I'm A Ghost Of The Woman I Was

I can't detail my whole story. I only have a few precious moments to write whilst he is out with his daughter.

I love him. I do. I chose him. I thought could handle being a step-mom but I don't really want anything to so with the kids. I have a Hugh powered career, primary bread earner, 2kids of my own. I don't want his kids. I just want him. Yet, I am so low on the totem pole I rarely get the attention and time I deserve.

He is a good dad. Good with my kids. But I am the one with the career and have to deal with his kids everyday. Mine are 50/50 here.

I feel I do more than I should. More than I want.

I feel used. I feel neglected. I feel like a ghost of the woman I was when I met him.

Am I being selfish? How could I not see what I was getting into. I just should have stayed with my ex. I was just as miserable, but my kids were happy with mom and dad together.

Any one feel the same? I think I'm depressed and can't find a way out. I love him. Want him. Don't want to be a stepmom though.
Lastonlist Lastonlist
36-40, F
5 Responses May 11, 2012

I can totally relate. In a similar situation, I am crazy about my husband even though he is desperately poor and we live hand to mouth. He has two kids. The older one, a teenaged girl is okay and doesn't come here much but the younger one an 11 year old boy does and he drives me nuts. I work from home and he bothers me so I can't get work done and my husband is oblivious to it. When I try to talk to him he gets angry at me so I am left to suffer in silence. I too get stuck with kids I don't want and have to buy them food when my husband and I live on the brink of starvation ourselves. It isn't fair and I too sometimes wish I had stayed with my ex who is a jerk and my beloved children who now live overseas with said ex.

This makes me want to cry - I could have written this! Does it help knowing that there are other people out there feeling the same thing? I always feel relieved to know it isn't just me.<br />
I work full-time, am the one who owns the house, has no debts etc, my daughter from a previous relationship lives with us full-time and I don't expect anyone else to do stuff for her, she's my responsibility - but I am expected to do huge amounts for my husbands kids, have had to deal with a troublesome ex, and we are currently trying to sort out debts that he and his ex accumulated and she has somehow managed to palm off onto him. <br />
I love the kids, but resent the fact that I do so much for them when their mother does not work (refuses to), only has them half the time and still doesn't make it to school plays, inductions etc that I have to take time off work for. It isn't their fault I know, but I have to deal with them complaining to me about how little she does with/for them and as I refuse to badmouth her I have to sympathise and make helpful suggestions about how they might do more with her. All the time dealing with the fact that she has spent two years trying to break up our relationship and telling the children the most awful things about me, and sometimes my husband too (the worst was when she told the 7 year old I didn't love him - he was living with us at the time as she had just returned after leaving them for three months).<br />
I am finding the relationship with the children more strained now when they are only with us half the time than when they lived here full-time as then they had a routine and stability and were thriving, sadly their mother doesn't do discipline or stability so their behaviour has deterioriated and I find that very frustrating. I have to remind myself it's not their fault, but it's hard when you get the 'but we do X at Mum's house...' and it refers to really poor behaviour or eating junk food etc.<br />
I still don't know how to deal with this if I'm honest, right now I am very depressed and wonder if I would actually be better off on my own? I had the whole single parent thing down to a fine art - I do find co-parenting a lot harder! I certainly did a heck of a lot less than I do now!<br />
I don't know how you get your husband to understand all this - I certainly have struggled so far. I am increasingly putting my foot down more and more - I no longer do bath and bed times (but it breaks my heart they no longer get bed-time stories), I refused from day one to do nappy changes which in hindsight was a stroke of genius! So I guess its about setting some boundaries and slowly introducing them - and in the meantime the house will be a pigsty and you will do your nut - but maybe he'll start to get the message? <br />
I suspect that you are the lynch-pin in your home, and so you HAVE to look after yourself more, and that way the whole lot won't come crashing down. How you do this I don't know - but maybe your friends have some suggestions?<br />
Good luck - I'm sending you lots of positive vibes and good thoughts!

I have dealt with the same thing. The ex told her daughter that "daddy's going to cheat on me with mommy". Is this not insane? I know how you feel. I live in hell, but I'm in love with him.

Tell him you can't n won't take on the load that has been thrust on you because you both are married. Tell him your mental health is suffering and that is the most important thing to hold onto and he needs to step up and deal with his children more. Remind him you have you own kids as well to attend to and could only cope with so much.

I know how you feel. I have tried so hard to get close to my step kids but its just not sticking. i feel like when they are here I might as well be gone. but Him and I have recentley had a long talk about how i felt left out and just a roommate when they where here. <br />
so we talked about making activities that all of us could do together and how he could still show me some love and appreciation for everything i do for him, them, and the house hold.<br />
all i can say is speak up. make sure he knows your hurting and that there needs to be some give in take so you dont feel so used.<br />
but always remember to get back to you. take some time in the week for you. go shop, hang with the girlfriends. anything. every lady needs some girly time!!

If its any help the feelings you have are not specific to NOT wanting the kids...I have those exact same emotions but for different reasons...I adore my step children...I think you should stop beating yourself up and feeling guilty and approach your husband with some plan of comprimise...None of us are perfect but ALL of us deserve some kind of happiness....