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Don't Get Involved With A Man With Kids

I got involved with a man about 5 years ago that has two children ages 10 and 14.  I was warned by everybody how hard it was. I told myself as long as I have my own life I would be able to handle it. The truth is, there is no room for you when it comes to dating a man with children. True, you will have moments together alone but everything you do will be revolved around his children. The children that you will have no emotional attachment to. What's even worse is that his children like me more than their own mother and I still hate being their soon to be stepmom. They are respectful and overall pretty good kids. But for my spouse's and I relationship, it never feels like ours. You need to accept that fact that you will be marrying him and his 1, 2, 3 , four or however many kids. You will be miserable.  You will yearn for a man with no kids. You will have regrets. You will feel lonely. You will feel pushed aside, even when he makes every attempt to put you first. You will be angry and resentful.  I don't recommend it. Always date someone with no children if possible. That way it will be your life together. Not his life and you just feel like your tagging along. There is no room for you with a man with kids,even when he tries his hardest to do his best to keep you first, you never will be. 

dfilbert dfilbert 36-40, F 103 Responses Oct 25, 2009

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Thank you for this post. It really helps to know other people feel this way. Whether we are a woman or a man or feel it's what society expects or it's just in our genetics; when other peoples kids are involved in a relationship we carry guilt for not putting them first and thinking of ourselves. Sometimes more so than the actual biological parents do. This is the second time I have been in a relationship with a man with kids. The first time was for 81/2 years and the biological mom wasn't involved (she just walked out one day while my ex was working out of town and left a 9 and 6 year old fend for themselves until dad returned home). I came along 1 1/2 years later. I fell head over hills for this man, there was nothing not to love about him. We were both so nervous about how the kids would do with us living together but It was like I was always meant to be in their family. He was a great dad, the kids were raised to be respectful, responsible and good people. So there was never the drama of the ex or disrespectful kids, they were just grateful someone loved their dad and them. They never made me feel like I was a outsider. We never married, so when my ex passed away from cancer the youngest asked the courts herself if she could finish high school living with me. She refused to go to her biological mom who reappeared after his death. Although grown and living out of state they are both very much a part of my life as well as the grand babies. This is how it should be. It's also how I'm starting to see it will never work with the man I have been dating for the last year. This is a whole different "thing" "situation" all together. I guess because of the way things went with my ex and his kids I thought every situation must be rainbows and pixie dust....Um No! I have never in my life felt so alone in a house with other people. There is no connection with the kids. I thought at first with just me but no there is no connection with their dad, their mom or each other and its just sad...the boys are 11 and 16 and have zero responsibility, not for the bad grades, the smart mouths, being slobs who pick up nothing (including nasty moldy food left all over their rooms), if they break a $400-500 lap top or phone dad buys a new one. The times they have been to my house they broke a spare bed (literally bent a iron bed frame jumping on it because they are so over weight) pillow stuffing everywhere from torn pillows, 17 coke cans left in the spare room, then came the broken angel that had sentimental value to me and I snapped. I told him they are no longer welcome to my home until they learn to act their age and civilized. There are no clear boundaries set between him and his ex, she basically has him running all the time for the kids (he lives 45 mins away and the kids have to call him to go get medicine if they get sick all of a sudden or need batteries for x-box) and she works 20 hours a week and lives not a 2-3 min walk to a dollar store. I tried to keep a open mind about her but the one time I stepped inside the door of her apartment...I knew she was just lazy from the smell and filth. I do like the guy I'm dating a lot, other than slacking in the parenting area (which I think comes from guilt of the kids seeing his ex and him fight) he is overall a good guy. I have really beat myself up over not being able to deal with his kids and raked myself over the coals trying to figure out what I was doing different from the last time I was in this situation but after reading other post on here I'm starring to understand rainbows and pixie dust are missing in a lot of peoples relationships that involve blended families. Again thanks for the post and relieving some pressure I was putting on myself. I hope for at least some of the people struggling with this it settles into what I had with my ex and his two kids because it really can be worth it. It all depends on what kind of people are involved and what kind of people the kids are being taught to be also.

If only i had read this before i married my husband, i would have been better prepared to handle this mess im in, i probably wouldn't have married him. I don't have any children of my own and have had a few too many miscarriages that have left me heartbroken, lonely and downright depressed. My main issue is that the kids are always here with us which is unfortunate for everyone involved as i don't have any respite from them, they cant visit their mom, and my husband overcompensates for this. I feel like im a third class citizen in my home, its always about them. I get woken up in the morning by a clingy teenager who cannot wait till his father comes out of our room to ask silly questions like whats for breakfast, this goes on repeatedly throughout the day. Mind you there's three of them. Its non stop. I would expect this from children but not teenagers. The house is constantly dirty and im tired of cleaning after them, so he tells me to make them do it, so i do, and they hate me for it which is unfair as i have become the wicked stepmother. I find myself alone in my marriage, no one to talk to because he doesn't understand why i dont love them as much as he does. Not taking into consideration that they will never love me ( they have said this to me on several occasions which i try to ignore since they are immature, but that doesnt make their actions and words less hurtful being that im having a difficult time getting pregnant. Im at my wits end and seriously considering leaving my husband even though i love him very much and enjoy his company, the few times that i have him alone (at bedtime).

So much negativity, so much selfishness. If you honestly care for a man to date than later on marry, then you were truly happy to spend the rest of your life with him. Most of you blame the children for being his. What does that say about you? The children had no say in the matter when the parents split up. They are the ones who suffer, not you! They are the ones who are so confused & don't understand & can't fully grasp what is going on being torn between their parents at times. Have any of you ever stopped & thought about them? Sure some parents don't bring their children up properly in a respectable manner, but should the children wear the flack because your fallen in Love with him? Don't prejudice this single fathers without first knowing all the facts. The discrimination is unbelievable. Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. If he cherishes you, you should stand by your man & show understanding or do your best to, as he will realise this & will really appreciate you for it. Fathers have feelings too you know. We're only human.

But, why force a man or a woman to be in a relationship with someone with kids if they don't want to? Don't you think you would be better off with someone who actually does? I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a guy who has kids, either. It's not the kids, it's the responsibility. Most of us don't want to take the responsibility because we may not be able to handle it. Most of us are impatient and if that's the case, why have a relationship? Yeah, most men and women can become patient if they try hard enough, but most of us can't. It's just who we are.

What you make no sense.......... WTF does wanting your own life husband & kids have to do with being irresponsible & impatient you sound wacky....... Any dummy can have a kid & having kids doesnt make you responsible & patient thats why most people are divorced in the first place...... Didn't you read the story its not about responsibility its about "not belonging or fitting in", being a non-entity........ and if you don't meet a guy by the age of 28 good luck finding a guy with no kids!

I'm wacky alright. I'm a ******* crazy ***** ;P

I honestly get and respect what you are saying...however, I think sometimes when you do everything you can to make the lives of his children, in my case 4, and his, better...they also take it for granted. I spent a great deal of time and energy trying to give ability and consistency to our home. I too have a daughter, she is in college, and is often an after thought for him and his children. It is difficult to always feel you are doing everything you can...only to see that everyone is waiting for you to do more. There was appreciation early it has become expectation...that is painful to live with.

Complete selfish garbage. I will say this stay away if you have no kids and want none, but don't judge men with children because you constantly need to be the center of attention. Then your shouting it's my right to feel this way to circumvent the fact that you sound like a selfish person and you know it. I myself am a father, and to know that their are women out here like this is an insult. We single father's deserve to be loced too, who do some of you think you are.? Why don't some of you just say men with children should just give up? I don't care what anyone says this is a venting situation for selfish women, who didn't make sure they new what they were getting into realized late and started looking at their significant others like hopeless losers.

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At my age (30's) it's damn near IMPOSSIBLE to find a man w/o kids. It eliminates abt 90% of potential mates... and good luck finding a quality man in that measly ten percent! I think abt leaving alllll the time. Its blissful to ponder a life that's so much easier.

This article makes so much sense. My fiancé is twenty years older. He has three kids from first marriage. We have a two year old daughter together. I can't stand his ex wife. She calls for trivial things it annoys the heck out of me!!!! She will always be a thorn in my side. Ugh. I try to get along with his kids. They are teenagers. I will never feel the love for them that I feel for our own daughter. The child support that we have to churn out every month ****** me off. I cringe when he writes out the check. That is money that can be put in our bank. Instead it goes to her. I feel it takes things away from our daughter too. This may all sound selfish but it's the honest truth. I'm glad I'm not the only one out there. It's a cycle of baggage. The annoying ex wife will always be there. I just want to tell her to go away. Definitely not something I recommend. That is, getting involved with man who has kids and an ex wife. I love my fiancé very much but it can be a struggle. I just want our own life.

I always hated the child support payments to the ex wife, too. Money down the toilet! I wish my man had never met her.

Run as fast and as far away from step parenting.

So im glad im not the only one who feels this way. I thought i was being selfish. Anyways heres my situation, i wasted time with my ex for 5 yrs finally i left him and met a wonderful man hes much older than me but he dosent look a day over 25 hes 37 and im 21. He is amazing everuthing i could ask for, he has one grown daughter thats not biological thats starts **** with me for no reason shes 20 and he has a son which is his by blood, he lives in a different state but only two hours away he comes down from time to time to stay with us hes 18 and hes rude, lazy and annoying hes sleeps on my couch all day, puts disgusting dishes in my sink and tags along with us everywhere like a d*** 10 year old. He forgets **** on purpose to hold us up hes sneaky and coniving. Not to mention hes schezophrenic or whatever and my bf said he flips out randomlu for no reason now hes staying at my house for two weeks its been a week and im going insane.The daughter or so called and ex wife start **** for no reason, literally make up the dumbest things you could imagine. The daughter writes me on fb saying shes gonna fight me and my bf puts me before them and i wont be accepted for holidays etc. Im like who the heck are you? Your not even blood, your another mans ***** that left along time ago. Its just annoying when we first met the b**** would come get 300 dollars at a time from my bf i put a stop to that real quick. I guess thats why she got mad and started acting like that. I guess what im trying to say is ive been with this man for over a year noew and its amazing when those brats are not around but when they are my nerves tense up and i become annoyed. It may be different if they were taught manners and home training but their rude and disrespectful after i done nothing but try and get along with them.

I too am in a relationship with a man who has 5 children! They practically live with us except for 2, he never wants to send them home so we can have time it's constantly kids kids kids! He acts like he doesn't get it then gets mad if I get mad that they're there. If they leave it's only for a night at the most. I'm about to throw in the towel. He doesn't make them do chores, if they do something wrong he finds an excuse, doesn't discipline at all. My family thinks he's a complete psycho and I need to go because it's not gonna stop. Never seen anything like this in my life!

Do not ever consider dating a man with children. I was always against it but, when we were dating he lied to me. He didn't tell me for over a month not only did he have an ex wife but 2 kids that were teenagers!!! Ugh! I jad already fallen in love with him at this point. He is the love of my life. But in every situtio. Imaginable his damn horrific children get brought up! Trying to buy a house? Do you have kids? Oh well I do with some one else they're not ours... Oh you pay child support then? Well you're denied for your home loan!!! (I don't even wanna go there but the child support is fu&$ing rediculous! No money to buy me anything after the brats are paid for and the ex wife is paid off) my husband and I are doing infertility treatment and every other questions his brats get brought up! Its like a dagger to the heart! I am only 23 and cant get pregnant because he wasted his good ***** on a ***** for his horrible kids he has with her! He doesn't understand my pain because he has kids he doesn't get that i'd give anything to have had his first child! I was never married before him i never had sex with anyone else! But those are values he didnt hold! How bratty and evil his kids are is just the tip of the iceburg his daughter who is 16 wont even talk to him now and blames it on his and my relationship even though I never did anywrong doing to her. And when he is upset about it he blames me too! His 12 yr old son is almost as nad he tries to make everything my fault of whines and complains and acts out so I have to correct him cause his dad wont and then I get yelled at for correcting him. Dont do it!! Im telling you. It's hell. I love my husband and hate his past and his kids.and cant imagine bot being with him. I wish i wouldve known before we fell in love!

I think women should be taught at a young age to kind of casually ask "haha you don't happen to be an excon or have a couple of kids or exwife I should know about?" That might not be the best way to bring it up but it beats being told after you have fallen for him, "oh I need to tell you, I'm divorced and have two wonderful kids."

I am so sorry you are going through so much heartache. I do feel like guys with kids come on so strong, seem perfect, delay talking about kids, don't bring up their financial problems and burdens. Later after we are wed things seem to change dramatically. Dads so often seem afraid to discipline or even just say, "please dont leave your plates and food all over the house". Of course these kids are more than happy to tell you what they don't like about your behavior.

With respect to the house you could try to apply for a loan on your own, but only if you have a well paying job and the property isn't too expensive.

I don't want to give you to many opinions becauses these are your decisions. I have noticed stepkids never seem to get easier, unless they move away with decent jobs, but you still can't trust them. Having kids of your own can help change the balance of power but it doesn't seem to lessen child support.

It is upsetting that he blames you when his son is mad about something. These guys obviously don't seeem to think or care that their behavior lessens a wife's love for them. They must think they are so wonderful or that a wife is so attached she will put up with anything.

I think in retrospect I could have acted more independent and less clingy. I think that would have given me more power in the relationship. I'm still married but I let my husband think the sun and moon set on him. I think one reason we do is because all this exwife stuff and him having kids hurts so much that we tend to feel less of a wife and are just more vulnerable.

Ladies, please keep sharing! Below was me 2 years ago. I broke things off, but we've stayed in occasional contact. Meanwhile, I'm so sad that it looks like I'll never have kids or my own family. He's back around and I'm so depressed and vulnerable that I'm worried I'll pick back up with him (chemistry is still unreal). Your stories keep it real and just may keep me from disaster. Thank You.

*Thanks* to the OP and responders for sharing so openly. I've started to date a 44-yr old man with a grown son (24) and 2 daughters (15 and 10). The son is from a casual teen situation; the mom shared custody until she dropped the boy off at 7 yrs for the dad to raise - the "kid" still lives w/dad and now has a daughter who lives with her mom. The 2 daughters are from a marriage that ended due to the wife's cheating; custody is shared, week on/week off.
Without the kids, this man would be such a great match for me; smart, kind, and the chemistry is amazing. I told him the kids were an issue; I have none. I support single dads, but told him I need someone who actually has time for me. He declared he would make me a priority. I said I needed to see how it would work in real time. Well, it's not working - he has no time for me, really. Even on his week "off," he has the 10-yr old until 8pm+ when the mom picks her up after work, so we can't even have dinner. He makes no special plans to work around this and I can see it won't work.
I'm crying and can't even type anymore; I know I need to break this thing off. I like this man so much; I should have known from the start this was a bad idea. The only smart thing I've done is not to sleep with him, so 'recovery' won't be as bad as it could be. Thank you ladies, for the warnings - I need to end this NOW.

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I totally feel like this with my husband and these are my kids, not my step kids. I feel like their is no room for me when he and the kids are together and I'm the mom. How sad is that? The kids are in the way of our happiness and their isn't much I can do about it, but divorce him and find a man without kids. I am sorry u feel so bad in your relationship with your husband. I feel for you!

I agree -- Do not date a man with kids ever, ever, ever. I wish and pray I could go back in time and get out of the situation I’m in. I didn’t know this man was married and had kids when I met him and fell in love with him; he didn’t tell me until after we had been dating for about a month and by then I was so in love with him. I had just gotten out of a bad marriage myself so I was sympathetic to his having not been open with me about his marriage. He got divorced after we met and he treated me better than I could ever imagine a man would treat a woman, and he became my best friend. But he has three kids who are almost grown, and they are without a doubt the three most despicable human beings I’ve ever met. They are extremely rude and disrespectful to me and never once in five years has he ever corrected them and asked them to be kind to me, even in our own home. The youngest kid lived with us part-time for the first three years we were together, and I cannot ever explain the hell of that. You feel like an unwanted intruder in your own home, but worse than that, because you get treated like some kind of a slave to the spoiled and disgusting child. I kept thinking things would get easier as time passed, but it does NOT get easier, it just gets worse by leaps and bounds. Also most of his extended family is overwhelmingly rude and cold to me, and treat me like I broke up this man’s marriage, even though he and his ex had been cheating on each other and discussing divorce for ten years before he met me. I think maybe the worse part of all is holidays. I used to so love and look forward to holidays, and now I dread them with a knot in my stomach so that I feel sick for weeks before holidays arrive. These days that are supposed to be full of love and magic are now full of people who make me feel like less than trash. I don’t even have the option of having kids of my own because of these three; he has three and for financial reasons he does not want any more. I just feel more and more alone and isolated but he bought a house that we moved in to together and I feel trapped and unable to get out at this point. I feel like if I told him I want to leave he’d throw me out and change the locks or something, and keep my cat from me, who is beloved to me. I wouldn’t know where to begin in order to get out of the situation. Anyway yeah all I can do is warn all my friends, never get involved with a man with kids, it is sheer hell and will destroy your life.

And if there are no men without kids, being single works, too. Hindsight 20/20. Having your life revolve around some other woman's snot-nosed little brats sucks. My step kids are in their 20's now and I gotta tell ya, it does not improve. Especially when the step grand brats start showing up. Then they ask if they, their spouse and their effing kids can live with you because they can't hold down jobs!!! WTF? Hell to the no! My step kids will never move into my home. Ever. Hubby knows this and backs me up on it, too.

I'm married with a man with 4 kids.3 girl 1 boy. 15,13,11 and 7 year's old .the youngest is boy. All of his kids live with him. I accept everything. I'm a divorce too. But my 1st marriage just 1month. I meet my husband from the website. He was okay 1st 2 month. But he act different when he start didn't sleep with me and refuse to had sex with me. I was thinking he had someone else. And yes...He was. We talk and discuss why all this thing happen. The reason is,he never slept with a girl who had and extra weight and have a scar. So, I decide to loose weight for him..But he is overweight too. In 2 month I loose 13kg. he didn't say anything that I loose weight and look different.but others does. Everyone recognise that i loose weight. And now he start to.loose weight too. But the problem now is,his ex wife is a modern woman. Sexy,she didn't wear hijab like me. I was just thinking that maybe he still have feeling towards his ex wife. And his kids..has nasty bad mouth. They just being nice to me if she needs something. I've been through a lot since I'm married with him. I don't mind to look after his Kids. But I know he cheat and being unfaithful towards me. Talking with other in the Tango. And so much thing. I just don't know what should I do with this.And he join some dating site on the net. I don't know if he hook up with any of them. I don't know why he want to marry me if I'm not attractive to him.

sounds like he married you to watch his kids . so sad

I agree. I feel like I'm intruding on their life when they stay with us. When they're not around I feel like were a couple. Very strange feeling. Just keep thinking when we have our own I won't feel so bad! It's like looking through a window.
My mother in law to be keeps explaining why she thinks things went wrong between them! And keeps calling me by her name!!! I can't say anything with out sounding like a b:::h!! I actually wanna snap!!!! Need some space! Love him. Hate the life!!!

Are you married yet omg? If not I would suggest you rethink it. Even though you have kids of your own it doesn't increase the money and there are still lots of problems. I would much preferred to have kids with a husband without his own kids. Plus they will still come over and mess up your weekends, beg for money beyond child support, do stupid things, be sneaky and dishonest. I sometimes tell my husband that I wished I had never married him. I tell my own kids never to marry a man with kids. The ex will do everything to make your life a living hell including cozying up with mil to be and other relatives and getting stepkids to hate you more. Wait til the subject of a will comes up. Talk to a lawyer sbout that one to know what you are in for.

What a nutcase mominlaw you would have. They have no kindness or tact. Mine would often bring up the ex when there was absolutely no reason to. She even brought up how when they were having marital problems she flew to this location of some big name tv ministry to get prayer for their marriage. I got up from the restaurant table walked out the door, walked to a store, called for a cab and rode home. Other family relatives are the same way. They may even invite the ex to family functions without you or your future husband knowing. My advice look for a guy your own age without kids. If you can't find any workout as much as you can, whiten your teeth, get some nice clothes and look for a younger guy. It just isn't worth it. If you need some incentive read your fiances divorce decree, you can get it from the court.

I dated a guy for 3 years off and on who had a baby momma and an ex wife. One was a small child and one was an teen. I was a widow so I was lonely and he was convenient (growing up together). He was always struggling, complaining about child support, etc. Well, I can truly say that I am thankful to God I never got engaged or married to this man. Baby Momma drama to the fullest (I had to get an order of protection against this chick). A month after I finally listened to the "Man Above" I met the Man of my dreams. A wonderful Man with no children just like me. I have been married now almost a year and I am so HAPPY. I look back at that part of my life and say "What was I thinking".I recommend to any lady out there stay clear of men with "baggage" especially if you don't have any children of your own. I am thankful my late husband was praying for me on his sick death bed for a Man that would take care of me (finacially, physically and spiritually) because that is now what I have. Thankful!!!

I know. When you bring about $400.00 in debt and a crappy car into the new relationship and he brings debt, crappy car, child support payments, ex wife and kids into the new relationship, it makes the playing field uneven.

Soooo true!!!! Im in that boat now, my partner has an 8 yr old son and has him every weekend. I find it hard at the way my partner treats him like a baby, the child only eats pizza or macaroni and a lot of high sugar sweets and biscuits, all his teeth are black, when i discuss this with my partner he gets mad at me! Now we had a baby daughter and i feel my partner puts his son before our daughter

I feel like it is very hard to be a step mom and yes it can be emotional at times.. But everyone's situation is different. Make rational decisions! I met my husband 2 months before his son was born. Him and his son's mother broke up and she was living far away.. They were only dating 3 months and she got pregnant and it wasn't planned at all.. They were never in love and they attempted to make it work because of the kid but it didn't last. Not even long enough for the child to be born. He went up to New York when he was born and it was very emotional.. Here is the man I love 1000 miles away watching his first born son be born and it has nothing to do with me! But that was selfish of me because he was also calling me crying.. Downright broken hearted that it had to be that way! Here we are a year and half later and we are married and his son and son's mother moved down and we are actually friends and communicate very well.. She talks to me more than she does my husband! Even when he was expecting his son he would talk about he wished it was me.. And he still says he wishes he met me earlier.. But you know what... I don't! Of course a part of me does.. But the fact is he would not be the same person he is! And if he wasn't I wouldn't have been so attracted to him. And from the beginning I decided to love that child just as if he was mine! And my husband has always put me first!! And has always loved and cared for his son the way a loving father should! It can be a good thing.. The fact was that child was going to need a stepmother that loved him and his father was going to need a loving wife by his side. And I am happy and proud to be that woman!

Im in the same situation. Im 20 with no kids, and my bf has 2. One 6 and one 2 . He's 26. Im torn . We been together for over a year now and we actually live together. I try to just accept it, but when they come around i just want them to leave. I want to start my own FAMILY. I dont want a broken home. His bm is a bum and and my opinion she does not take care of the kids the way a REAL womeam should. AThe kids have bad habbits amd they can be pretty annoying at times. I feel so awful that I feel this way,but i cant help it. The bm thinks she can just say and fo whatever she wants. I feel that if I have a child wihth him it wont be as special. Me and my child will always be second!! Raising 3 kids will be too much .Mentally and finacially it will be too much. I want my future child to have the world. I feel thay he cant give us that with 2 kids by someone eles . It will always be a problem. They are not my kids . I cant raise them how i want to .They will always be a problem for me. We been together for over a year and i still feel this way.

I feel that he was stupid for even getting this girl pregnant twice . What can you posdibly do for me and any future children we might have. We are already struggling as it is. I want to break it off with him. I feel that if i stay it will ruin my life . I love him do much i feel like i cant leave him.i stuck and i dont know whst to do. I know i will always feel this way .he's the perfect guy minus his kids.

I would leave. If I had know 20 years ago what I know now, I would not have pursued a relationship with him. I love him, but it sucks to always have his first family looming over you like a storm cloud.

My step kids are now 23 and 25. It does NOT get better. The cycle continues once they start having kids. Your husband will be excited about his and his ex wife's new grand baby. You will not be a part of it. :(

You are absolutely right ,in my experience dating man with kids

So thankful for these posts! I was in a relationship with a man with children (I don't have kids), and always felt like #2, even treated flat out cold when they were around. I was so heartbroken over him, but feel that I dodged a bullet. I also feel like there is something wrong with me that I felt like I should have been higher on the totem pole of priorities. Reading these posts makes me feel like I am not crazy to feel that way. Of course I expect children's needs to come first, I would have no respect for a man that wasn't a good father. On the other hand, your marriage/relationship should also be a priority. I never wanted the kids to be pushed aside for my needs ever, but felt that spending alone time with me should be on the 'to do' list at least once a week. Even if we were married and they were my children, the same thing would be true. I think men forget to date their wives and make the marriage a priority. His attitude about that makes me now see why he is divorced. I would have been miserable had it continued, I was miserable when it was going on (also, this was not his only issue). Every article you read about dating men with children tells you you just have to accept that you are second and that you should basically not ever expect more than that, and if you don't it's your fault. I disagree with that, but was always feeling like that was wrong and I'm just a selfish person. Thanks for making me realize it's normal to feel this way and it doesn't make you a terrible person. There should be room for both children and a SO in a man's life and no one should feel like they are just around to fill in the gaps or for physical needs.

So true and we'll said

My man and i fell madly inlove, and he showed me so much affection, and was super proud to show my pictures and talk about all the positive. I was for the first time entering a relationship with a man who is 10yrs older, with two grown daughters from 2 different mothers. Something i never imagined doing! But because i was soooo into him and he into me too i just accepted this with no issue at all. Flash forward to months later, and already the signs of disrespect were showing. His mom would bring up things that were painful to me as the current woman. Not only is it painful to be slapped in the face with his past being mentioned about his ex's, but to add insult, i have to hear over and over again about how BEAUTIFUL his 24yr old is, how successful she is, i get to see him CONSTANTLY looking at all her facebook pictures of her dressed SEXY in Higheels, partying with her friends, crop tops, bikini's etc. She posts pics of her modeling and he prints them off, frames them. She took thousands of pictures, some of her 100's of pairs of higheels on her shoe racks, he brags about all this superficial ****!!!!! I say I DONT CARE about all that crap!!!! Instead of paying SO MUCH attention to her social life and sexy photos why not use that energy to focus some attention on your woman!!! Its WEIRD!!! and hurts my feelings that he is acting obsessive with her photos, and nonstop bs., Then turns around and Neglects me in so many ways, NO SEX for month or two at a time, no bragging about how hot his woman is ... NOTHING!!!! its like i am watching him ignore a sexy WOMAN to pay extensive attention to his KID who is 24!!!!! She lives at home with her mother still, pays no rent , so she can afford to spoil herself on clothes and shoes and he actually rubs that **** in my face when i have very little !!! And deserve to treat myself once in a while. He has invited resentment in and its at the cost of my heart to glorify a grown kid who is all about herself!!!! He has also used his 25yrold sort of in the same way, but she is not as pretty so i guess she doesnt get all the attention like the other one. ITs so ****** up!!! How am i suppose to feel?? I signed up to be with a man who loves me and is proud of me, not to be with someone who is sending me the message to take a back seat while he glorifies his sexy grown up daughter who he didnt raise or support! totally ******* unreal!!!!!

PS, i am 37 and very fit and youthful, he is 47. We have been together for 5yrs, and no engagment, he still hasnt divorced his wife that he left about 14 yrs ago. i mention the fit and youthful part so you know as the reader i am not a frumpy insecure baby. I am someone who knows i deserve to be loved and felt like the WOMAN ... he is making a mockery of my role at every turn, and its with his kids! He calls me names, makes jokes saying i am fat (when i am thin and fit) and has no concept of how hurt i am. He just adds to it when i tell him how horrible this all feels. I get called a child, a *****, etc. Instead of him saying, "i love you, you're my woman" , its just more hurt piled on. Then he gets worse, and does more to glorify his kids and add more insult to me, and more neglect. So fed Up!!!

It's one thing to be with a man you absolutely love and don't want to live without while struggling to find a place in your heart for his children and baggage from a previous relationship. It's quite different to stay with a married man who doesn't treat you well. You should leave him.

Being a stepmom can be just plain awful. It is just an unnatural situation. I would suggest to all you single women out there to find out before you date a man whether they have kids.

I knew my husband was divorced when I met him but since I was young I didn't automatically think he had kids. I assumed he didn't because the person who introduced me who I barely knew didn't mention it. By the time he told me about his two kids I had fallen pretty hard for him plus he seemed to have a ton of time for me.

Like a lot of guys he was on good behavior showering me with attention, gifts, fun dates, but I think he spent less time with his kids while we were dating and then after the marriage started making up for lost time. It was a whole different world after that.

And I do really resent in laws who bring up the ex in conversation when absolutely unnecessary or invite her to family funerals when even my spouse doesn't want her there.

I am feeling better to hear other people feel this way - I got involved with a guy, who I love deeply, but who has 3 kids from 2 different women. I didn't mind for the first 7 months or so of the romance, but around 8 months into the relationship, his baggage started to affect me. Now, over 1.5 years later, I feel very isolated with him, and alone most of the time. Even when I am with him, I feel alone because he talks a lot about his 3 girls, and his exs. He talks a lot about his exs, even though he claims to be over them. They are just so present in his life. 2 of the 3 kids were unplanned, and the 3rd child, from the 2nd woman, was a result of her being jealous about him having 2 kids from the his first major partner, who he had kids with in his mid 20s. I know it is a modern society and people are expected to be able to deal with dating single parents, but I don't like it. I have tried for nearly 2 years and I am getting very tired, it requires a lot of understanding and emotional generosity on my part, and I am not always capable of it. I feel secretly upset every time I have to listen to him talking about his kids and his exs and I feel guilty for feeling upset. I don't know how to detach myself from the situation now - I know it is unhealthy for me, especially because I am just turning 30 and have no kids, and perhaps I want a child in my mid 30s. It would be nice to private message with any people who have made it work dating men with baggage, while not having kids themselves - because I have only seen negative feedback from women dating men with children.

well if you dont like it i am afraid u will never do!and my advice is pretty extreme wot it worked for me...needs guts too...hmm actually it dosent need guts i could not handle it so it was my way or the high way.i told him i cant live like that to hell with it,so he really didnt want a second divorce...
(crap!!,i still wonder why the hell did i do it!!)

problem is he is from an other country and i didnt realize where i was geting in to cause of the distance ,but when i married in one month it turn hell!exes stalking kids around ,money problems!i freaked out!if i had to do it all over again no no no!its a curse!and the worse is ur a victim of divorce tootheir divorce has huge impact on a new partner ,is by far not normal to have several kids spread around and multipute mothers, but the worst of the case is nobody will allow you to have any feelings,HOW YOU DARE HkAVE FEELINGS HUH EVIL STEP MOTHER!yo u gona cry endles nights ur husband wont get you,maybe not even ur own mother sigh!step situation is polarizing the couple,you are not same team on that matter actually ue ar husband sits in the other side of the team,which feels horrible,to me felt like i date a married guy,ur home can be invaded by intruders that ur husband will open the door gladly,ur just exposed to emotional heavy situation.

and ofcurse there is embathy only for the father and the kids NOT YOU.URare just not allowed and if you dare show it halhalhala mamama they gona eat you alive...e
problem is he didnt divorce me i would have been so releifed never ever hear about those kids and their mother EVER AGAIN!I SHEVER
and as the writer sais i was craving a guy with no kids.
cause the one with kids with out wanting it he is gona put you in a life roller gona be the bad guy and on top of it u gona be their pounching bag.

some people get along though dont ask me how i just cant,its a reallyavsituation,,but if some one wants to email me i would like have somebody who has same trouble,its releifing to have somebody in same situation i am just fed up with all those smart ***** who have a nuclear family and they dare to tell me how i have to feel or what i have to do with MY LIFE.

wow and one last thing i notice,in a step situation, feels like you can not have privacy,tep kids is a huge personal problem with in your marrige ,that is completely exposed to the pubblic.i mean many couple have problems but it stays with in the couple to decide and is nonof a business to others,but with step kids,ergg, you gona have it from every side!all exposed!and the ex anouncing it around,ur parents in law tell you wot to do bleh well who want to date man with kids good luck...i would reccomend it only to people who want go adopt kids and they get the father as present next to it.

My BF talks a lot about his ex...not all the time but she will do things that make him angry. I can't imagine breaking up with someone or divorcing someone and still having to talk to and see them all the time because you share children. You can be over someone but when they're in your face all of the time, you can't really let go of some of the residual anger and hurt they may have caused.

My BF's ex moved to the city where we now live and then divorced him. He followed her here to be close to their children. He didn't want to live here but now he does because of choices that she made. He's still resentful about that. I'd be pissed too.

My advice to you is to take control of your life. They are his kids and his ex and his baggage NOT YOURS. Do this before you have kids of your own that will demand your time an attention. I'm not suggesting that you not be supportive of his life but be supportive of your own life first. If there are things that you want to do...DO THEM. See your friends, take a class, find a hobby that you love. When we date people with so much baggage, it's easy to get completely submerged in their mess. You can't let that happen. The more time you focus on yourself and doing what makes you happy, the less time you'll have to worry about what's going on in his life, with his kids and his ex.

If you have things going on in your life that you're passionate about, you can talk to him about those things when you're alone together and all of the talk won't be about his problems. It's easy for people with children to think that their lives are so much more important than everyone else's but their lives and issues are only more important to them. Your life is important to you and you should focus your energy there.

I am a step mom and I totally agree with everything you said. It's true , I am angry and resentful. Take this woman's advice , date a person with no children or children that are grown and gone with their own lives. This is just to much. I want to quit this job!

I totally agree, I am a step mom I am pregnant for my fiance now. He already has a now 4 year old daughter... And his baby mama is just not good at all. I do my best for her I do what I can. But yes its like im pregnant now And he cares an all its just like the attention and affection. Its like the feeling is resentful. Because he already has a child that was way before me. And now im pregnant with his second child. It just feels so different because his daughter is being raised in two different households. And she is very disrespectful because her mom tells her bad things about me. And you know I feel that is childish and not right at all to tell a child that. AND ITS NOTHING HE AND I CAN DO. HOW DO A WOMAN WHO LOVES THIS MAN DEARLY. HE IS ABOUT TO BE MY HUSBAND HOW DO I DEAL WITH THAT...

It actually does'nt matter how old they are even grown children who are living their own lives are a serious problem! They call all the time need favors, bring up their mom constantly, every time the phone rings its his kids, ex-wife calling! The sad truth is there's no such thing as divorce once you have kids they are in a permanant relationship forever eventually there's engagements, weddings, grandchildren it never ends.... on top of that there's feelings their for the ex they did share the priceless moments of life together it wasn't all bad (especally someone who had a normal white wedding in a church, and planned and wanted to have kids with his ex), they were in-love and happy....... I could go on and on its basically a nightmare, a prison, and why abuse yourself like that very hard miserable your never ever number one........ will he cry when your kid is born probably not, he won't be scared but you will be its lonely! Its not a good idea..... if you do your on your own men are selfish, woman are selfish, children are selfish, if you want him to tell his ex to stop calling he won't do it he will get mad and you will be the bad guy! No one is on your side his kids will take his side, his ex will do whatever she wants, and don't even get me started on the mother and rest of the family especially if they like the ex! Wow just writing this is giving me anxiety..... childbirth is very painful you want need compassion but don't count on it..... there's no genuine excitement, no enthusiasm, no fear on his part especially if he has more than one kid! He's been their done that he actually a pro at this point and you don't need a tour guide, you need a husband! His first wife stole the show and ran off with the prize..... but, if you do it goid luck try not to be resentful! Its hard and can get bitter!


wow thank you lol you confirmed all my fears and thoughts. I thought I was being selfish on not wanting to get involved with a man with kids as I dont have any of my own. I feel I deserve to be number 1 I am currently seeing a man who claims to be miserable with the mother of his children he has 3 kids he says he loves them to death only reasons hes living with her is for the kids but he loves me and wants to move out... I am just very iffy about this entire situation I told him I think if he decides to move out he should move out for him not because he assumes me an him will be together... I just dont feel like I want to be anyones step mom and I really dont want a TOUR GUIDE lol but anyways love all these posts makes me feel like I am not a bad person and being selfish or judgemental :)

You're allowed to be selfish when it comes to your life. You don't have to put your needs aside for someone else if you don't want to do that. When it comes to children...they come first much of the time but not necessarily all of the time. Hopefully if your partner has children, he'll learn to prioritize. There are times when your jobs will come first, there are times when your parents or friends might need you, there are times when your kids will need you and there are times when you'll need each other. You'll never be first all time time, even for someone that doesn't have children. What happens if your partner is going through a busy time at work and has to put in extra hours? Life will always get in the way.

It's a balancing act but it doesn't need to be the end of the world.

Dating a man with children is no easy task but hopefully he'll understand how difficult it is for you and he'll have realistic expectations.

o my u say it so nice,basicly thats why i have problems with they say divorced but is like there is no divorce..

w but one defference with my baby i gave birth 4 months ago my husband hahah was so scared like he see it first time!and he has 3,plus he is reaetlly excited with our daughter,well when we saw the step kidss ecouple of years ago he was froozen with them,i think he dosent want to get attached with something he can not have,and thanks to that idiot ex, she was always puting the kids first,so he is kinda of damaged on that.i am not like the ex forcing things so..he is good with our little one.some men love their children through their wife,if you have one like that then maybe it will work, also verbal abused guys by the ex are more luckily to stay not so involved with the ex family.

I totally agree with all you said. Im.glad I found this site. I'm married to a man with 3 kids. I have no emotional support. Boy do I need some. Thanks for sharing.

By the way I'm strictly talking about girls that have no children..... not divorced mothers! Sorry for any misunderstanding! Single dads should marry single moms and god knows there's tons of divorced parents..... there's more balance understanding etc. I'm talking about having your first wedding, baby ect. it should be special and you need to be number one!

Grown children with their own lives are still ever-present. My DH still gets phone calls and texts asking for money or if they can move into our house! I told him that his ex wife's kids will NEVER live in our home. Ever. That would be a dealbreaker for me and we've been together for almost 20 years. It does not improve.

His kids are never gone I don't know what you mean....... They grow up but never gone it never changes & age has nothing to do with it & don't get me started on the wife YES WIFE no such thing as an EX nice try! If you win the lottery & spend all the money you still won the lottery just because the monies gone doesn't change the fact that you won! An ex is the same way she's never gone memories photos videos kids & don't forget the wife will probably stay friends with some of her husbands family! She will always be an aunt to his nieces & nephews it never ends!

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OMG, reading all of these makes me feel so normal and my husband said it was me....thank you all so much

I agree with you. My fiance tells me "you're fine" when I tell him I read these boards for insight. However, he's not the one who feels like an outsider in his own home. And I'm not exactly being truthful when I tell him I read them for "insight", I actually read them for "comradery".

my husband sais,that those board are stupid and that is nhe majority having problems and is the minority,but i keep telling him many women are ashamed or have no guts to go against it so it goes unoticed, i mean kom on!!couples with no kids and divorce so often!!how the hell it works for step fam?

I have been married for four years to a man that has an 8 year old daughter, and I love her to death. She doesn't live with us but she visits often, and when she does, her 13 year old brother comes too. When my husband was dating their mother, the 13 year old was 2. After 3 years of being a father figure to the 2 year old(who was now 5), his daughter was born. Then a year after, my husband and his BM split. Keep in mind that even tho they split, my husband still took care of his daughter, and the 5 year old boy who was not his, because he had created a bond with him and said it wouldn't be right to just "kick him to the curb" just because he and the BM were no longer together. Fast forwarding to today. His daughter is now 8 and her brother is 13. They both come to stay with us, and we buy both of them christmas gifts and birthday gifts. He pays child support only for his daughter, but tells his BM if her son needs anything, to just let him know. I love both of the children and my husband and I have a 2 year old son together and he loves both of them and they love him. They play together and wrestle just like my son is as big as they are. I wouldn't say never marry someone with children, but you definitely must must know what you're getting yourself into and What comes along with marrying someone with children. You're going to have to deal with them thinking that you can't tell you what to do because you're not their parent but that's when you explain that you may not be their parent but you are married to their mom/dad and you are an adult and should be respected as an adult. Thankfully I didn't have to go through that and hopefully I never will. Then there's also the BM. I had issues with her but not major ones. I just explained to her that we may not like each other and we don't have to but this is the situation and for the kids sake we need to be civil and act like adults. So I won't sau don't marry someone with kids but be aware of what comes with it.

Wow! I thought I was the only woman who felt this way! I have been with my fiancé for 8yrs. He had two boys with ex. One of which is not his biological son. He found out bc the ex and her bf at the time of which they had another child afterwards with wanted to get a paternity test! So she has 3 children. One with my fiancé and two with her ex bf. the ex bf takes cars of the youngest child but not the middle one! But that's his biological child! Instead we take care of the middle as well. I feel she is getting over on us bc we are financially more stable than her and her ex. And my fiancé is in a messed up situation bc he don't want to neglect the child even though his real dad in still in the picture when it come sees the youngest child. In all I have resentment now towards both my fiancé real son and the other child he takes care of because of this. Not to mention my fiancé and I have a 3 yr old son and 1 yr old daughter. He knows I have never accept the children bc I feel like his ex is using us. What's sad is I feel like he puts this child that's not even his before me and sometimes our own children. It's a horrible feeling bc I put alot of my life into this relationship and I want to walk away bc I am for certain i will never get over this. On top of that, my fiancé lies about what he do for his children. And hides everything he does related to the mother. For example I never get to witness what conversations they have on the phone. And hues a very sweet guy. So I know for a fact he's doing more for her then what he says. So that's another issue. The lies are a deal breaker too. I'm just afraid to live bc I feel I will struggle being a single parent and I may never find a man to accept my children. I hate I am in this situation! Especially coming from a family raised only by women. I always dreamed of a small family with me my man and our children traveling and enjoying life. Oh for certain we travel but he always suggest we take his kids. When I want to do a family thing. I wish I could get him to realize yes you have other children u are responsible for but you have a family too! I cry cry cry so much over this. And it's ruining my life.

Wow..reading your post sounds like my life. On it's hard to type but hopefully we can support one another.

Are you really in a similar situation? Meaning non biological children. Can you elaborate? I would love to know.

I married my husband 3 yrs ago. He has 3 kids. 1 of which is not really his. He was never married to his ex. Supposedly never even in love but because of their 1st daughter together he accepted her 2nd daughter as his, which she had during a long break up of theirs after they had their 1st daughter. They were together off and on about 17 yrs..and had another kid during those last yrs. So they have a boy who is 6 now.

Basically the last 3 yrs of since being with him has been beyond stressful and chaotic. During probably the first almost 2 yrs straight his ex would call CONSTANTLY, sometimes up to 10 times a day or more. She would call super early or super late mostly asking stupid stuff that didn't need a phone call. She would ask the same questions over and over. She would call and then say she forgot why she called. She even called my husband on our wedding day just to say "did you call me?" ....!!!...bit....If you don't know if he called you, I guess he didnt. But what it is is she is the type who just has to keep her presence known. She demands to be IN his life even when she shouldnt. She knows that guilt is his motivator so she takes FULL advantage. She would ask for extras all the time -- extra money from.him so they all could be in her friends wedding, her car broke down so she calls him for money, extra for HER to buy their kids xmas gifts, extra money for a deposit for a better apartment. To me these are all things that if you are still together then you would work out together. But he has a wife now and you can't just call another man's wife all the time. Period!. The hardest part has been that EVERYTHING time his ex behave rude or bad or annoying etc, he always defends her and gets mad and yells at me. No matter what. But if I say anything about her or to her that hurts her feelings he again will come down on me and not her. His family, omg, they don't even acknowledge me unless they have to. It's not the life I wanted. I had always been close toy exes families. Their moms and everyone always adored me. So it never even occurred to me that my marriage would be different. But for instance on facebook I will post numerous pics of my husband and I and sometimes even with his kids. They must have a pact together, not to give a like or comment. Especially they would never say I look nice. But they will say the sweetest things to eachother and to the other daughter in laws.

There's so much I've put up with. To them I'm definitely the bad guy. In the beginning I bent over backwards to make a connection with these people but no more of that. I've never been a celebrated member of that family. It's a very bazaar way to live. Nothing about it is normal.

I also think my husband still does things for his ex on the side. He also avoids talking to her when I'm around. Back when we met he wanted me to help him get his big mess of finances together. So he gave me all access to his bank accounts with no problem. But when I started putting my foot down about all the extra money going to his ex he changed all his passwords and now I have no access. I never know how much money we even have. And we work together. We drive a truck together. He is the owner operator and I'm a Co driver. But still I am not allowed to see his bank accounts.

Even worse is i have no support. My friends have cut me off. For some reason when you stay with a guy who treats you this way that's grounds for defriending someone. I could go on and on but that's just the tip of the ice berg.

Oh and I can't have kids. Obviously that's the most traumatizing thing to deal with. But Yep even his ex through that in my face during a call I made to her. How she even knew I couldn't have kids......hmmmmm. that was another big fight between my husband and I.

4 years is the situation now?

Yes check list for my situation:

You will be miserable.

You will yearn for a man with no kids.

You will have regrets.

You will feel pushed aside,

You will be angry and resentful.

I don't recommend it.

Always date someone with no children if possible. That way it will be your life together. Not his life and you just feel like your tagging along.

There is no room for you with a man with kids,even ***********when he tries his hardest to do his best to keep you first, you never will be. ************

Man with kids will always have an eyes for his children first and when you are not their mother, you just can not teach them, it is the rule of nature. When you have a misunderstanding with them, you will have to bend to them, first.

I am regret for taking that choice. The kids can do no wrong. They can slam the door, they can shout (18 for my case), they show no respect to you. It is a very crazy world.. and when it comes to a point, you would just have to be strong and ask if this is the what you want for the rest of your life. For sure you will not see it as "I made a good choice to be with him"

thats not really fair to say avoid dating man with kids. i am 30 i have 2 little girls 6 and 4 and i recently split from my fiance of 8 years. this is the type of information that will make a man feel hopeless in a time of need. everyone is different and every situation is different. i think if you connect with someone then if he has children are she has children it should not matter.

You shouldnt have been knocking women up then wrap it up because at the end of the day as you can obviously see those bastard children will pay the price

I think you're only thinking about yourself. Youwant woman with no kids and ex spouse bagage to accept yours. Selfish.

So, if every situation is different, then would your ex and her kids be willing to disappear for the sake of a new love interest? Doubt it. An ex and kids is always a pain.

*Thanks* to the OP and responders for sharing so openly. I've started to date a 44-yr old man with a grown son (24) and 2 daughters (15 and 10). The son is from a casual teen situation; the mom shared custody until she dropped the boy off at 7 yrs for the dad to raise - the "kid" still lives w/dad and now has a daughter who lives with her mom. The 2 daughters are from a marriage that ended due to the wife's cheating; custody is shared, week on/week off.

Without the kids, this man would be such a great match for me; smart, kind, and the chemistry is amazing. I told him the kids were an issue; I have none. I support single dads, but told him I need someone who actually has time for me. He declared he would make me a priority. I said I needed to see how it would work in real time. Well, it's not working - he has no time for me, really. Even on his week "off," he has the 10-yr old until 8pm+ when the mom picks her up after work, so we can't even have dinner. He makes no special plans to work around this and I can see it won't work.

I'm crying and can't even type anymore; I know I need to break this thing off. I like this man so much; I should have known from the start this was a bad idea. The only smart thing I've done is not to sleep with him, so 'recovery' won't be as bad as it could be. Thank you ladies, for the warnings - I need to end this NOW.

If Your man is putting You last he needs to stop. No one wants to be last on their Man's list of priorities. Maybe You should express that You feel You need to spend more time together alone, maybe a date night once a week is the go? Surely he can put You first one night a week. If he can't You may end up breaking it off. Don't be miserable for years and years waiting around for him to give you a scrap of his attention. You deserve more than that

It really is so hard to know. My husband died 4 years ago and I was a recluse until I met my male companion. I worked with emotionally disturbed children as a therapist for 15 years and thought I could take mother died right before we met (she was my best friend) and now I feel like a train wreck. I can relate to almost all of these posts...I try to be a fixer and honestly felt I would never find love and I do love this man...I'm so afraid of EVERYTHING ! So glad I found this.... Stressed out!!! Thanks!

My situation is a little different. I am married to a guy that has a son from a previous girlfriend. He hates the fact that he has a child with her because she is evil but he loves his son. He doesn't love him like a parent would though because he can not stand his mother. He has lots of resentment and guilt built up from the situation, which makes him an angry person. Even though he feels this way he still defends the son and the situation when we get in fights about it. We have him every 3rd weekend but I still hate those weekends. He is a very whiney 6 year old, who still sucks his thumb and carries around a blankie. I feel like I can never talk to my husband about it because he gets so angry. He admits he does not like the situation but still he defends it. I don't understand. I just wish he would let go of all the guilt and resentment! It is a very tough situation and I feel like if he would just let go of his feelings, he would be able to talk more about it and understand where I am coming from. Even if he can see my side, he argues about it. The BM is very manipulative and controlling! My husband's parents are very pushy and push the son on my husband. I think they know how much my husband dislikes the situation so the try to push the son on my husband. His parents claim not to like the BM, but keep in contact with her because of the kid. His parents will go get his son for the weekend (arrange everything through the mother) and never even tell my husband they had him for the weekend until later. It is a very strange situation and makes me resent my in-laws as well. I just hate the whole situation and my husband will not listen to my feelings about it even though he has resentment feelings built up about it too.

I think you're my life twin! Just had a major fight with the Hubz about stepson who's 16, and my mother-in-law who pushes him off on us. We have been married for 13 years and have a great life. BM has married, and has 3 other kids and struggles. Why does MIL feel the need to compare? I went to college, grad school and kept my legs shut until I was married. She did not. Our lives will never be the same. No amount of visitation will change that. And BM is resentful. But my MIL acts like her son is a teen dad, and he does not stop her.
After 13 years I'm as disgusted as I was at year one. I really should've listened to my mother. There's no need for me to divorce, because I don't want my kids to have a stepparent. It SUCKS!!!

The in laws sound toxic. Is there any way You can both move away from them all

So glad I found this thread...I'm not the only person with these feelings, I am normal after all!

Omg! It's not the fault of a man with children that you're unhappy. All of that could have been avoided if you had realized what everyone else already knows - A significant other with kids is a package deal and the kids come first! You speak as though this were a surprise or that you were tricked! I just don't understand that.

How would you get the impression that you would get to have "your own life" if you share it with a man and that man has children? If you share it with anyone, it's no longer just yours alone.

My ex had children with others. I was never able to spend much time with or get to know 2 of the 3, but the oldest and I are still close even now that his father and I aren't together. When he got his first gf, he texted me immediately to tell me all about it.

How sad for your stepchildren that you resent the role that you, as an adult, took responsibility for. You've chosen not to truly become a part of the family YOU CHOSE.

How you view it is all how you choose to see it. Choose to see it differently or quit wasting your new family's time, effort and love.

First, the person wrote the post 4 years ago, probably as a one off, probably like how you signed up just to have a go at someone, as a one off. People come on Experience Project to share real experiences, and if that involves venting, then we're supportive rather than being critical because maybe people come on here to escape the chastisement of majority ideology. If you're here to stay, welcome to E.P. but please be respectful towards others' feelings and beliefs. T

wow!! I thought that it was me feeling this way and that I was depressed or just angry. I feel all those things. I have been with this "family" for six years and now have a sone with him, yet I feel like both my son and myself always take a back seat. I know how much he loves my son, but his kids get better treatment than I do! I am so lonely and always wish for something else. I feel horrible thinking that way. I resent his kids and can't stand to be around them. We have never been on a vacation alone without them, we never had a honeymoon. When I ask about it, I am told that "they came before me and I can suck it". I am so lost and sad, and the only thing that makes me happy is my son.

Oh I agree, that is so true!!!

i hate to say it, but what dfilbert says is true. my husband and i have been married for 11 years! what a wonderful life we have! but the area where the stepkids are involved (them directly, not them directly, anything related to them) is a constant burden that is always, ALWAYS there ready to cause problems between me and my husband. ALWAYS. i'm so sad to say it. i hate this part of my life. do understand, i say this even when i recognize that 99% of our life together and our own kids are wonderful. even when i have a good relationship with the stepkids, my husband and i still fight about or something related to them. and we think we have a pretty strong marriage (been through so much together), and that we have things figured out. not true. can NEVER be true in a blended family. i'm so sad :(

I totally understand both arguments and debates. However, I feel in order to make things right : one must understand and realized that moving on with your life can and will. It's a difficult process to do, but it must be done in order to live happier.

I myself am going through a similar situation and I've come to a cross road and I need to decide whether to stay or leave. What makes it harder is we have a daughter together.

Perhaps it's about managing expectations. If you are happy with 99% of your life then by most people's measures you've done bloody well! Can I suggest you accept that your feelings about the stepkids are valid and that they don't make you a bad person but that on balance you're doing pretty darn well and should feel happy about the fact almost all your life is going well.
Think about it! :-)

It was nice reading all your posts because i felt like the only one going through something like this. however my situation is still somewhat different than all yours. Here it goes. I am 25 and have been married to my husband for almost 3 years and just 2 days ago he drops the bomb on me.. Tells me he has a son that will be turning 13 soon.. I would never have gotten involved with him if I knew he had a son, let alone marry him. Perhaps thats why he kept it from me..still no excuse. It gets better! His son is coming to this country to live with his daddy for good! Yippee! So..I was in a trusting faithful loyal kid-free relationship which was shattered in a matter of seconds. A 13 year old kid that i never knew existed will be living with us. As you probably guessed I dont have any kids of my own or with fact I never wanted kids, let alone someone elses. And whats worse is he almost at "that age".. Teenage acting out...... So even if I somehow came to terms with this and could trust him again.. I would probably not treat that kid well at all (i have no tolerance for kids attitude and its not even my own), let alone fill the spot for his lost mother. Its hard to say whether or not I will still be his priority, but judging by your shared experiences Im guessing things will change.. DRAMATICALLY. if youre interested i will keep you posted... He will be picking him up from the airport about 2 weeks from now. SURPRISE! Youre a stepmom. Ugh, i think not. SO at this point Im not sure whether I will be kicking him and his son out or not... i just cant handle this dramatic change... It will hurt me to be going to suddenly lonely from happily married so fast..but maybe its for the best..because my trust is completely betrayed and it wont be the same anymore.. I dont believe anything he tells me. Besides, I am already hurt like never before. Like I said, couple of days ago I was happily married. Whats even making the siatuation worse is that I could really use a friend to talk to now.. But when i needed to talk to someone he was it..i have no friends and no siblings. I guess thats why i formed such a --what i thought was-- strong bond with him.. But turns out i didnt know him at all. Boo hoo on me for Not keeping any secrets from him while he was holding this bomb above my head. Any advice is welcome as I have a whole lot of different feelings (all bad) going through me right now.. And some logic would be refreshing.

Bellhavens, i may be the wrong person to talk to right now because i just got in a fight with my husband (stepkids related, as always) and i have a whole lot of different feelings -- ALL BAD -- going through me right now myself. Usually a logical person, but no logic here for now.

I just wanted to let you know I hear you, and I feel your pain. I hope the very best for you.


That's truly tough. I have no advice but am here for support. Step parenting is not easy knowing it is coming let alone when u r blindsided by it. I am here to chat f u need but can't imagine what is going through your mind right now. I am not happy being a step parent and I "knew" what I was getting in to.

I feel so bad for you! My situation is different from yours, but in a sense similiar. Agains't some warnings from people, I got involved with a man who had a daughter. BIG MISTAKE. He was never married to his ex (Baby Mama) but she is a nightmare to deal with, and expects large sums of money from us. I have two children and am married to this guy now. When we were planning our wedding years ago I found out that he had another child out there with a different woman! After I called off the wedding understandably, but than decided to get married last year. I felt that I owed it to the kids to try and make it work. This is where it gets really bad. This woman was one of his co-workers friends wives, and he slept with her and got her pregnant! He took off and avoided her when she informed him that she was pregnant and than started dating me and I got pregnant 7 months later. I never had a clue about this other lady. This other woman was pregnant for two months and had her baby in the same year that I had mine. She had hers in May/05, and I had mine in Dec/05. Absolutely sickening. I would NOT wish this situation on my worse enemy. It has been pure HELL to deal with. I did not find out about this kid until April/08, when the kid was 3 years old. By this time my child was now 1 years old! Had I known what he did I would have NEVER gotton involved with him....ever!!!! This has been the biggest mistake of my life. I feel so sorry for you, and you have my heartfelt sympathy. What a bomb you had dropped on your head! Where you are fortunate is that you have no kids with your husband. In my opinion you are definately within your full right to divorce him on grounds of major lies and deception! The only reason I married my guy after years of trying to come to terms with this, was for the sake of the kids. Had we not had kids, I would NOT be here. The stress and pain is NOT worth it. My husband has 4 kids with 3 different woman. It's disgusting!!! I feel very trapped at times and unhappy and stressed alot of the time. The pain and headache's from this is NOT worth it. I am so angry with myself because before I found out I was pregnant I thought I couldn't. I thought I would be having a hysterectomy within 2 years because of some rather serious "woman" problems with my ovaries and cervix. I was careless because I assumed I couldn't get pregnant. I love my kids, but would have NEVER been so careless if I knew I could get pregnant. My number one regret, is ever getting involved with a man who has kids already! This situation has ruined my life! You are still young and could have a fresh start. For that, I am very envious!


LEAVE HIM!!! Get that marriage annulled and find a better man to share your life with!

Wow, I'm so sorry. I'd tell myself, "Hey it could be worse." And that definitely is. You poor woman! I am wondering what you ended up doing. Hope it all worked out, and that you're happy.

Bellhavens, this post was awhile ago so just wondering how things worked out? I found out a year into dating my ex-bf that he had knocked up the girl he'd been sleeping with (not really a gf), about a week before we met. We met Sept. 2011, his daughter was born May 2012, and he told me August 2012 after DNA test came back positive. SO almost a full year of being with him, and risking getting pregnant with him all the while not knowing he had a baby on the way (his BM said it could be some other guys, so that was his excuse for not telling me sooner). We had been talking about moving in together, I had even been thinking of bringing up the topic of kids (we are both in our 30's, work professional jobs and, I had thought, childless), then he dropped that bomb. He ended up fighting for visitation and having to pay support, and after a few family events where BM would show up (e.g. his brother's wedding), I couldnt take it and had to leave. Not the life I wanted. I wonder if you have made the same choice.

hi I just read your story. I would like to know how's it going now. The good the bad? Thx

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In a way you are right, I live with my boyfriend he has a little 5 year old boy whom calls me mommy. The boy or baby as he and his ex call him lives with his mom. We have had our share of baby mama drama, I was pregnant we were excited, she stopped letting us see his son because she was jealous, put me under so much stress I had the worst pregnancy I felt alone and this resulted in a stillbirth of my precious Elizabeth Hazel, and because he has a baby still, but his little boy he can't be too sad or is as sad as I am about loosing our daughter. Watching him play with his son laughing and things only a week later really hurt, but what hurts the most was when I asked him 5 months into my pregnancy if he was going to feel the same about our daughter, and his answer was "I don't know, I I hope so, no one will ever take my sons place because he was my first but I think I'll love her a lot too" let me tell you that it's not enough for me, or for my baby, she was my first born and I had waited till I was 29 to have a baby. You will always wonder if he loves you more than he loved his ex, if he will love children that you bare as much as he loves his first, the questions will always be there even if you are confident that he lives you and your children it comes down to the amount of love and attention and if it's enough. Right now I think that what bothers me the most is that his son sleeps between us in our bed on the weekends the only time we really have to spend together. Think about it, my fiance is wonderful he really is, but are you willing to overlook something this major that sooner or later will cause friction between you both. I thought I could handle it, but i was wrong.

Oh and to those with kids who'll right nasty comments to the poor lady on here thats suffering because of her mans bad are the selfish ones. Why would you wont a Step anything for your kids- cause you can't do the job then want to hod wink some poor, loving kind hearted women - it's sad. Raise your oh dam kids - believe anyone would rather be single than deal with your crap so happy single parent dating!

Ladies please, please, don't just walk!! I’ve just come out of another ‘Man with baggage’ relationship –Never again will I put myself through this.
I am talking from experience. I am 30+, attractive, professional woman on a positive path and working hard to get a good solid career behind me so I never have to rely on a man. Life is challenging and I've made it through so many tricky situations and come so far that I can't believe that I would ever 'settle' for this type of 2nd best situation! But I did I ignored my gut, because he was 'a nice guy'. I don't have kids but do want them some day. In fact I have now dated 3 guys with kids over the never works. And until I lived with the guy and his kids I didn't know why - because I really like kids. But when you're living with someone else’s it's a whole different story. Let me just say that I have soooo much respect for any man that faces up to his responsibilities. That is what they should, as Dad’s do. But they should also be realistic about the type of women they can now get with. The trouble was my ex did tell me he wanted his kids to live with him, but it wasn’t ‘real’ until it happened and I just had to sit back and be 2nd best or get out.
It’s the worst feeling ever, for a woman to be told time and time again I can’t do this or that because I have the kids. Grrrr.
None of the guy’s (in my experience) was able to manage things properly-either lack of time, money, or mental patience cause their so tired from the kids an all their drama. They would cancel dates, not have money to spend on you or make it down right clear about all the lovely plans they have with their kids – and you can either tag along or get out. It’s such a shame because I get it, I get what they’re trying to do –BUT it DOESN’T work.
MEN- Your woman will always feel 2nd best and that’s not fair. Single dads should date single mums or not at all.
I had to put up with hearing – “I’m taking the kids to Israel this year so don’t have money for our holiday!” What.... really?
“I can’t see you this weekend cause the kids are sick”- and so on so on.
Ladies the worst part is if you say to anyone –this isn’t right I wont to be number 1 in my mans life –your made to feel like the worst person in the world cause he’s just doing right by his kids. Which he is BUT ,,,HE made this mistake, not you and your being told to put up or shut up! How dare they not realise that actually they’re no longer as desirable as they once were they’re now a man with baggage. They no longer the hot guy that everyone wants to be with. Lets be honest they’ve probably lost their looks now their older, the finances have now taken a battering cause they have to provide and not many women will put up with ‘baby moma’ crap

I read on another site about this and a lady (lets call her J) said: It’s usually women with low self esteem, single moms, or ones that haven’t yet caught on how BAD this situation will be. Well let me tell you I WAS that woman – the one who thought ‘kids are lovely’ how bad can this be –WRONG. Even if the kids are well behaved as all the ones I met were, you will STILL resent it. Believe me now you WILL no matter how hard you fight it. When you romantic evening is being interrupted by the kids or worst the kids mom! Those feeling will crop up no matter how much you love him.
Please never listen to anyone that’s puts you down because you smart enough to say – actually didn’t weren’t stupid enough to get preggers so why do I have to deal with this....YOU DON’T unless you choose to.

Funny thing is I have traditional homely values – I love looking after my man, family values are so dear to me, but I want that to be my family. You cannot create your family with some baby moma hanging around and dictating your schedule. Even if they have a good relationship as friends it’s too fractured and eventually cracks will show.
I’ll cook clean etc. And I expect to be looked after in return. But men have seemed to add their kids to this. So not only are you doing their washing, cooking cleaning but their kids. Who are usually highly ungrateful. I now come to realise that I have just been too nice to these guys with kids. From this point on I’ll be true to myself and put myself first. It’s okay to say actually I’m a good woman who knows how to treat her man, so yeah I want my man to take ME on vacations, spend money and time on me, have me as his main focus.

I do somewhat agree with what J said that low self esteem plays a big part and if your in that situation you maybe thinking I’m a strong woman, I don’t feel threatened by their prev’ relationship, I don’t have low self esteem, I just love him. I know this because I felt it too. Believe me now just take some time out – without him in your ear promising the world to make up for his crap and you’ll see things clearly. Also beware of the man who didn’t even commit Marriage to the mother of his kids – it screams bad judgement on his part. Or who says ‘I stayed for the baby’ and try and work it out – this isn’t as noble as it sounds. Why would you stay in something your not happy in? Surely you’d be big enough to admit that it wont work – no many men stay around cause it’s convenient to THEM. Look at things closer. Would he have been homeless if he left her? Di HE have such low self esteem that he couldn’t make proper arrangements or not have the guts to admit actually I still have feelings for her. Was he just ‘having his cake and eating it’?
If you still going to stick with Mr Dad know this; you’ll never come first no matter what crap he says, his time money and prob’ yours will be spent on the kids, you , not them will be made to feel like an outsider and you’ll have to make all the sacrifices.
If you’re looking at the celeb’s or someone you know and thinking, so and so is a Stepmom and they’re okay, right? Wrong, she has put up and shut up and for what ever reason thinks she can’t do better. Some men will really do a number on you, get into your head with promises of happy ever after, he loves you so much, you’ll always come first and even worst the one excuse everyone seems to make ‘ oh well I’ve seen him with his kids and he’s a good Dad to them so he’ll be a good Dad to mine’. Don’t be Baby moma number 2 ! That’s even worst cause now he can leave you with a kid. Do you really wana be like “her”.
In the end we’re all free to CHOOSE as we wish – make no mistake he should thank his lucky stars that you’ve chosen him.....but my bet is he wont and it wont be long before the resentment creeps in. I wish you ladies love and luck on your journey – there good are guy’s with no kids btw. Mr Dads – no offense as I’m sure your trying so hard to be good Dads just don’t forget to put yourselves in the shoes of your woman, it’s soooo not easy and if she is staying with you – your extremely blessed. Thank you.

huni77 -- you sound like me in a parallel universe. the me version of not choosing this life of blended family ****.

don't get me wrong, ladies, my man is amazing, life is great. but that tiny fracture called "blended family," it's a pain and a constant strain to our "strong" marriage.

if you're a single woman and can still NOT choose a life with a man with kids, make the right decision. don't do it.

with much love,

Part of me wishes I would have seen these posts before I was a step parent but I now have the most precious twin girls that make it worth it and one of the biggest reasons I stay.. I am very good at hiding my low self esteem and I saw all the warning signs. The day we got engaged was even postponed bc he had to keep my step kids an xtra day . At the time I was not allowed to spend time with him and the kids so u truly didn't understand what I was getting myself into. I love my husband so much but am constantly questioning whether I am cut out to be a stepmom. I am made to feel like being a stepparent is all about giving and not receiving respect in return. The remarks are " they do that to me too!" We'll I don't feel it is acceptable either way so it makes me question how we going to do raising our girls. He also says that the dads are usually laid back while the moms are the ones who are supposed to be upset about this and that. Sorry ranting bc we had another "talk" bout it last nite. But as he says, it's been how long since the last time? I don't care! It keeps happening and the feelings never go away

I had a friend who warned me about dating and marrying a man with kids. What did I know? I wish I had listened. All my money goes to support his kids, his kids who think that we "have" money. We don't. His one daugher who completely disowned both of us because she was not going to school (college) and so we had her emancipated. She took emancipation from his money as disownment. It isn't. She has not called nor spoken to him in over a year and with Christmas coming I'm supposed to pull a diamond out of my *** and pay to give her Christmas presents? NO, I don't think so. I don't even know her address. Ok, well I actually do. She moved down the street, but yet has not told us nor forwarded an address to us. The only reason I know her addy is because a piece of mail was misdelivered here for her, but it had her address on it. Then there is the other one, E, who plays these games with her father and he gets all bent and twisted. Seriously, it's stupid. She thinks I am the monster because I don't take her bulls*it and lies. She can tell everyone else straight up, but when you call out her BS it's never HER fault. Whatever. I asked for a Christmas list for months and got nothing, so I went and got a couple of items. If she comes to get them, fine. If not, oh well, I have reciepts and I will return them.

I'm tired of kids who think and have this self important expectation that I am supposed to fill in where their deadbeat mothers are. RIDICULOUS!

I cannot tell you how many times I wish I had headed the advice of my friend who told me not to marry a man with kids. I wish I had listened.

bless you, its true.i yearn for a simple, one unit.

I'm dating a man with a young son who is out of control, foul mouthed, & inappropriate.
Reading these posts scare the Hell out of me.
I love my bf but hate the child's behavior & am unsure if it'll change.
I have a teen daughter who is respectful, well mannered, & does what is told.
I didn't put up with BS from my kid. I won't put up with someone else's.

Before I met my husband, I had never dated anyone who had kids and said I never would. I wish I had stuck to that. (Although now we have 2 beautiful angels, so I can't TRULY wish is never married him.) But if it were not for them, I would wish more than anything that I'd never made this horrible mistake. His son was 8 when we met...over-indulged, lazy, spoiled rotten brat. He waited on him hand and foot (and still does! The kid is 13 now.) There was NOTHING that kid did for himself. My husband would literally get down on his knees and put that lazy brat's shoes on FOR him! I mean, ANYTHING you can think of, his dad did/does it FOR him. That kid has never lifted a finger to do ANYTHING for himself and still doesn't. Before we got married, I tried to break it off, explaining that this was never going to work, because his kid was spoiled, lazy and ALWAYS around and we would NEVER have a life that was our own. I straight up told him that I didn't like that kid, didn't want to deal with his crazy criminal ex-wife and that at the very best case scenario would be that I MIGHT learn to accept that kid, but that I'd never be happy he existed and would always wish he'd never had that kid. Not much grey area there. He convinced me that things would change. They never did. EVERYTHING has always been about THAT kid, and still is. Even at the expense of our own children. THAT kid comes first. On weekends, my husband's only time off from work is spent 100% with ONLY THAT kid. He completely ignores his other 2 children (OUR children) and ONLY spends time with THAT kid. The list of things that have gone on in the last 5 years is far too much to write, but includes COUNTLESS and constant arguing about that kid, restraining orders against his ex-wife, he steals our children's Christmas and birthday money and buys things for THAT kid with it (despicable!) and a miserable marriage from the beginning, because it has NEVER been just US. It's always been "us" plus someone else's kid. Our children virtually have no father because he only seems to care about the mistake he made with his first wife. It breaks my heart for them and infuriates me beyond measue. Who does that??!!!! Who just chooses ONE of their children to be a father to and ignores the others??!!!! I am stuck, unable to divorce and take MY children because sharing custody of them is out of the question. They would not be safe alone with him. They are 1 and 3 and requires a lot of time and attention. Time and attention he cannot and will not give hem because he's too busy worshipping that brat. Anything that kid wants, he gets. A couple weekends ago, my daughter went downstairs to try to see her father and a found her playing outside all by herself! She's THREE! Thank God she didn't get kidnapped or hit by a car! He was too busy with that mistake of his to pay attention to her and he had irresponsibly left the door open, so she went outside. I was LIVID! If anyone is thinking about marrying a man with children, please save yourself an indescribable amount of stress and strain and pain and RUN AWAY! In fact, run as soon as you know they have children. Don't even bother getting involved in the first place. It is as horrible as everyone here has stated, and then some!

Omg run as fast as you can !!

I totally agree 100%! I married a man with a 3 year old daughter thinking that I could handle it. Boy was I wrong. I was wrong about thinking that I could handle being a stepmom and thinking that my husband was telling me the truth when he agreed that he would put our marriage first since having a strong marriage is one of the foundations for having a stable family. I've been married nearly 4 months to a man who I have since discovered is obsessed with his daughter and spoils her a lot more than I had originally thought. It turns out that he also lied about quitting smoking, has Adult ADD that he won't get treatment for, and is addicted to ****. I admit I was duped. So now I'm stuck with one of the most bratty, hyper active toddlers I have ever known, a husband who has lied to me about so many issues, not to mention a crazy BM who will always be apart of our lives like a shadow of darkness. If I could do it over again I would never have married him. The misery of this situation is just too difficult and painful to deal with.

If you are unhappy and having doubts NOW, they will only increase 100x over after you are married. It's hard enough just to make a marriage work, much less the addition of another family.... because it is another family... his life will always include another wife and children seperate from anything you may have.

its true but i dont want to admit it.

Lizley Lizley Lizley DONT EVENT THINK ABOUT IT....DONT RUIN YOUR LIFE! it will hurt a bit cuz you love him now, but if you live with him it will hurt every day...there will be some few nice weekends here and there, but even those will be at stake if the kids want this or need that... DONT DONT DONT....

i totally agree..i did the same mistake. You end up feeling like an accessory in his life, you will always come last, you will always feel guilty of you need more time with him or if you think of planning a holiday with him, you will always feel bad if you want his care or attention, cuz the kids come first.<br />
I hate this and I hate that they love me too, you are so right! I am watching years of my life go past longing for being loved the way I should have been if I had a normal relationship… in addition to that you will never be able to get rid of “her” … you will never be as important as the Mom for as long as the kids are close to her… you will feel at days that you are just there for his pleasure or his comfort and support…and when you demand the care and love you need it will be too stressful and you might even be blamed for being unsupportive… you will lonely in his arms and an alien in his thoughts, you will always be expected to understand and compromise and compromise…I remember once I said : I wish I travel and see the world with you and I got the answer that would freak any woman out specially in her thirties…I was told bluntly: Of course honey we will be able to that…IN !£ YEARS!!!!! So I answered…I will be lucky to move by then not travel the world…<br />
DON’T EVER DO THAT MISTAKE…if he has kids that are not yours…RUN AWAY….or watch years of your life run away from you…

you should remain single, it will make you more happier.. and travel the world yourself instead of waiting for a prince charming at your age

well of course you are not first.. his responsibility is to his young children.. <br />
I am glad you realize this greediness in you, that way, you won't marry him<br />
and he will find a woman with a good heart<br />
there are some awesome step mom's out there, he just needs to wait a little<br />
longer to find one..<br />
happy single life again!

Obviously you have no respect for yourself and your needs. good luck to you and your happiness.

It's so fantastic to find people who understand such a difficult situation. Everybody always tells me that the problem it's that you've not enough patience and that you're being selfish because I find it so hard to be always put's true what you all say: the kids will always be first. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but what about me?? I don't have any children of my own and my husband doesn't want more children, so I'll always be living a life thah's not my least that's how I feel.

Hei. Im exactly in same situation. He has 2 kids and do not want to have anymore. I dont have any of my own. I feel like Im not living a life.

I am a stepmom of two very disrespectful teenagers. The girl is nearly 17 and the boy is 13. they live with the mother and visit us in the holidays. The hate me and I do not have a close relationship with them. They are jealous of their half brother (3) and half sister (16Mnths). But I have never felt lonely or pushed away. There are rules to follow at our house and hubby and I are always a united front. They often dont want me to be a part of activities with their dad but he tells them that we are married and if they dont want me to be a part of their lives then they must leave. I am not saying it is easy. The kids have no personal hygiene. They will not bath or brush theit teeth for weeks if they are not told to, sit with dirty feet on the couch and table, will wake the little ones from their naps and eat with no regard as to whether others still need to eat. My stepdaughter is a size 50 and weighs about 150kg and my step son weighs about 80kg. I hate holidays but I knew my husband had children and marriage it for better or worse and as much as he loves them he tells them if they dont want to see me they just dont have to visit us . It is their choice but he married me and not them. It all depends on the man. not on the children. If he cannot make you feel part of the family DO NOT MARRY. If he can go for it!!!!!!!!!! PS Do not let your overweight stepkids sleep ion your beds if they visit. We just bought a bed for our son with my step daughter sleeping on it it needs to be replaced. From Now its Mattresses only

I agree and don' t agree for thefairness. Of course if a man wants you with your kids then he would face the same thing. Kids are important. On the other hand, it depends what you want from the man with kids. You got to be reasonable and see the reality. If you want him to be like a teen boy then I am sorry you got to grow up. Love last long when we see the reality and maturity. If you like yourself and self-centered, I am sorry to say that you got know yourself first. All you want is you and your feelings, desires and things. Nothing else. Sorry it does not work like that. You are bound to lose all the time if you are in this state. Best wishes.

Wow!! Reading all of these comments, i really feel like ive found some kindred spirits. I have been with my bf for a year, he has a three yr old son from his first marriage and he lives with his birth mum but spends 3 days out of every 10 with us. I have to admit, its hard. His son is at an age where he acts up and is naughty and answers back to both of us all the time. The days when he is with us are very hard. My poor bf tries very hard to discipline his son, but he hates making him cry or ruining the day by telling him off. His son is quite a rough boy, pulls my hair and kicks me....kicks my husband too. He tries to pretend hes playing....but i know better. The real mum seems ok...ive not met her yet, although we have emailed a couple of times, just generic practical stuff. I love my bf so much, i really feel for him and what makes it worse is that i probably cant have children of my own due to a health ill never be able to know the feeling of having my own child. Sonetimes i want to run for the hills....but i still here x

very true! I would love to go back in time and tell myself....DON"T DO IT!

I'M im a relationship now where I HATE his kids it's sad but I do. His oldest which he adopted is the ONE I hate the most she is very disrespectful,conniving, ****. I have kids also and thats the sad part about it I would have hate to think if someone felt like that about my kids but if they were like this child I may understand that person so to anyone out there reading this if you are with a man who has a child over the age of 9 I say RUN RUN don't get involed,

Too late darling wish I saw this post few yrs back am dead here

I'm dead too. whats your story?

Wow... this is sooo true. I don't want to be number 2.

I couldn't agree more. I am married to a widower that has only one daughter. He is overly protective when it comes to her. For example, whenever he & I start raising voice @ each other, if her daughter is there, he would immediately stop any conversation & turns to tell her "i'm sorry baby, that you have to see this." He has not once told me that he can live fairly well by himself (without me), the only thing he cares about is his daughter... It has been 5 years, I treated his daughter as my own ( i don't have children myself as I am only 25, I met him right after graduating from college). she is always on her dad's side. Even when she saw me crying my heart out after he & I fought, she never says a thing. Instead she goes to sit with her dad, they will talk & laugh for hours, then watching tv until 12 midnight, like nothing has ever happened, like i never existed In their life! I never felt so lonely and helpless...<br />
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Don't get me wrong, he is a good person, I can see sometimes he tries hard to make me feel like I am not left alone. Despite all the effort, I still feel lonely, sad, frustrated most of the time. Deep down, you know she is this man's child, she will always be he most important one to him.

Leave that man he is not man enough

I often battle with .. is it selfishness that I am resentful, depressed because I do not how to truly Love (isn't it giving part of yourself away with not expecting anything in return)? or do I really resent being a stepmother. Mothers day rolls around and the kids make a comment. Father's day rolls around all they talk about is what gifts they want to buy for him. As for discipline, my husband and I feud on a weekly basis. He is not consistent and I see every effort of manipulation coming from the oldest stepson. Even when he is trying to be nice, there is a cocky tone. The kid makes minimum wage, but feels entitled to purchase $30-$40 t shirts and $100 headsets. He walks around like his **** doesn't stink. I can't even stand being around him anymore. He has gotten the manipulation down pat! I wonder how far it will take him in life!

Hello all, I wish I would have found all of you sooner! My bf an I have been together 7 years and he has two boys from his previous marriage. Both boys are great kids, polite, respectful, really helpfull around the farm ... The problem is I don't want kids!! Never did! They used to live with their closet alcoholic mother...until her whole family told us what was actually going now they live with us...I like them but I still don't want to live with them...they're 13 and 16 and as I kept reading all of this I could finally relate to someone! What happens when they get married and have kids? I don't want his kids kids!!! I love him to no end ... But I love me too and I'm completely lonely as its always me and the two boys. We own a business together and he often ends up home late...after the gym. I am sick of being last to him...feels like I have a roommate ... He's gone by 5:30am back around 9pm and weekends come around and it's whatever he wants to do ... I agree with everyone! RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!!

under the perfect circumstances it could have worked with my recent ex. but therre were things in the relationship that made working around him having kids hard.<br />
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He was very neglectful towards me. Absent. his kids were not the easiest to handle and the moma drama was stressful too.<br />
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I guess i was naive thinking I could be like my parents because i was a stepchild. though, unlike them i have no children.<br />
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Never again will i date someone with children. I still want my own kids though, natural or adopted.<br />
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I feel your pain. and wish people would stop bashing those who have experienced the difficulty in this type of relationship

It is possible to be happy with a man that has children, but only if he puts your marriage first. It is unhealthy for the children to be given privileges that are above yours. If he doesn't require the children to respect you and his marriage, everyone will be miserable (but especially you). <br />
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I love my stepchildren because they are part of my husband, but that is the only reason. They are his responsibility, and we are partners, so I help shoulder the load. However, that "shouldering" comes to a screeching halt when I am shown any disrespect from him or the kids. I am crazy in love with my husband, and he loves me even more. It is still very difficult.<br />
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You must be vigilant. Men can easily compartmentalize or ignore bad behavior. If you want a peaceful, respectful household, you have to be ready to fight for it! Almost every day. Scratch that. EVERY DAY.

I like this post. I agree with what you say. I too love my stepchild because he is a part of my husband. I love my husband and remain in the relationship because of my religious convictions as well. However, some days I am very torn!!

I have known my stepson since he was 2 years old and saw him a few times before I married his father because his mom moved out of state (far away). He is now 15 and has been living with us full-time for two years now. This is the part I hate!!! I was happy and things were great when we had him for some holidays and the summers. It is a totally different thing now. I look forward to him going back to his mom for the summers which are only 8 weeks max a year. I was naive when I got married thinking he would never live with us. When I heard that he would live with us full time, I tried to convince my husband that it would be better that he live with his mom because I knew emotionally we had not connected and every-time I discussed issues with him about his son he seemed defensive, those were our only arguments!! He wanted to be a full time dad to make up for the years he was not able to do that. My husband's parents were divorced and he had some sorry male figures in his life, so he wanted to make up for that in his son. By the way, nothing is wrong with the bio mom, she just can't stay married...(3 kids, 3 fathers, and 4 marriages) already.

I tried to tell him he does not need to have his child live with him to be a super dad. I also hoped we could do this for a year or two but not the remaining years of his son's education. He decided to go forward no matter what I said. So, now I am not happy and try daily to be happy with this.

My stepson and I have never connected emotionally. My mother-in-law made it worst by showing favoritism, but she is not around much anymore! My husband realized that she was a annoying around us/me. I deal with my stepson but look forward to the day he goes off to college. I still have no emotional connection to this child however, I am protective of him and do my motherly duties to provide for different than babysitting some other person kid.

Getting through the day to day does take vigilance as you said. The love I have for my husband is why I am still here. BTW we have three other kids, boys, 22, 7, 10. the oldest is my husband's stepson. He is a great step-dad. :-)

I could say the same thing, I wish I had found this site before I got involved with a man with children and a crazy ex. This is my first marriage, and I have no children. But you don't know how it's going to be until you are in the situation. My husband used to guilt parent and wait on his children hand and foot, all the while they would call him "stupid" and say things like "shutup, I hate you." We have been married almost two years now, and things have gotten better! Not great or perfect, but better.The difference has been my husband, although he still make mistakes, he supports my rules in the household. The children are still disrespectful at times, but he corrects them now, saying "do not speak to me like that." They still don't do a great job at picking up after themselves, but it's better. And by the way, my rules are, first, we are all to treat each other with love and respect, and second, pick up after yourself (shoes, put your own dish in the dishwasher, etc.). <br />
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It is still very difficult to be a stepmother. Most of the time, I do hate it. It is mostly because of the exwife, she manipulates the children. I have decided to take the advice of another member here. Every time the exwife starts to control your thoughts, willfully concentrate on something else. It's not worth it. She is trying to make your life hell. <br />
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My best piece of advice is the marriage comes first. The children are not on the same level as you, yes you, the new wife, even though "they were here first." And no, there is nothing wrong with that. It does not mean that you drop everything on the whim of your partner, the children still need caring for. But they do not set the rules in the house. You do. I had reached the point of telling my husband maybe we should separate until the children were grown (they are 13 and 15). He got the point pretty quickly. You MUST be firm with the children and him. You have the right to run your household with peace and harmony. You are the adult, you are in charge. Everyone in the household, including you, has the basic human right to be treated with respect and dignity.

Hello everyone I just signed up today after I googled, "my step son is so annoying" I am engaged to my lovely man. We have been together for 3 years. We are getting married this year in august 2012. But I hate his son. Who is 6 going on 7 When I look at him he just makes me feel annoyed. More so BC he looks like his mother. I recently purchased a 3 bedroom home and I gave him one room. I clean the whole house but i leave his room for his dad or him to clean. His dad always say "why dont you clean his room," his dad also sees how happy and loving iam with my nieces and nephews but i just dont show him that love. His dad works late so I have to pick him up from school help him with his homework and do " motherly" task that I don't like doing right after i get out of work. I work with children and i see them all day so when i get home i really dont feel like contiuning with the homework and all that babysitting BS. What makes him more annoying is that he acts clueless to everything. I struggle with him everyday to do homework that he doesn't understand b/c I think he has a learning disability. I explained it to his dad and he tells me. Stop bothering the boy. You are always bothering him. Everything I tell him he blames it on my actions. He never talks or try to help out his son. B4 they moved in my life was not timed and evolve around him, I have to always rush home cause I have to deal with him. One time i caught his mother hanging around while I was taking him out to get something to eat. She was just hanging and I felt frustrated because I'm suppose to be lounging and enjoying my time off but I'm trapped with her son. Which she doesn't have custody over b/c of her bad parenting. <br />
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I just feel horrible cause every time his dad turns around I just give him a disgusted face. Sometimes I just wish he could disappear. He is a good kid he doesn't disrespect me nor act up in the house. I just hate the fact that he has a living and well mother and I have to deal with him and raise him, the wedding is coming up soon and Im not sure if I want to go through with it because of the anger I have towards this little boy that doesn't really do much to me. His mother didn't even give him Xmas present I had to buy him everything. And on top of it he still loves more than ever when ever he does see her. So I say why should I put in so much cause at the end of the day he only thinks of his deadbeat mother. Sometimes I say why should I show him so much love when all these pole around him love him. I don't no I really need a therapy session . Ahhhhh help me.

Im 22 years old & with a guy who has a 1 year old baby...its been very difficult for me to except this because i know our relationship will never be the same...we were together before she came along but i thought i could handle it. Now i feel pushed aside and alone...everything we do revolves around the baby...i don't have any kids so i hate the fact that we can't do certain things or make certain plans if he has the baby. Not only that but he also pays child support and honestly couldn't support us if he wanted to at the really sux cuz im super independent...and I've got a whole life planned that i feel like if i stay with him will have to be put on hold...:(..he kind of tries to force the baby on me too and all it does is push me farther frustrated because i love him but i wish we didn't have this going on....i even feel guilty for not excepting it entirely...

Im 22 years old & with a guy who has a 1 year old baby...its been very difficult for me to except this because i know our relationship will never be the same...we were together before she came along but i thought i could handle it. Now i feel pushed aside and alone...everything we do revolves around the baby...i don't have any kids so i hate the fact that we can't do certain things or make certain plans if he has the baby. Not only that but he also pays child support and honestly couldn't support us if he wanted to at the really sux cuz im super independent...and I've got a whole life planned that i feel like if i stay with him will have to be put on hold...:(..he kind of tries to force the baby on me too and all it does is push me farther frustrated because i love him but i wish we didn't have this going on....i even feel guilty for not excepting it entirely...

I'm with my boyfriend of 3years in when I first got with him I knew he had a 3 year old son I really didn't want to be with him because of his son but his ex wife moved out of state with the son so I said great.. so a year later we had a daughter in I thought everything would be good.. his son can come visit him in that would be fine with me.. but no! What happened next really made me mad now his son is living with us because his mom can't take care of him in she had another child in can't take care of that one either. I don't want to be sailfish but this is not what I want I knew he had a son in that he would have to come visit his dad.. but I wasn't ready for him to live with us now I got a kid by him in I don't want to take her away from her dad because I don't want to have to take care of her brother.. why did I do this to myself I knew I didn't want to be with a man who had kids in I did it anyways because I love him I just don't want to have to take care of his son when I have a one year old that I have to take care of... I thought I was I only one who felt this way but I'm alil different because I have a kid now in I just don't know what to do I want to be happy but that would mean I have to leave him cause this is to much for me its always about his son in we don't have alone time at all now.. my daughter goes to my parents house but his son is always with us so I don't even get a break when my child is gone his son is always with us I need some help in what I should do.

Very True! I am experiencing this same feeling myself. I've been married for six months to a wonderful man who I love dearly and has two children that live with us full time. However, there is no "us" or special nights/ weekends away. I do find myself extremely resentful and go through bouts of "why did I do this" and "what was I thinking" and extreme guilt for feeling that way. I'm just glad to know that there are others like myself.

Wow! Great comments and insight. I'm 33 Never Married, No Children. Little brother was born when I was 18 and I started college at 21, finished about 25, never found the right guy to have kids/marriage with. I've dated a few men with kids but this was back before I went through 3 years of therapy for being co-dependent. I've learned a lot from my therapist about healthy helping and not feeling so obligated. Five years ago I was ready to jump right in, and handle whatever for the children. This is not so anymore. I have a life - I run two businesses and am a very busy professional person. I was the one that put the career first.<br />
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My boyfriend has two girls 8 and 10. For the most part they are well behaved but extremely noisy - I chalk that up to them being so close in age. They play and scream alot. I live in a small home in the country and he has them every other weekend. (He moved in with me several months ago) I have cut off all contact with the mother because she got pissed off because I wouldn't drive 70 miles to where she lives to pick up HIS AND HER kids because she chose to marry and ex convict for her third marriage and he is out of work and she is BROKE. My response was, "Those are not my kids and you are not my ex wife." Sad but true.<br />
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We are not married so I am NOT a formal step mother yet. But I can tell you this - I do not want to be. I'm not up for it. He wants to buy them all this stuff for christmas to keep here. I already play hell keeping my house clutter free because it is small. I have one dog and that's the only "kid" I need. Never again. Going forward I will be screening and if they have kids - they will NOT move in until they are grown. We got into an argument this morning because I told one of the girls to ask her daddy what he wanted her to do with the whole pop tart she did not eat. I don't have time for this BS.

You are right on the money.. I could have wrote that :(

So right! and 3rdwife I completely agree with you too. I'm always labeled the bad guy because I'm the only one who cares enough about my SS to teach him the right way (which includes disciplining) So sick of it.

This is the first post for me, but it's so true!! I wish I had listened to people when they said RUN!! I hate my stepdaughter to the depths of my being! She is the most manipulative psychopath I have ever been around. Even my mother in law told me she was a nightmare when I 1st started dating him. Ugh, now I'm trapped with them for The rest of my husbands life! The worst past is they live with us full time because his ex wife is such a loser she can't take care off them. This is no life for anyone to have to endure. I feel so sorry for any of you in the same situation.

I'v just started reading all these comments :( it's very sad as I am in a new situation just started dating a guy who has kids from a previous messed up relationship. His ex is a nutcase who has done horrible things. They split up three years ago and now all of a sudden she wants him back because he has met me. She is constantly ringing now and threatening that he can't have his kids on weekends or around me or anyone else. Part of me thinks is it worth the hassle but the other side thinks why should I let her ruin things . It's very confusing and I don't know what to do .

Muser, I see you don't have any of your own stories. So you must be one of the bitter ex-wives who blame the SM for everything. Don't judge until you've walked in the shoes. Until you have, you have absolutely NO clue.<br />
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Perhaps if I had read this, I would have thought twice about marrying a man who has custody of two teens. Everyone tried to tell me how hard it is. I've come to the conclusion that I'm infringing on their already habit-filled lives. Habits that were OK before but are not now. Habits that are different from my own. Don't get me wrong, understanding this does not make it any easier. I am miserable.

I super agree. Agree agree agree. I don't care how big of a heart you have, it is not worth it. Don't even go on that first date. There are rare men who know what they're doing when it comes to dating and kids, but they are few and far between. There is no balance.

I super agree. Agree agree agree. I don't care how big of a heart you have, it is not worth it. Don't even go on that first date. There are rare men who know what they're doing when it comes to dating and kids, but they are few and far between. There is no balance.

Very well said!

Was in love with a man who has 4 kids...2 of them in 20's and out of house by 1st wife, then 2 others, 10 and 13 by two other women ...I was married 15 years and no children...I thought I could handle spending every other weekend of my life with his youngest child ( he doesnt often see the other daughter 13)...but even just that much turned into MAJOR resentment for me due to the fact that my freedom and choices would be sacrificed for a man who couldn't keep it in his pants with two other women who he claims lied about being on birth control and not being able to get pregnant...I have since wised up and realized even with his oldest getting will ALWAYS be for the wedding...braces...babysitting their kids once they get older...UGH...i just cant and wont subject myself to living a limited life when I wasnt the one who made those choices...he resents my freedom and hates when I am not around him and is very possessive...I am SICK of it all...I dumped him and I plan on having NO CONTACT

hey, I am in the same situ myself. I love my bf and I know he wants us to get married, we are living apart at the moment. <br />
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He has 2 kids 3 and 5 from a previous relationship which broke down about a year and a half ago. His ex is a loser, totally selfish and he has the kids a lot of the time cos she is inept at motherhood to say the least. <br />
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When we move in together we will have the kids week on week off basis. He assures me that when we move in together he will have all the time for me that I need and that i wont feel like an outsider all the time wondering when its my turn to get some time/love/attention as his kids come first all the time at the mo. If he is talking with me on the phone and his kids call from their mothers he will drop my call and go answer their call... this infuriates me as he says i am as important as the kids are but I really feel its all lip service.<br />
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I dont know what to do as I do love him but will moving in with him, quitting my job and leaving all my friends and family behind be worth it? I feel he is not having to change anything and Im making all the sacrifices.<br />
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He is a wonderful father and I know he loves me to death... is love enough tho?


I just joined this group and it is so comforting to know I am not alone! I don't know what I'm going to do...engaged to a wonderful man but don't want to be a step-parent. I need to get out....but I love him. :( <br />
I have to do whats best in the long run though if I want to keep my sanity...right?

RUN!!!! I wish I would have.

I have a stepson as well and I really hate every other weekend. He is lazy sits in front of the tv from the time he wakes til the time he goes to bed and then has to take naps. (hes 14) he is grossly obese and always gives me dirty looks. I sometimes regret getting married to someone with kids and most of the time I try to stay away from the kid because I really wish he wasnt around. He is really a waste of space he has no interests in anything he is a glutton and his dad and bm allow him to drink 2 liters of coke all the time. I dont allow my children to drink pop and hes not allowed when hes here but he will sneak it in his back pack. The only time he gets off his lard butt is to eat evenif he has just eaten a full meal he will always take any snack my husband gives him. I am completely miserable being a step mom i had no idea I would never have any good feelings toward him ever and it gets worse and worse as time goes on. I cant believe his parents allow him to become that fat and lazy he does not even know how to ride a bike or swim at 14!! because his mom and my hubby concieved him on a one night stand and neither wanted him and the mom tried to use him to get my hubby to be her boyfriend so he moved far away from her and the kid and didnt see him until he was 6. The has sat him in front of the tv with chips and pop for the last 10 years to get him outta her hair once she realized he wasnt gonna work as a trap to get a man she had no use for the kid. He doesnt brush his teeth or floss he has to be told to shower and he plays video games constantly and doesnt even read a book. Hes sneaky and acts totally different when his dads around than he does when hes not and if his dad is not home when hes here the kid will sleep til 3 or 4 in the afternoon. Its sickening and i wont allow my children to be like that.

I have paid 4 years time and all of my money to find out what you said is so true. my partner got 2 kids (boy8 & girl6), I have done every thing for them including purchased a house for their sake, my partner moved in to my house with his kids and told them its his, so they can do what ever they want here, he made home loan to support his ex to buy a new luxury home, now every day complain my house is very uncomfortable for them, through they don’t move out!! You ask me: do you lost your mind?... I think I did a mistake that most women could make - trust the beautiful words not the action from the man you fallen love with.... I got my own 2kids too, this 4 years I devoted myself to this man and his 2 kids, he and his family never treat my kids the same, they sais its too easy too love younger kids than older kids, when we met my boy was 9 and daughter was 13, they always looked up and respected my partner until he started to abusing me when his kids involved to our life.... its so true that : There is no room for you with a man with kids, even when he tries his hardest to do his best to keep you first, you never will be... I hope I have read this when I just met him. <br />
Now we have a 9 month baby son together, the situation is still the same, I have been lending him money for his business about half million dollars, he promised me to pay back but when he made money, they will all disappeared to the debates he made before, he said to me I’m the only woman he only one for him, in fact he is looking after his ex so well cus she’s the mother of his kids….. Too much to say.<br />
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He doesn't want to marry me because he believe it will upset his kids!<br />
I wish someone can help me to get rid of these people, they are sucking me and my children’s blood.

I hope you build up the courage to kick them out and leave him if you havent already. HE'S USING YOU!!!!! If he want marry bc of kids but is still there, why is he there? it is relationship between two people not two people and kids. he is using you, sorry to say

I have paid 4 years time and all of my money to find out what you said is so true. my partner got 2 kids (boy8 & girl6), I have done every thing for them including purchased a house for their sake, my partner moved in to my house with his kids and told them its his, so they can do what ever they want here, he made home loan to support his ex to buy a new luxury home, now every day complain my house is very uncomfortable for them, through they don’t move out!! You ask me: do you lost your mind?... I think I did a mistake that most women could make - trust the beautiful words not the action from the man you fallen love with.... I got my own 2kids too, this 4 years I devoted myself to this man and his 2 kids, he and his family never treat my kids the same, they sais its too easy too love younger kids than older kids, when we met my boy was 9 and daughter was 13, they always looked up and respected my partner until he started to abusing me when his kids involved to our life.... its so true that : There is no room for you with a man with kids, even when he tries his hardest to do his best to keep you first, you never will be... I hope I have read this when I just met him. <br />
Now we have a 9 month baby son together, the situation is still the same, I have been lending him money for his business about half million dollars, he promised me to pay back but when he made money, they will all disappeared to the debates he made before, he said to me I’m the only woman he only one for him, in fact he is looking after his ex so well cus she’s the mother of his kids….. Too much to say.<br />
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He doesn't want to marry me because he believe it will upset his kids!<br />
I wish someone can help me to get rid of these people, they are sucking me and my children’s blood.

Oh I can so agree on this one. Only, I was never warned. I can't have children so people said stuff like, "How wonderful! you will get the children you always wanted!" When I was dating my husband his children were sweet and respectful. Then we got married and they turned into regular teenagers. I don't know if they are so rotton because they are teens or because they are rotton. I so remember what life was like BC...before children. It was drama free and my decisions were my own. I love my husband but I sometimes I wish that I was single again.

I cried when i read this because I dont want it to be true,

well it go's both ways when the women has kids so i really dont agree with u gals and im a guy .us guys well just use you for one thing only and thats sex cause we dont want to take of someone elses rug rats so there. theres a slap in the face for you. so before you open your mouth think first what if i was a guy how would you feel about it.

I wish i knew what comment you were referring to. the writer is not saying a guys situation dating a woman with kids is any less. there are guys that dont want to get with someone with kids. its the same for women that dont have kids. its life. not like anyone is trying to be mean.

you can agree or disagree. people that have posted here are posting REAL events from their lives.