I Hate Being a Stepmom
My husband and I just celebrated our 10 year anniversary, but I seriously doubt at this point we will be celebrating an 11th! We have several issues...but one HUGE issue is how things are done with regards to my step-daughter! I apologize in advance if this gets long.
When my husband and I first started dating, my step-daughter was less than a year old. Soon after having the baby, my husband's ex decided she simply didn't want to be married any longer. Things were pretty okay the two years we were dating, and I was certain that we could do the blended family just fine (as I had two kids from a previous marriage, and my ex was already pulling himself out of the picture at that point). Shortly after we married, my step-daughter turned 3, and that is when things really started to be an issue. The ex-wife would not keep any kind of regular visitation schedule, and we were constantly being expected to drop what we were doing to either come get or bring her my step-daughter. We were basically being treated as babysitters at this point...as the ex-wife would only want my husband to have the child if she wanted to go out and party. What was worse, is that the whole time my step-daughter was with us, her mother would call and start the "I miss you soooooo much...you're my favorite!" to the point my step-daughter was screaming and crying that she wanted to go home.
As my step-daughter got older, and other events happened in the ex-wife's life, the partying settled down, and visitation was more regular. There was still lots of tears, lots of faked tummy aches, etc. Whenever we wanted to take my step-daughter on a family trip, all would be great until the day of the trip...my step-daughter would suddenly not want to go because "Mommy would miss me too much"...an obvious sign that the ex-wife had again manipulated the child. Through it all, my husband never put his foot down about anything...saying he was afraid he would never see his daughter if he did!
In the mean time, my husband adopted my two kids, because their father dropped out of the picture completely. Even before the adoption, my husband had full equal say in how they were raised, being he was the only real father-figure in their lives. They always accepted this, and wanted this because they were really hurt by my ex abandoning them. Since the beginning of our relationship, my husband ALWAYS talked that all the children needed to be treated THE SAME...equally!
So, fast forward to now! My kids are now 21 and17...my step-daughter is 13. My two kids were never babied...I didn't believe in it. I stopped cleaning their rooms for them when they were about 5, and before that, they always had to help me clean their rooms so they could learn how to do it. They also always ate whatever was put in front of them...never made special food for them. When we went to the store, it didn't mean they were going to get anything...if I said no, it meant no...don't keep asking for a million other things until you got something! My husband always backed me on this, but then always made exceptions for my step-daughter. I would say no, he would turn around and buy her something...even if the other kids weren't getting anything. She didn't want what was fixed for dinner, he'd make her a peanut butter sandwich. He let her manipulate him the whole time!
Right now, the big problem is that I can see through her BS, and he is most obviously blind to it! About a month ago, she got in trouble at school for having alcohol in her possession! When you went into her facebook account, you saw this whole conversation with one of her little friends the night before...they were nervous about the dance recital and the friend was going to bring some alcohol to help calm their nerves. My step-daughter's response? "Hell Ya!" When she got caught with it, the ex-wife went through the roof and completely grounded her...no phone, no ipod, no computer...everything was taken out of her room that wasn't essential! My husband thought that this was taking it too far, because when he took my step-daughter to talk to her, she broke down in tears claiming that she took the alcohol away from her friend because she never thought her friend would actually bring it, and didn't actually intend to drink it. My husband even commented to me..."You didn't see how she broke down...she really didn't..." At that point I was so furious inside! This child has learned to manipulate people...a skill she learned so well from her mother! She is smarter than she lets on...I've seen how she talks and stuff when he isn't around, but whenever I try to bring it up, it gets us into a fight! Then, the child always plays the "Whoa is me...I don't feel accepted anywhere" to one of our friends (who is actually a closer friend to my husband...they talk all the time...that is another problem all together), who then tells my husband and makes my husband play into the child's games even more! So, my husband is all mad at his ex-wife, thinking her and her husband are taking the punishment too far...because it really isn't as big a deal as they made it out to be! In the mean time, she has been at our house, with my husband letting her use her phone, her ipod, watch TV, go to the pool with her cousins, go on with life like nothing happened and there is nothing to be punished for! The first time my daughter was caught with alcohol (which was when she was 15), she lost her phone, her computer, her video games, and her bedroom door...the last being my husband's idea...that she had to earn her privacy back and she could change her clothes in her bathroom!!
And this past weekend was a blowout of a fight! Like I said...we have our issues. One of them is that I don't think he does enough to try to help me...he will walk by a full trash can for more than a week, and keep putting empty drink cups on the floor around the trash can without taking it out. Things around here do not get done unless I do them...literally...and whenever I try to tell him this, he says that I'm just trying to be a martyr! Finally, I got him to admit that he needs to work in this area, and he designated this past Saturday as a day to clean our house...because our house has been totally neglected because we have been off with him helping our friend clean, paint, etc her house so it could be put on the market. So, Saturday, I get up and get started cleaning our wash room...where our cats' stay at night, so they don't tear up the house and I can get some sleep. It was a mess! At least a 2 hour job of scrubbing, including pulling out a toothbrush to get into little nooks and crannies. It was gross! About the point that I'm nearly done with it, my husband AND my son work on the spare room that my daughter's friend destroyed when he was living with us...basically, just pulling out the nasty carpet and throwing it out the window...a total job that took about 30 minutes with the two of them. Now, my step-daughter was supposed to have cleaned her room the week before....and it was supposed to be clean before she went and did anything. Nope...she took off for 3 days with her cousins and left her room untouched. So, on Saturday, she claims she CAN'T clean it by herself! SHE IS 13!!! My husband calls our friend to help her. Next thing I know, my husband is in there helping, too. You can hear lots of giggling, etc. In the mean time, I have finished the wash room, have dusted top to bottom our living room and vacuumed the furniture and carpet, and cleaned the entire kitchen...scrubbing all the counters, stove, microwave, doing a load of dishes and unloading the dishwasher, vacuuming and mopping the floors. Total so far, I had spent 6 hours cleaning ALONE at this point, my head was killing me from the cleaning fumes, I couldn't stop sneezing because of the dust (and I have allergy induced asthma), etc. I feel like I'm dying at this point. When my husband finally emerges from my step-daughter's room, he has the nerve to ask me what is wrong, and when I tell him he promised to help me, but instead has been in his step-daughter's room helping her do something she is perfectly capable of doing herself and SHOULD have been done by her days ago, he goes ballistic on me! I mean (while my husband was still in her room), at one point, she comes out asking me about a book, I tell her it was hers to do what she wanted with it, and she starts arguing with me in a disrespectful manner that it was not hers, and when I told her about the 3rd time it was and that I was too busy to deal with this kind of stuff...my husband tells me that if I ever speak to her like that again, they are both out of here!!! SERIOUSLY! I never cussed at her or anything...just said more sternly..."It IS yours, now I have all this stuff I have to do and can't be bothered right now with this!" That is EXACTLY what I said! And that was the wrong way to talk to her? I told him flat out...he promised me, and that I was upset because he was spending all day doing something that my step-daughter should have done last week, and has all this coming up week to do...that I only had this ONE day to clean this house...and again...he promised me. He again tried to give me the, "Well, she isn't capable of doing it herself!" I tell him it's because every time her room gets to the point of being trashed, he ALWAYS calls in someone to help...his mom, his sister, a friend...that she has NEVER been made to clean it herself! I tell him that most 13 year olds are capable of cleaning an entire house...are expected to do chores such as dishes or taking out the trash, or vacuuming once a week. He then yells at me, "I'm glad YOU'RE such an expert!"
So, in the end, my husband finally grabs the vacuum from me to finish the last 5 minutes of vacuuming...in our workout room...I had already cleaned about 2/3 of our house's square footage by myself over the course of about 7 hours!
Now, don't get me wrong...I have no jealousy toward the child or anything like that. I know that is what some may think. I also understand that I really have no say in how she is raised. I just want my husband to wake up!! With the other issues we are having, this is putting even more stress on our marriage! Just yesterday...we had discussed that we were going to do something ADULTS ONLY, and leave the kids to do their own thing at home. He then turns around and asks my step-daughter (not my son) if she wanted to go. When I tell him I think I will just stay home, then, he gets all bent out of shape and tells me he would just tell his daughter to stay home then. I told him that wasn't the point! We already discussed this...that the outing was going to be adult only....and he already gave her the option...that you can't give a child an option and then take it away! He just looked at it as me throwing a fit!! Really?
Again, sorry this is long. I love my husband...I love my step-daughter. I'm just tired of the manipulation and my husband being played! It is making it so that we cannot even work on the things in our marriage we really need to work on! There is so much more in all of this, but there is already a lot here to read. She IS playing him! She isn't the innocent he thinks she is, and I hate to see where this is going to lead if it keeps up! I mean, just yesterday, I could hear her talking to her mom on the phone...in a very disrespectful voice, basically telling her mom that unless she got x, y, and z she wasn't ready to come home yet (i.e., get my phone and ipod back, and get to go hang with my friends)...making it very obvious she is only telling her dad she wants to stay with us because she can do what she wants! I am so close to just cutting my losses and getting out of this now! When my daughter had her issues, it was hard, and that was with my husband backing me up! My daughter is even upset that she got off so lightly! My daughter is now 21, and realizes she acted very stupid, and knows first hand (because she did it herself) what my step-daugther is most likely pulling! I don't think I can deal with any of that crap with him giving in! Any advice?
When my husband and I first started dating, my step-daughter was less than a year old. Soon after having the baby, my husband's ex decided she simply didn't want to be married any longer. Things were pretty okay the two years we were dating, and I was certain that we could do the blended family just fine (as I had two kids from a previous marriage, and my ex was already pulling himself out of the picture at that point). Shortly after we married, my step-daughter turned 3, and that is when things really started to be an issue. The ex-wife would not keep any kind of regular visitation schedule, and we were constantly being expected to drop what we were doing to either come get or bring her my step-daughter. We were basically being treated as babysitters at this point...as the ex-wife would only want my husband to have the child if she wanted to go out and party. What was worse, is that the whole time my step-daughter was with us, her mother would call and start the "I miss you soooooo much...you're my favorite!" to the point my step-daughter was screaming and crying that she wanted to go home.
As my step-daughter got older, and other events happened in the ex-wife's life, the partying settled down, and visitation was more regular. There was still lots of tears, lots of faked tummy aches, etc. Whenever we wanted to take my step-daughter on a family trip, all would be great until the day of the trip...my step-daughter would suddenly not want to go because "Mommy would miss me too much"...an obvious sign that the ex-wife had again manipulated the child. Through it all, my husband never put his foot down about anything...saying he was afraid he would never see his daughter if he did!
In the mean time, my husband adopted my two kids, because their father dropped out of the picture completely. Even before the adoption, my husband had full equal say in how they were raised, being he was the only real father-figure in their lives. They always accepted this, and wanted this because they were really hurt by my ex abandoning them. Since the beginning of our relationship, my husband ALWAYS talked that all the children needed to be treated THE SAME...equally!
So, fast forward to now! My kids are now 21 and17...my step-daughter is 13. My two kids were never babied...I didn't believe in it. I stopped cleaning their rooms for them when they were about 5, and before that, they always had to help me clean their rooms so they could learn how to do it. They also always ate whatever was put in front of them...never made special food for them. When we went to the store, it didn't mean they were going to get anything...if I said no, it meant no...don't keep asking for a million other things until you got something! My husband always backed me on this, but then always made exceptions for my step-daughter. I would say no, he would turn around and buy her something...even if the other kids weren't getting anything. She didn't want what was fixed for dinner, he'd make her a peanut butter sandwich. He let her manipulate him the whole time!
Right now, the big problem is that I can see through her BS, and he is most obviously blind to it! About a month ago, she got in trouble at school for having alcohol in her possession! When you went into her facebook account, you saw this whole conversation with one of her little friends the night before...they were nervous about the dance recital and the friend was going to bring some alcohol to help calm their nerves. My step-daughter's response? "Hell Ya!" When she got caught with it, the ex-wife went through the roof and completely grounded her...no phone, no ipod, no computer...everything was taken out of her room that wasn't essential! My husband thought that this was taking it too far, because when he took my step-daughter to talk to her, she broke down in tears claiming that she took the alcohol away from her friend because she never thought her friend would actually bring it, and didn't actually intend to drink it. My husband even commented to me..."You didn't see how she broke down...she really didn't..." At that point I was so furious inside! This child has learned to manipulate people...a skill she learned so well from her mother! She is smarter than she lets on...I've seen how she talks and stuff when he isn't around, but whenever I try to bring it up, it gets us into a fight! Then, the child always plays the "Whoa is me...I don't feel accepted anywhere" to one of our friends (who is actually a closer friend to my husband...they talk all the time...that is another problem all together), who then tells my husband and makes my husband play into the child's games even more! So, my husband is all mad at his ex-wife, thinking her and her husband are taking the punishment too far...because it really isn't as big a deal as they made it out to be! In the mean time, she has been at our house, with my husband letting her use her phone, her ipod, watch TV, go to the pool with her cousins, go on with life like nothing happened and there is nothing to be punished for! The first time my daughter was caught with alcohol (which was when she was 15), she lost her phone, her computer, her video games, and her bedroom door...the last being my husband's idea...that she had to earn her privacy back and she could change her clothes in her bathroom!!
And this past weekend was a blowout of a fight! Like I said...we have our issues. One of them is that I don't think he does enough to try to help me...he will walk by a full trash can for more than a week, and keep putting empty drink cups on the floor around the trash can without taking it out. Things around here do not get done unless I do them...literally...and whenever I try to tell him this, he says that I'm just trying to be a martyr! Finally, I got him to admit that he needs to work in this area, and he designated this past Saturday as a day to clean our house...because our house has been totally neglected because we have been off with him helping our friend clean, paint, etc her house so it could be put on the market. So, Saturday, I get up and get started cleaning our wash room...where our cats' stay at night, so they don't tear up the house and I can get some sleep. It was a mess! At least a 2 hour job of scrubbing, including pulling out a toothbrush to get into little nooks and crannies. It was gross! About the point that I'm nearly done with it, my husband AND my son work on the spare room that my daughter's friend destroyed when he was living with us...basically, just pulling out the nasty carpet and throwing it out the window...a total job that took about 30 minutes with the two of them. Now, my step-daughter was supposed to have cleaned her room the week before....and it was supposed to be clean before she went and did anything. Nope...she took off for 3 days with her cousins and left her room untouched. So, on Saturday, she claims she CAN'T clean it by herself! SHE IS 13!!! My husband calls our friend to help her. Next thing I know, my husband is in there helping, too. You can hear lots of giggling, etc. In the mean time, I have finished the wash room, have dusted top to bottom our living room and vacuumed the furniture and carpet, and cleaned the entire kitchen...scrubbing all the counters, stove, microwave, doing a load of dishes and unloading the dishwasher, vacuuming and mopping the floors. Total so far, I had spent 6 hours cleaning ALONE at this point, my head was killing me from the cleaning fumes, I couldn't stop sneezing because of the dust (and I have allergy induced asthma), etc. I feel like I'm dying at this point. When my husband finally emerges from my step-daughter's room, he has the nerve to ask me what is wrong, and when I tell him he promised to help me, but instead has been in his step-daughter's room helping her do something she is perfectly capable of doing herself and SHOULD have been done by her days ago, he goes ballistic on me! I mean (while my husband was still in her room), at one point, she comes out asking me about a book, I tell her it was hers to do what she wanted with it, and she starts arguing with me in a disrespectful manner that it was not hers, and when I told her about the 3rd time it was and that I was too busy to deal with this kind of stuff...my husband tells me that if I ever speak to her like that again, they are both out of here!!! SERIOUSLY! I never cussed at her or anything...just said more sternly..."It IS yours, now I have all this stuff I have to do and can't be bothered right now with this!" That is EXACTLY what I said! And that was the wrong way to talk to her? I told him flat out...he promised me, and that I was upset because he was spending all day doing something that my step-daughter should have done last week, and has all this coming up week to do...that I only had this ONE day to clean this house...and again...he promised me. He again tried to give me the, "Well, she isn't capable of doing it herself!" I tell him it's because every time her room gets to the point of being trashed, he ALWAYS calls in someone to help...his mom, his sister, a friend...that she has NEVER been made to clean it herself! I tell him that most 13 year olds are capable of cleaning an entire house...are expected to do chores such as dishes or taking out the trash, or vacuuming once a week. He then yells at me, "I'm glad YOU'RE such an expert!"
So, in the end, my husband finally grabs the vacuum from me to finish the last 5 minutes of vacuuming...in our workout room...I had already cleaned about 2/3 of our house's square footage by myself over the course of about 7 hours!
Now, don't get me wrong...I have no jealousy toward the child or anything like that. I know that is what some may think. I also understand that I really have no say in how she is raised. I just want my husband to wake up!! With the other issues we are having, this is putting even more stress on our marriage! Just yesterday...we had discussed that we were going to do something ADULTS ONLY, and leave the kids to do their own thing at home. He then turns around and asks my step-daughter (not my son) if she wanted to go. When I tell him I think I will just stay home, then, he gets all bent out of shape and tells me he would just tell his daughter to stay home then. I told him that wasn't the point! We already discussed this...that the outing was going to be adult only....and he already gave her the option...that you can't give a child an option and then take it away! He just looked at it as me throwing a fit!! Really?
Again, sorry this is long. I love my husband...I love my step-daughter. I'm just tired of the manipulation and my husband being played! It is making it so that we cannot even work on the things in our marriage we really need to work on! There is so much more in all of this, but there is already a lot here to read. She IS playing him! She isn't the innocent he thinks she is, and I hate to see where this is going to lead if it keeps up! I mean, just yesterday, I could hear her talking to her mom on the phone...in a very disrespectful voice, basically telling her mom that unless she got x, y, and z she wasn't ready to come home yet (i.e., get my phone and ipod back, and get to go hang with my friends)...making it very obvious she is only telling her dad she wants to stay with us because she can do what she wants! I am so close to just cutting my losses and getting out of this now! When my daughter had her issues, it was hard, and that was with my husband backing me up! My daughter is even upset that she got off so lightly! My daughter is now 21, and realizes she acted very stupid, and knows first hand (because she did it herself) what my step-daugther is most likely pulling! I don't think I can deal with any of that crap with him giving in! Any advice?
By:
DyingMarriage
Age:
36-40
,
Female
