My husband and I met a year and a half ago and fell in love super fast. When we started dating he said he was divorced and had a son who was 6. I found that cute. Being a teacher and working with kids on a daily basis, I really thought our relationship could work.

A few weeks later he tells me his papers aren't finished yet and that I am actually dating a married man. He and his ex broke up because she found another man, and my husband found his support with me. I don't know how I got over that, but I must have been crazy in love with him.

4 months later, I got pregnant and we had to keep everything in secret (because of his ex, and the folk). By the court order he got to see his son every Tue, Thu and every other weekend (Fri, Sat, Sun) so at that time I would usually let him be with his son and stay at home or visit my friends. Little by little, he wanted me to meet his son so we could get along. And indeed we did, we still do get along. We arranged that at first I was his father's friend and later became his girlfriend, so his son would not be stressed out.

The day when he said to his son that I am his girlfriend, we were driving in a car and he said: "Guess what, me and her are now boyfriend and girlfriend, what do you say to that? She will be your other mom!". I was outraged, because he never talked about that role to me. Immediately I said: "No, you have a mom, I will be your good friend and support."

7 months later my husband finally got a divorce papers. We were able to tell everyone I was pregnant including his son that he will get a brother or a sister. A month later I moved in with them and began doing chores, cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. As my husband failed to help me with any of that, so did his son. I tried to let that go, but soon his son also started being really rude to my husband and to me, especially when losing in a game or when not having his way. When I tried to discipline him, by saying he should stop and apologise, I not only got NO from him, but also my husband told me not to interfere. I agreed not to EVER interfere, but we agreed that I would support him and advise him in raising his son. On my suggestion to set boundaries for his son and consequences for his bad behaviour, my husband up to this day has not yet set them.

His son gets to come home, lounge on the sofa, play on iPad, tablets, Playstation, his two rooms and all over the house, and my way to get away from that is to take my son and go visit my mum (I am a single parent daughter) for a couple of hours. Recently this has really started to bug my husband and tells me that I am running away from them. I simply want peace and quiet for our baby and myself. When I do stay in, they both play games and don't include me anyway as I take care of our son (breastfeeding) and the household. Did I mention that his son gets to have two rooms in our house? Yes, he has a bedroom and another room only for basketball. When I was pregnant I wanted to turn this other room into baby room, but up to today, my husband says our son still doesn't have it, simply because his other son loves playing basketball (and other games) there. We live in a big house with a yard, and basketball basket outside, but his son has to play inside, because that was his habit since he was younger, since his grandparents used to live in our house. My every demand for that basket to go to the grandparents has failed. We have come to the deal that the baby will get his room when he is 1. However, he dreams about his both sons having the same room and being super close, when I don't want this, as there is 7 years age difference and my SS is not with us all the time.

Now, of course, the summer vacation is near and we booked a hotel, but we got into a huge fight where he was rude (not for the first time) and told me twice to move out, so I packed everything and my son when he was at work and went to live with my mother. 5 days later, he wants me back, but I want everything my way: rules and boundaries for his son, him and kind words and behaviour. I refuse to go to a summer vacation with him and his son and this even escalated things. He tells me that he comes with his son in a package and that he wants his holiday with both of his sons. I on the other hand want a holiday with our son and him alone, and tell him to take his son separately. He is being spiteful and tells he will take him to Germany, France and Switzerland, whereas I say FINE, as long as you take us somewhere, too.

I really don't feel respected or loved. Simply manipulated. Now when I refuse to be "obedient" any more, he is mad. Is it okay from me to ask to go on a vacation without his son? He already went twice with his mom, and our baby is about to have his first vacation, I really don't want him or me feel bad because of his behaviour, which can often be moody. Also, I told my husband that it is his responsibility to spend his time with his son, so he should take him on holiday, without us. If he wants us to move in back together, things must change, and I demand having holidays separately. What should I do? Am I being fair?
expressmom expressmom
31-35, F
9 Responses Aug 24, 2014

Oh wow, I'm so sorry about your situation! I see that it's been almost a year since you had posted. Reading your story, along with so many other stories of moms with step kids, it is apparent that the other parent caters to the kid. That drives me nuts, too. My skin crawls when my husband says that he's going to pick up his "little princess." Breaking my house rules and not disciplining the kid, catering to her over me. It's stupidity on his part and disrespect toward me, but of course he doesn't see it that way. In his eyes, I'm the one who causes problems. What did you end up doing? My husband and I are at a point when we discussed about how things should be, now we're just putting it to the test. Again. Let's see how this weekend goes ...

We had a big fight in August and I came back to him. The next fight was in December, for merry Xmas, and again I gave in and came back to him, giving him one more chance. Guess what happened for Easter holidays? The same behaviour, the same insults, the same fight. He threatened with divorce. By the time my maternity leave was over, and I started working, his family started harrasing me as well. I flipped, called the police, and then he wanted divorce. In short, every time I wanted to give another chance, my husband was always wanting more. Since I saw I could not stand being married to such a person and family, I filed for a divorce and we are waiting for the papers now. The problem is not me being a bad stepmom or my stepson. The problem is my husband having different priorities, beliefs, lifestyle etc. We are too different.

Good for you, good luck with your new life direction. :)

thank you! :)

How many here actually have kids? How many have been in a mixed family? I see a lot of extremely selfish opinions and attitudes here. I gave my opinion, on your other related experience. So I won't keep on yammering here

Stand your ground!! I applaud you for moving out & demanding respect. Keep it up or it will never work. He will be worse by a teen if his dad doesn't take your side & make him understand that it doesn't go his way.

Thank you! I am not backing out on this. Now things will be like in Limp Bizkit's song: My way or the high way. :)

👍👏 good for you!! Hang in there & keep us posted!!

I just wanted to update you all with my week. My husband got a bit back to his senses and realised that he is going to lose me if he keeps behaving the way he did. We tried to sit down and talk, but somehow we are still bitter and angry with one another, so we agreed to take a little break. Today he took his son to Legoland, Munich and they will be travelling the whole week. I will take my son to the sea and relax there. When we get back, we will talk and set rules and boundaries, for us and the kids. I think it's essential that we work on our relationship first and then go from there. If we are both willing to work on that, things might get better...

I don't blame you, I wouldn't put up with it either. It's tough enough to take on step kids and the moms. Putting up with a bad *** kid does not come with the package.

I had some issues with my mother in law being rude to me. I told him to either handle it or when she comes to town, I will gladly tell her I am gone in a business trip and take my *** to my sister's house. You're going the right thing.

poor you if you ever need to talk about anything message me

I think he's very rigid and unwilling to bend. I think if you aren't consistent and insistent on what you want it will never happen. I go think that he can bend but I wouldn't expect it all at once.

When a man loves you he treats you like you are his treasure. Are you treasured?

thank you. im treasured only when everything is his way. He sends me Bruno Mars Treasure in messages. I don't truly feel that way, especially not in this horrible situation, where I am out of the house and he keeps being selfish.

My significant other never says romantic things, never says I love you but 6 times a year, never tells me why he likes ME. But he shows me in every way possible. He can't imagine letting me carry my own bags. He'll be like a porter 24/7. He touches me constantly like he can't believe how lucky he is. He'll let himself be uncomfortable as long as I'm comfortable. He once, in a rare wordy moment, said it's his goal in life to make me happy or laugh.

If he didn't cherish me so much I wouldn't be able to stand not hearing the words. Not hearing anything he likes about me ever made me cry at times. Until I realized if he said the words but not the actions it would be awful so I relaxed.

Men are selfish when we don't insist on something different (in my opinion).

You should feel treasured I think. I wish I could help

your partner seems to love you. Mine used to be so kind and romantic. he used to be really nice and thoughtful. Now he is bitter, angry with me and not the man I fell in love with.

Then maybe you need to show him what you are worth? You wouldn't accept minimum wage for doing a CEO's job. You are his CEO. Let him give you the love you deserve or let someone else. I'd also read the book Why Men Love Bit@hs.

this reall helped. I read a sample on kindle and that's the attitude I need to change. Today I finally changed that and now I am the one who chooses whether or not to go back to him or even give him a chance for another shot with me. So now I see I had been treated badly and bullied. I can't believe I let him convince me that the problem is the stepson or my attitude towards him. This calls for another rubric, such as My marriage is in trouble, or I am a victim of pychological maltreatment. Thanks for support! I'll keep you posted.

HIS problem probably IS you attitude with the SS. But that isn't YOUR problem with the relationship. You could work on your attitude and he could work on what is bothering you. Give a little to receive a little. But don't be a doormat :)

Thank you. :)

4 More Responses

Your SS isn't the only one being childish. You're a new mom and you need rest not more stress. Your SS and husband don't seem to get that. Your SS is a child, what's your husbands excuse? You need to extricate yourself from this situation.

thank you for your advice. I have moved out impulsively and somewhat instinctly. All he does is trying to blame me for leaving and display himself as a victim. Now that I begin to see things more objectively, I fear that there is no help unless he changes drastically.

Exactly!
The problem isn't the SS who is a child, the problem is the father. I know it's hard to see as you love him but trust me. That will not be the case if this continues.

the sad part is that he presented himself as "my wife left me for another man" and I believed him. He is a teen in a man's body. Nearing 40 but really hard to change. His solution to not cooking is that we go to his parents or aunt for lunch and for not doing housework to hire a lady. That all still feels like a burden for me. I should start work in 6 months and get back to normal, with or without him. Yes, love hurts.

Sorry hon.
You're stronger than you know. You're more awesome then they can see and you are loved. Never forget that, let it give you strength during the hard times.
He never learned to be alone, it doesn't sound like he had too.
I'm not trying to be cruel but I'd guess if you left for too long he'd find someone else to take care of him because that's what he needs.

yeah, that's what I've figured out, too. Most likely so. Now today he returnec his son back to his mom and he will be alone in his big house for a week. I even cancelled the cleaning lady...

Try marriage counseling. That will give you an ideal where he's heading. Hopefully for you and your son he will change. Don't plan on it though. Its better you're dealing with this now then years down the road. You deserve to be happy.

that's what I'll try to do. It's tough this one. But better now, I agree. Thank you! I feel more reasonable now. Back to my senses. :)

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Eeeek yes you are being fair.
Bit of a muddled situation you have walked into seems a little like years of trouble and confusion.

thank you! yes, now that I read it, sounds like years, but we are married just 6 months. And now he is mortally insulted just because "I don't accept his son" which is totally uncalled for.

I meant years of their behaviour within the family, be careful not to allow them to scapegoat you x

that's why I found my shelter outside of his (parents') house. Thanks a million for support. I just need someone else's perspective on this. X