reading all these stories/comments. I am really scared as I am dating someone who is 17 years older and I love him and want so badly to marry him and have a family. But, he was married for 5 years and has a son close to my age (He got married at 19 and had son at 20) His son is married with 2 small children so my bf is a young grandfather. I am only 30 so it has been a struggle because he has gone through it and his son has a family now and I don't feel like I fit in especially since I so badly want the connection they all have. They seem like one big happy family. It doesn't help that my younger sister recently got married and has a 1 yr old and they invite my bf and his granddaughter to everything like my life isn't good enough on its own. They treat my bf as if his grandchildren are his children. I feel like I am were I am supposed to be but I sometimes feel like I am being indirectly asked to move from single person to grandma without having a family of my own. I am just so sad and confused about it because I love him. It also doesn't help that we live 10 minutes from his son and his family who lives down the street from his ex.

Hi always second, gee, I've been with my husband for 28 years and I don't see MYSELF that way. Actually, we were BOTH married before, so this is a 2nd marriage for both of us. <br />
<br />
I don't care about not having a big wedding the 2nd time, I didn't have one or want one the first time either. I'm an accountant and far too practical to blow that kind of money on a 1 day event--I'd rather spend it on a car, or on a downpayment on a house, any day! <br />
<br />
And nope! He never kept any wedding pictures or love letters from his first wife--and I have NO DOUBT he wouldn't want them! He never even liked her to begin with, and never could figure out how she managed to wrangle him to marry her, so that's not a problem either.<br />
<br />
The problem for me is that even though he cut all contact with her over 15 years ago as soon as his 2 daughters were old enough for him to make all arrangements directly with them, the woman continues to literally STALK him--to this very day! Of course, it if was just HER, who cares, but she's managed to recruit and suck a number of MY in-laws into her delusional schemes. Oh, she doesn't really want my husband because she actually cares about him--after 28 years, she doesn't even KNOW him! However, he was flat-broke when they divorced and now that he's doing rather well, she wants to cash in! <br />
<br />
It's so beyond psychotic, I feel like I've stepped into a nighmarish alternative reality. I mean, we had an attorney threaten her with stalking charges and legal action and that seemed to work, for a while anyway, but she's right back at it! <br />
<br />
So I'd have to say that even after OVER 28 years, nope! It still hasn't gotten any better. <br />
<br />
Best of luck!

hi always 2nd, i'm so glad I ran into your post, because for almost 7 years, i've felt very alone. I understand exactly what you feel because I'm going through the same thing. I'm glad i found someone who understands how it feels. My husband married his first wife when he impregnated her after knowing her for a month, since she refused to have an abortion ( he married her because she was a japanese didn't have a green card.) I guess because she's rich, and they've never been married before, they had a wedding. They didn't even live together for 1 year, but he stayed legally married to her until she gets her green card. She still has the hots for him (my husband's very handsome, he was a model)- and tries to keep in touch with him in every way possible, using her daughter as an excuse. And yes, he LETS her. Just like you, i never had a wedding either, and it makes me feel so sad because i've dreamed of one since I was a little girl.I thought our love is real and deserves to be celebrated more than her green card marriage. And for some reason, my in laws love her, and keep talking about her in front of me. I think it's very insensitive of them. If you want to share experiences with me, you're welcomed to- anytime. I know it feels better to talk to someone who understands.

I just found this site and ironically your post was the first one I saw. I've known my husband for 6 years - we've been married for almost 4. We were married by a retired judge with his then 5 year old daughter present.. that was it. I didn't have an engagement ring, no honeymoon - it was so eventful that I can't remember anything about that day. I wore a hot pink dress with white flowers. Even almost 4 years later I'm angry, bitter and completely pissed off. His ex-wife had it all - the nice wedding, a nice ring, a 7 day cruise to the Bahamas, they had a nice house, two nice cars... everything. We now have two children together and I don't see it ever getting any better.

I just found this site and ironically your post was the first one I saw. I've known my husband for 6 years - we've been married for almost 4. We were married by a retired judge with his then 5 year old daughter present.. that was it. I didn't have an engagement ring, no honeymoon - it was so eventful that I can't remember anything about that day. I wore a hot pink dress with white flowers. Even almost 4 years later I'm angry, bitter and completely pissed off. His ex-wife had it all - the nice wedding, a nice ring, a 7 day cruise to the Bahamas, they had a nice house, two nice cars... everything. We now have two children together and I don't see it ever getting any better.

I am so in the same situation. I hate it. And unless my hubby starts making ANY show that I value more than the ex and I not sure it will ever get better for me either.

Oh my! This is so familiar! As I sit hear today wondering why does this still get to me. It's been 21 years since we met and his daughter was 6 months old. Today we are married, 2 more kids 8 and 10 and my stepdaughter is 20. I love her and always have. I love that my two little kids have a big sister and I am sure she loves them right back.<br />
My problem is the x wife and the power she still has over my husband. A power that I have NEVER ever ever been able to exercise over him. In fact, he is completely and totally so not into giving me an inch because he feels his wishywashyness in his first marriage is to blame for many of the problems in that marriage. So now he has dug in his heels and "wont make that mistake again". Needlesstosay, I dont get an inch outta this guy.....but his xwife still plays him like a fiddle and MOST IMPORTANTLY HERE - HE LETS HER!<br />
Damn, I want to rationalize these feelings of never being number one to him and my little kids never being number one to him but I just cant put it to rest in my mind. I try so hard to just focus on me and my kids and how fantastic they are and how much I ADORE them, but this stuff his still hear between me and him and I just want it to go away. I have carried this burden for 20 years and thought it would be put to bed by now.......ANY IDEAS FROM ANYONE - I HATE THIS!!!

I'm a new member on this site and I have been having some problems in my marriage because of my husband's youngest <br />
20yr. old daughter wanting him to herself! Which is very hard for me to understand, I've known her every since she was 3yrs. old this all started when I became his wife after living together for a 11yrs. Which at the time she was 16yrs. old and she cried at my wedding stating she didn't want me to take her dad away from her. That was a hard thing for me to swollow since my husband knew how she felt but he never told me until after the wedding a week later, he stated he thought she would be ok with it after they had a long talk. I told my husband he should have told me about this and that we both could have talk with her together but my husband feels he has total control over everything which he doesn't and our lives couldn't be anymore messed up then it is now! So believe me I know how hard it is to be a second wife it just is'nt easy.

I was with a woman in this same way. We lived in her home town, with her family all around. I knew no one there. It seemed like for the first year all I did was meet her ex'as. A couple she had children with. I like kids, ya they need their dad. But man, every holiday, every weekend away, evry BBQ, I thought I would run into this guy in my own bathroom some morning. He was there all the time, then the guy moves in with my ex'as parents. I stayed with her for quite a while. I got the hell out of there!!!! I was second every time. Not any more. I think out of respect, he should have at least had the love to have pictures and her memory in a proper place. He should know how you feel, you did tell him right?Honesty, calm, heart sharing honesty, this can move mountains. If that don't work, do what I did, I am much happier now.

My husband and I are on our second marriages, so for us, things seem to feel on even ground. He talks so much to me how his first marriage to his ex wife always seemed un balanced, unstable, and in so many words, there never seemed to be any mutual respect. They were married 7 years and had two daughters. Their daughters live with their grandparents, and hate both my husband and their mother, and do not at all know me. For this, I feel guilty by the mere fact that i'm associated with their father, someone who they hate. <br />
But, besides for negative feelings that coincide with some aspects of our marriage, I feel our marriage to each other is stronger than theirs ever was. We are in our second year, and I can tell you, that although our situations are different, the first year of our marriage to each other sometimes depressed me when I thought of his daughters who wanted nothing to do with him and who also did not want to meet and get to know me.<br />
I came into their lives well after their parents divorced, but even still, I feel guilty that I could be married to someone who could bring out feelings of hatred, and their feelings of need for a separation from him and their mother.<br />
Though I still sometimes have these negative feelings of guilt and confusing feelings of abnormality about the extended members of our family, our central family which includes my 6 year old daughter from my previous marriage and our new baby daughter has become the center of our attention and our family unit feels like our family unit. <br />
So keep up hope. Own what's yours. Soon you will have a baby, and the past will become even more the past.

look Rockybear find yourself, and stop worrying about your husband ,try not to be a person on his psychic food chain and live for yourself it all comes together in the end when you become number 1, and then when the baby gets there he or she will be number1 you can't teach a child self worth if you haven't any self worth yourself off the pitty pot kid start finding reasons to love yourself so you can give a healthy love to your baby

hi, i just found out about this website and was reading about being a step mom...and then i came across ur entry....i cant believe how similar our stories are,,, i hate being a second wife too...... i didnt have a wedding ...infact we got married in court. he has an 8 yr old boy who lives with us. no honeymoon. and my husband cudnt understand why i would be so upset to see pictures of his first wedding...they still have the family tree up wiht his first wifes name on there....<br />
i dont know how u r doing....but if u would like to talk to someone...i will be willing....

i had been to his house but i didn't live there. so no i never cleaned things out

I so sympathize with you. My wife is the second one. We have no children but I have two from my previous marriage. There were rough times at first. My daughter, of course, was my little princess who could do no wrong. I think most people are hardwired to value their children as the most important things in their lives. But this does not lead to harmony in a second family!<br />
<br />
Yes, it gets better. However important they are, children grow up and move away. It happens quickly, even though it may not seem so while it's happening. Bitter memories of certain situations may remain, but they don't come to the forefront very often. Shared experiences lead to bonding as strong as could be wished.<br />
<br />
I would urge you to hang on and after a while the previous marriage will recede into the past and your life will be as happy as if it were the first marriage for both of you.<br />
<br />
Good luck!

How long have you been married?? How long did you know each other BEFORE you got married?? You never went to house before you married him??

it can get better but that's between you and your husband... you have to be willing to overlook what you feel you missed out on (which is just a big pain the butt - a wedding.) and he has to be willing to put you and your child together first before his exwife. BUT the children (collectively - his and yours together) will ALWAYS come first as children should. if you don't already, i suspect when you have your child you will understand this more - putting children ahead of yourself. <br />
<br />
as for the exwife ... don't let her get to you. that's her way of continuing to control him and continuing to affect him. don't allow her to use you as a vessel to get to him ... just go on treating her son with love and respect, kindness and fairness as well as a gentle but firm hand. make decisions based on what's best for this child rather than based on emotion as his mother is. when the child is old enough to see things for what they are and were ... you'll be quite the hero!<br />
<br />
good luck!