I Am Confused And Tired

Girls I am so glad I found you! I do not "hate" my stepdaughter I am just fedup!!! I married her dad 5 years ago and up until about 5 months ago we were sort of ok. Her mother left (due to circumstances) when she was 2. The court gave her and her brother to my husband - sole custody. That should say a lot? My husband were in a few relationships, and amazingly enough, every woman had issues with her. Now every time I try to discipline her and teach her manners she would get aggravated and we will have a HUGE fight because I am bullying her and I am being mean to her. My husband works long hours and then I am the one that needs to take care of her and her brother (by the way she is 14 turning 15 soon and he is 13). My husband also works away quite a lot. I had the stupid idea that I am now her mother (albeit stepmother) and tried and teach her some manners and values. She doesn't want to do anything unless there is some monetary value in it, not even her schoolwork. That to me is disgusting and setting the field for a disaster. She doesn't even want to clean the bath after bathing. When I tried to make a rule who is going to clean the bath it started out a HUGE fight, me not being her mother and not allowed to tell her what to do.

In april we were on holiday for a week and after only two days in the same house the whole day my husband actually paid them to go somewhere else and do something and just leave us in peace. There were huge fights in not cleaning the bathroom and he actually told them the first time the bath is going to be dirty at home again he is going to put a lock on there and keep it shut for a week so they must then shower. It has now been nine times since them that the bath was not washed and still, no lock.

Every time I would tell her something like "please go and dry your hair properly" or "please put on shoes (we have tile floors) as you are going to have a painful period she would get aggravated and immediately my husband would attack me and tell me to stop my attitude towards her.

If I clean the cupboards she will come afterwards and rearrange everything! She will not do anything I ask her or tell her to do and amazingly the times my husband works away we actually have an almost perfect relationship. But as soon as daddy gets home all hell breaks loose.

He just can't seem to understand that the only problem is her being a teenager and throwing a tantrum because she KNOWS he will come to the rescue and we will have a HUGE fight.

I am just TIRED, at this stage I am not even sure why I am bothering to try and fix this situation. The only thing I can say in my defense is that I really love him and them, yes, amazingly I actually love her and feel sorry for her. Her mother was (we do not know if she is still alive) a woman with no morals and loved drinking and men. She still has this idea that she is going to find her and that she will tell her she missed her and loves her dearly. It's been 12 years and no effort was made from her side to contact them or even send a birthday card, so I know my poor girl is up for a big hurt but how must I handle this?

Currently I decided to disengage in everything I am not taking responsibility (I will still be involved in their lives and help them) but I am making my life a living hell in trying to help her and guide her.

I am now only going to be there.

I do not know what to do. O yes, I am not able nor will I ever have any children of my own, maybe that could explain the fact that I over tried to be a mother?

I just hate this whole situation, actually at this stage I am feeling like he is hurting the bit of relationship her and I have left with his overreacting and over protectiveness, she is a teenager and will have mood swings, but him busting in every fight and telling me how wrong I am is SO NOT HELPING!!!!
annelie7 annelie7
3 Responses May 10, 2012

Girls thanks so much I just really needed a perspective on this whole thing, I think at this stage, although he is fighting for her, I think he is seeing a little and understanding some more, just keep on praying for us we need this so much

hey annelie7, hang in there. recommend:

1 - strike
2 - husband-and-wife 'meeting' (see my reply to DyingMarriage on how to call and run a 'meeting')
... and once you know your husband and you are solidly on the same page, 3 - meeting with you, your husband, and your daughter

also, i haven't looked it up yet, but checkout STEPMOM DISENGAGE... you mentioned it, and someone in this post brought it up as a resource. i'll be checking this one out myself, to help me deal with the toxic dynamics between me and my SD

good luck annelei7!

Yes, you know it! But what he doesn't get is that she is getting older and more independent then he wants to blame me for her lying in her room the whole day listening to music. She is 14 I do not have any biological children but I am reading about development and this behavior seems normal? Being by yourself in your room all day sulking about everything in life being unfair, especially if there is some chores to be done? Being a bit strict with her and having her do some chores is not that bad but he always claims that I am too hard on her. Obviously she has figured out a long time ago if she pouts daddy will come to the rescue and she won't have to do anything

Sounds like he needs to be around more. Unfair to blame you or to not see this is normal teenage behavior. And yes it is normal... We have 4 in the teenage years.

He can't have it both ways. Have you do most of the parenting and rearing and discipline and then complain about how you do it. I say you go on strike and see how both your SD and he handle stuff then.

what a BRILLIANT idea, Lastonlist! a STRIKE, i say! but hold your tongue and sit on your hands once you go on strike, don't explain it away, just do it. your husband and stepdaughter must sink or swim.

good luck!

It amazes me how we women self sacrifice for others. (I do it too). At least with my own bio children I know I have their love. But what we do for step children and their fathers, knowing that we'll always be #2,#3,#4,etc on his list it amazes me. <br />
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Why are you doing so much when you are gaining so little.? <br />
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I think we need to put ourselves first. No one else will. <br />
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(I speak the words, yet have not done this myself)<br />
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Ask yourself.... Is he really worth your sanity and happiness. It is not your job to fix the mistakes of the past.