Stepmom, Mother Without A Title

Ive recently disengaged and without fully embracing it I have found its not liberating as it may seem. I have been with BF for 2 years and I wear a ring, for his insecurities but have never been asked for marriage.
I'm not bothered too much considering I've never been married for fear of making the mistake all my newly divorced friends have. We talk about marriage and kids but sometimes I am scared of any of those things actually happening. The reasons I worry are the two young children from his previous marriage. Their mother has chosen to move to another state and it has been that way for the duration of our relationships. I have tried to be a mother to them as best as I've known how. They were awful when we first got together. They threw tantrums and fought with each other constantly!
Bm has no contact with them aside from sporatic visits once every 6 months or so. It really disrupts our household and the 5yo misbehaves for weeks and cries out for her Bm at school. It's very sad. The younger of the two is 3 and does not know Bm from any other stranger on the street.
When we first moved in together he really pushed for them to call me Mom. I honestly felt obligated to say it wad okay. It made me incredibly uncomfortable. I imagined hearing that one day but not in this way. I imagined hearing it the first time from my own child. Selfish as it may seem I feel like I have been deprived of moments that first time mothers get to experience.
That's how it seems now. Before we were together I never wanted children at least not anytime in the near future and yet somehow I ended up here.
It's funny how I got here. These girls were not taken care if my Bm. She had no permanant residence and severe ADHD that apparently rendered her useless at normal human tasks. She provides no support emotional of financial.
Then there is his mom. She is fake and I see right through her. I have always felt that she wanted to role of mommy to the girls and was forced to compete with her over everything related to them. I fought with her all the time and even worse she lived across the street. I know, I know. It was a horrible part of life I would like to forget. She spoiled them rotten and never disciplined them. Instead she would send them home without any explanation. If we were outside and they would see her they would go ballistic crying for her. Not convenient when you have plans.
This was ongoing for a year and a half. Both Grandma and mothers surprise visits to unaware kids 2&4 then.
I decide we must move. Not just across the city but out of the town completely. His whole family made life Hell. They fought and included me in their insults including telling me the girls were better before I came and I should go back to where I came from. I wish I had taken their advice then.
So we moved 400 miles away and things got a little better. Now when they visit grandma its for days even a week once and they return being awful and act as if we have no house rules. They always have called me mama or mom but when they come back its my first name. I don't so much care about that because I know I am not biomom. I'm perfectly okay with that. The manipulation bothers me. I see it in BF and I see it so badly in her. It disgusts me to think what these girls would be like had I not come around. Grandma eats fast food sometimes 3 meals a day and they did as well. Aside from school food and daycare food.

He lies to me and I've caught him doing it many times.
According to him its not his fault but his divorce was not finalized until several months ago. He has full custody and hopes for me to adopt the girls after we marry.
I'm seriously scared of this situation.
I love the girls and I take care of them 90% of the time but I'm beginning to think happily of days when I had peace and quiet and could go wherever I wanted. I feel trapped within a life I'm too guilty to leave.
I do so much with so little return. The 5 year old like her mother has severe ADHD with hyperactivity and the inability to pay attention. She is so draining. I know its not her fault but being the only parent around I have to deal with it. She's nog medicated either. It's draining me to the point I just want to lay in bed. While I can't always do that because the
3yo is always with me. She's not in daycare at this time.
I feel as though these children have been forced onto me. I can't help but be angry that two parents who brought them into the world spend the least amount of time with them.
We fight about the 5yo inability to listen to simple orders. He didn't believe me until he had made me feel awful and turned around and she did it to him. She does not listen, tell her not to do something she walks over a second later and does it. He plans on medicating her but I'm so overwhelmed at what the past couple years have brought on.
I just want you all to know you're not being selfish because you doubt your future with steps. It's hard and everyday I dread what can happen. From 400 miles away his mother still steps over boundaries. I have gone as far as to say if she wants to spend time she can come here and do it. I cannot take the week long rehabilitation after time spent at her home. She tells me they are so great and always wants to bring them home days before she planned. I'm tired of this life. My BF has list everything since we got together, his vehicle, house, and anything else of value because he is terrible with money. He has always had an addiction to prescription pills that caused a lot of strain on out relationship. He tells me he stopped and sometimes I believe it other times I dont. I hear him lie these elaborate tales that he convinced himself are true. I can not help but be worried he could do the same to me.
The more I write the more pathetic I feel. I want my old life back and I'm tired of constantly having to take care of children.

lostNhopeful lostNhopeful
May 11, 2012