Fight Or Flight?

Married 1.5 yrs to a wonderful man and father who brought to the marriage 3 daughters, two of which recently moved in with us full-time (age 17 & 7). Add to that a new house, tempermental dog, tough work schedules and oh ya, I'm 7 months pregnant. I am basically raising the girls myself, and feel like nothing more than a short order cook, futile disciplinarian, maid and cash dispenser. These girls are smart, sassy and generally well-behaved in front of others, but all I get to see at home is attitude, DRAMA, disrespect and more freakin' DRAMA. I feel like I can never do enough for them, give them enough or make them happy for more than 0.5 seconds. Their mom and life with her is always better in their eyes, although both made the choice to be with my husband and I. Everything is about them, 100% of the time. My husband gets to play "good guy/hero" when he is home, and I am just the stepmonster they have to deal with the rest of the time. They are coddled and spoiled - unfortunately my husband and I were raised with very different standards and expectations and I always end up feeling like th *** for thinking the girls need to be less whiny, less indulged and more respectful for the things they have. I am SO tired of being told it's "just a teenager phase" or such - the amount of attitude and drama in my house is so thick I choke on it. I am harboring such resentment, anger, frustration - on top of hormones - just so worried I'm gonna snap at any moment and let loose with a wicked amount of terrible things I know I should never say. Husband is somewhat supportive, but.. he just never sees the stuff I see and I feel like such a whiny tattle-tale if I run too him too often when things get rough. I have started having those "fight or flight" feelings that I recall just before I finally decided to leave me previous marriage - and I'm scared I'll act on them one day. The reality is there is no easy solution - I signed up for this and now I'm paying a hefty price - possibly my marriage and most likely my sanity. Thanks for "listening".
StopTheDrama StopTheDrama
4 Responses Dec 6, 2012

I completely understand. I feel the same way with my 16yr old stepson. He acts very disrespectful around me but in public he's awesome so others don't see what I see. He has gotten so comfortable around his dad that he is even disrespectful around him but that's because his dad doesn't discipline him. I can relate. I honestly am confused about how to handle the situation.

oh boy am i in a similar situation. it is not easy at all to be a step mom. Those girls sound like my step daughter. Mine has bad attitude, constantly complains, has no appreciation of anything I do, and also has a fantasy her parents had a great life and that all her problems would go away if they werent together. she is jealous and competitive with me...but the reason why she has become this way is because her BM brainwashes her to believing that she cannot love me and that I am a mean person. When truly, her BM is the nastiest person I have ever met. My profession has me spending my life helping people and she spends her life judging people and using revenge and a vindictive approach. She is teaching her child to be this way. She has distorted this childs mind out of fear her child would like me more. She has even had the nerve to ask her daughter why i am in the bathroom with her while she bathes. i am her step mom washing her hair! is she implying im creepy? WTF!? This child went from being so happy I was in her to being now brainwashed into believing i am the evil step mom. it doesnt matter how sweet or nice i am, she feels she is betraying her mom if she loves me. i can't win!

Thank you, Gane5. You're absolutely right - never let them see you sweat for sure!

My step daughter..thinks her parents marriage was so blissful. She created a fantasy world - she's 11. And sometimes I think she says certain things to get under my skin, but at the end of the day she knows her father is happier with me. And even though you're pregnant and you're exhausted - the moment you see your baby or hold your baby life changes. And even their behavior will change because they'll love their younger sibling. Just show them you're happy with your husband and you guys are close. Never let them see you sweat. Good luck!