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Don't Get Involved With A Man With Kids

I got involved with a man about 5 years ago that has two children ages 10 and 14.  I was warned by everybody how hard it was. I told myself as long as I have my own life I would be able to handle it. The truth is, there is no room for you when it comes to dating a man with children. True, you will have moments together alone but everything you do will be revolved around his children. The children that you will have no emotional attachment to. What's even worse is that his children like me more than their own mother and I still hate being their soon to be stepmom. They are respectful and overall pretty good kids. But for my spouse's and I relationship, it never feels like ours. You need to accept that fact that you will be marrying him and his 1, 2, 3 , four or however many kids. You will be miserable.  You will yearn for a man with no kids. You will have regrets. You will feel lonely. You will feel pushed aside, even when he makes every attempt to put you first. You will be angry and resentful.  I don't recommend it. Always date someone with no children if possible. That way it will be your life together. Not his life and you just feel like your tagging along. There is no room for you with a man with kids,even when he tries his hardest to do his best to keep you first, you never will be. 

dfilbert dfilbert 36-40, F 78 Responses Oct 25, 2009

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I am a step mom and I totally agree with everything you said. It's true , I am angry and resentful. Take this woman's advice , date a person with no children or children that are grown and gone with their own lives. This is just to much. I want to quit this job!

I totally agree, I am a step mom I am pregnant for my fiance now. He already has a now 4 year old daughter... And his baby mama is just not good at all. I do my best for her I do what I can. But yes its like im pregnant now And he cares an all its just like the attention and affection. Its like the feeling is resentful. Because he already has a child that was way before me. And now im pregnant with his second child. It just feels so different because his daughter is being raised in two different households. And she is very disrespectful because her mom tells her bad things about me. And you know I feel that is childish and not right at all to tell a child that. AND ITS NOTHING HE AND I CAN DO. HOW DO A WOMAN WHO LOVES THIS MAN DEARLY. HE IS ABOUT TO BE MY HUSBAND HOW DO I DEAL WITH THAT...

It actually does'nt matter how old they are even grown children who are living their own lives are a serious problem! They call all the time need favors, bring up their mom constantly, every time the phone rings its his kids, ex-wife calling! The sad truth is there's no such thing as divorce once you have kids they are in a permanant relationship forever eventually there's engagements, weddings, grandchildren it never ends.... on top of that there's feelings their for the ex they did share the priceless moments of life together it wasn't all bad (especally someone who had a normal white wedding in a church, and planned and wanted to have kids with his ex), they were in-love and happy....... I could go on and on its basically a nightmare, a prison, and why abuse yourself like that very hard miserable your never ever number one........ will he cry when your kid is born probably not, he won't be scared but you will be its lonely! Its not a good idea..... if you do your on your own men are selfish, woman are selfish, children are selfish, if you want him to tell his ex to stop calling he won't do it he will get mad and you will be the bad guy! No one is on your side his kids will take his side, his ex will do whatever she wants, and don't even get me started on the mother and rest of the family especially if they like the ex! Wow just writing this is giving me anxiety..... childbirth is very painful you want need compassion but don't count on it..... there's no genuine excitement, no enthusiasm, no fear on his part especially if he has more than one kid! He's been their done that he actually a pro at this point and you don't need a tour guide, you need a husband! His first wife stole the show and ran off with the prize..... but, if you do it goid luck try not to be resentful! Its hard and can get bitter!

.

By the way I'm strictly talking about girls that have no children..... not divorced mothers! Sorry for any misunderstanding! Single dads should marry single moms and god knows there's tons of divorced parents..... there's more balance understanding etc. I'm talking about having your first wedding, baby ect. it should be special and you need to be number one!

OMG, reading all of these makes me feel so normal and my husband said it was me....thank you all so much

I agree with you. My fiance tells me "you're fine" when I tell him I read these boards for insight. However, he's not the one who feels like an outsider in his own home. And I'm not exactly being truthful when I tell him I read them for "insight", I actually read them for "comradery".

I have been married for four years to a man that has an 8 year old daughter, and I love her to death. She doesn't live with us but she visits often, and when she does, her 13 year old brother comes too. When my husband was dating their mother, the 13 year old was 2. After 3 years of being a father figure to the 2 year old(who was now 5), his daughter was born. Then a year after, my husband and his BM split. Keep in mind that even tho they split, my husband still took care of his daughter, and the 5 year old boy who was not his, because he had created a bond with him and said it wouldn't be right to just "kick him to the curb" just because he and the BM were no longer together. Fast forwarding to today. His daughter is now 8 and her brother is 13. They both come to stay with us, and we buy both of them christmas gifts and birthday gifts. He pays child support only for his daughter, but tells his BM if her son needs anything, to just let him know. I love both of the children and my husband and I have a 2 year old son together and he loves both of them and they love him. They play together and wrestle just like my son is as big as they are. I wouldn't say never marry someone with children, but you definitely must must know what you're getting yourself into and What comes along with marrying someone with children. You're going to have to deal with them thinking that you can't tell you what to do because you're not their parent but that's when you explain that you may not be their parent but you are married to their mom/dad and you are an adult and should be respected as an adult. Thankfully I didn't have to go through that and hopefully I never will. Then there's also the BM. I had issues with her but not major ones. I just explained to her that we may not like each other and we don't have to but this is the situation and for the kids sake we need to be civil and act like adults. So I won't sau don't marry someone with kids but be aware of what comes with it.

Wow! I thought I was the only woman who felt this way! I have been with my fiancé for 8yrs. He had two boys with ex. One of which is not his biological son. He found out bc the ex and her bf at the time of which they had another child afterwards with wanted to get a paternity test! So she has 3 children. One with my fiancé and two with her ex bf. the ex bf takes cars of the youngest child but not the middle one! But that's his biological child! Instead we take care of the middle as well. I feel she is getting over on us bc we are financially more stable than her and her ex. And my fiancé is in a messed up situation bc he don't want to neglect the child even though his real dad in still in the picture when it come sees the youngest child. In all I have resentment now towards both my fiancé real son and the other child he takes care of because of this. Not to mention my fiancé and I have a 3 yr old son and 1 yr old daughter. He knows I have never accept the children bc I feel like his ex is using us. What's sad is I feel like he puts this child that's not even his before me and sometimes our own children. It's a horrible feeling bc I put alot of my life into this relationship and I want to walk away bc I am for certain i will never get over this. On top of that, my fiancé lies about what he do for his children. And hides everything he does related to the mother. For example I never get to witness what conversations they have on the phone. And hues a very sweet guy. So I know for a fact he's doing more for her then what he says. So that's another issue. The lies are a deal breaker too. I'm just afraid to live bc I feel I will struggle being a single parent and I may never find a man to accept my children. I hate I am in this situation! Especially coming from a family raised only by women. I always dreamed of a small family with me my man and our children traveling and enjoying life. Oh for certain we travel but he always suggest we take his kids. When I want to do a family thing. I wish I could get him to realize yes you have other children u are responsible for but you have a family too! I cry cry cry so much over this. And it's ruining my life.

4 years ago...how is the situation now?

Yes check list for my situation:

You will be miserable.

You will yearn for a man with no kids.

You will have regrets.

You will feel pushed aside,

You will be angry and resentful.

I don't recommend it.

Always date someone with no children if possible. That way it will be your life together. Not his life and you just feel like your tagging along.

There is no room for you with a man with kids,even ***********when he tries his hardest to do his best to keep you first, you never will be. ************


Man with kids will always have an eyes for his children first and when you are not their mother, you just can not teach them, it is the rule of nature. When you have a misunderstanding with them, you will have to bend to them, first.

I am regret for taking that choice. The kids can do no wrong. They can slam the door, they can shout (18 for my case), they show no respect to you. It is a very crazy world.. and when it comes to a point, you would just have to be strong and ask if this is the what you want for the rest of your life. For sure you will not see it as "I made a good choice to be with him"

thats not really fair to say avoid dating man with kids. i am 30 i have 2 little girls 6 and 4 and i recently split from my fiance of 8 years. this is the type of information that will make a man feel hopeless in a time of need. everyone is different and every situation is different. i think if you connect with someone then if he has children are she has children it should not matter.

You shouldnt have been knocking women up then wrap it up because at the end of the day as you can obviously see those bastard children will pay the price

I think you're only thinking about yourself. Youwant woman with no kids and ex spouse bagage to accept yours. Selfish.

*Thanks* to the OP and responders for sharing so openly. I've started to date a 44-yr old man with a grown son (24) and 2 daughters (15 and 10). The son is from a casual teen situation; the mom shared custody until she dropped the boy off at 7 yrs for the dad to raise - the "kid" still lives w/dad and now has a daughter who lives with her mom. The 2 daughters are from a marriage that ended due to the wife's cheating; custody is shared, week on/week off.

Without the kids, this man would be such a great match for me; smart, kind, and the chemistry is amazing. I told him the kids were an issue; I have none. I support single dads, but told him I need someone who actually has time for me. He declared he would make me a priority. I said I needed to see how it would work in real time. Well, it's not working - he has no time for me, really. Even on his week "off," he has the 10-yr old until 8pm+ when the mom picks her up after work, so we can't even have dinner. He makes no special plans to work around this and I can see it won't work.

I'm crying and can't even type anymore; I know I need to break this thing off. I like this man so much; I should have known from the start this was a bad idea. The only smart thing I've done is not to sleep with him, so 'recovery' won't be as bad as it could be. Thank you ladies, for the warnings - I need to end this NOW.

If Your man is putting You last he needs to stop. No one wants to be last on their Man's list of priorities. Maybe You should express that You feel You need to spend more time together alone, maybe a date night once a week is the go? Surely he can put You first one night a week. If he can't You may end up breaking it off. Don't be miserable for years and years waiting around for him to give you a scrap of his attention. You deserve more than that

It really is so hard to know. My husband died 4 years ago and I was a recluse until I met my male companion. I worked with emotionally disturbed children as a therapist for 15 years and thought I could take anything...my mother died right before we met (she was my best friend) and now I feel like a train wreck. I can relate to almost all of these posts...I try to be a fixer and honestly felt I would never find love and I do love this man...I'm so afraid of EVERYTHING ! So glad I found this.... Stressed out!!! Thanks!

My situation is a little different. I am married to a guy that has a son from a previous girlfriend. He hates the fact that he has a child with her because she is evil but he loves his son. He doesn't love him like a parent would though because he can not stand his mother. He has lots of resentment and guilt built up from the situation, which makes him an angry person. Even though he feels this way he still defends the son and the situation when we get in fights about it. We have him every 3rd weekend but I still hate those weekends. He is a very whiney 6 year old, who still sucks his thumb and carries around a blankie. I feel like I can never talk to my husband about it because he gets so angry. He admits he does not like the situation but still he defends it. I don't understand. I just wish he would let go of all the guilt and resentment! It is a very tough situation and I feel like if he would just let go of his feelings, he would be able to talk more about it and understand where I am coming from. Even if he can see my side, he argues about it. The BM is very manipulative and controlling! My husband's parents are very pushy and push the son on my husband. I think they know how much my husband dislikes the situation so the try to push the son on my husband. His parents claim not to like the BM, but keep in contact with her because of the kid. His parents will go get his son for the weekend (arrange everything through the mother) and never even tell my husband they had him for the weekend until later. It is a very strange situation and makes me resent my in-laws as well. I just hate the whole situation and my husband will not listen to my feelings about it even though he has resentment feelings built up about it too.

I think you're my life twin! Just had a major fight with the Hubz about stepson who's 16, and my mother-in-law who pushes him off on us. We have been married for 13 years and have a great life. BM has married, and has 3 other kids and struggles. Why does MIL feel the need to compare? I went to college, grad school and kept my legs shut until I was married. She did not. Our lives will never be the same. No amount of visitation will change that. And BM is resentful. But my MIL acts like her son is a teen dad, and he does not stop her.
After 13 years I'm as disgusted as I was at year one. I really should've listened to my mother. There's no need for me to divorce, because I don't want my kids to have a stepparent. It SUCKS!!!

The in laws sound toxic. Is there any way You can both move away from them all

So glad I found this thread...I'm not the only person with these feelings, I am normal after all!

Omg! It's not the fault of a man with children that you're unhappy. All of that could have been avoided if you had realized what everyone else already knows - A significant other with kids is a package deal and the kids come first! You speak as though this were a surprise or that you were tricked! I just don't understand that.

How would you get the impression that you would get to have "your own life" if you share it with a man and that man has children? If you share it with anyone, it's no longer just yours alone.

My ex had children with others. I was never able to spend much time with or get to know 2 of the 3, but the oldest and I are still close even now that his father and I aren't together. When he got his first gf, he texted me immediately to tell me all about it.

How sad for your stepchildren that you resent the role that you, as an adult, took responsibility for. You've chosen not to truly become a part of the family YOU CHOSE.

How you view it is all how you choose to see it. Choose to see it differently or quit wasting your new family's time, effort and love.

First, the person wrote the post 4 years ago, probably as a one off, probably like how you signed up just to have a go at someone, as a one off. People come on Experience Project to share real experiences, and if that involves venting, then we're supportive rather than being critical because maybe people come on here to escape the chastisement of majority ideology. If you're here to stay, welcome to E.P. but please be respectful towards others' feelings and beliefs. T

wow!! I thought that it was me feeling this way and that I was depressed or just angry. I feel all those things. I have been with this "family" for six years and now have a sone with him, yet I feel like both my son and myself always take a back seat. I know how much he loves my son, but his kids get better treatment than I do! I am so lonely and always wish for something else. I feel horrible thinking that way. I resent his kids and can't stand to be around them. We have never been on a vacation alone without them, we never had a honeymoon. When I ask about it, I am told that "they came before me and I can suck it". I am so lost and sad, and the only thing that makes me happy is my son.

Oh I agree, that is so true!!!

i hate to say it, but what dfilbert says is true. my husband and i have been married for 11 years! what a wonderful life we have! but the area where the stepkids are involved (them directly, not them directly, anything related to them) is a constant burden that is always, ALWAYS there ready to cause problems between me and my husband. ALWAYS. i'm so sad to say it. i hate this part of my life. do understand, i say this even when i recognize that 99% of our life together and our own kids are wonderful. even when i have a good relationship with the stepkids, my husband and i still fight about or something related to them. and we think we have a pretty strong marriage (been through so much together), and that we have things figured out. not true. can NEVER be true in a blended family. i'm so sad :(

I totally understand both arguments and debates. However, I feel in order to make things right : one must understand and realized that moving on with your life can and will. It's a difficult process to do, but it must be done in order to live happier.

I myself am going through a similar situation and I've come to a cross road and I need to decide whether to stay or leave. What makes it harder is we have a daughter together.

It was nice reading all your posts because i felt like the only one going through something like this. however my situation is still somewhat different than all yours. Here it goes. I am 25 and have been married to my husband for almost 3 years and just 2 days ago he drops the bomb on me.. Tells me he has a son that will be turning 13 soon.. I would never have gotten involved with him if I knew he had a son, let alone marry him. Perhaps thats why he kept it from me..still no excuse. It gets better! His son is coming to this country to live with his daddy for good! Yippee! So..I was in a trusting faithful loyal kid-free relationship which was shattered in a matter of seconds. A 13 year old kid that i never knew existed will be living with us. As you probably guessed I dont have any kids of my own or with him..in fact I never wanted kids, let alone someone elses. And whats worse is he almost at "that age".. Teenage acting out...... So even if I somehow came to terms with this and could trust him again.. I would probably not treat that kid well at all (i have no tolerance for kids attitude and its not even my own), let alone fill the spot for his lost mother. Its hard to say whether or not I will still be his priority, but judging by your shared experiences Im guessing things will change.. DRAMATICALLY. if youre interested i will keep you posted... He will be picking him up from the airport about 2 weeks from now. SURPRISE! Youre a stepmom. Ugh, i think not. SO at this point Im not sure whether I will be kicking him and his son out or not... i just cant handle this dramatic change... It will hurt me to be going to suddenly lonely from happily married so fast..but maybe its for the best..because my trust is completely betrayed and it wont be the same anymore.. I dont believe anything he tells me. Besides, I am already hurt like never before. Like I said, couple of days ago I was happily married. Whats even making the siatuation worse is that I could really use a friend to talk to now.. But when i needed to talk to someone he was it..i have no friends and no siblings. I guess thats why i formed such a --what i thought was-- strong bond with him.. But turns out i didnt know him at all. Boo hoo on me for Not keeping any secrets from him while he was holding this bomb above my head. Any advice is welcome as I have a whole lot of different feelings (all bad) going through me right now.. And some logic would be refreshing.

Bellhavens, i may be the wrong person to talk to right now because i just got in a fight with my husband (stepkids related, as always) and i have a whole lot of different feelings -- ALL BAD -- going through me right now myself. Usually a logical person, but no logic here for now.

I just wanted to let you know I hear you, and I feel your pain. I hope the very best for you.

hugs,
stepnotmom

That's truly tough. I have no advice but am here for support. Step parenting is not easy knowing it is coming let alone when u r blindsided by it. I am here to chat f u need but can't imagine what is going through your mind right now. I am not happy being a step parent and I "knew" what I was getting in to.

I feel so bad for you! My situation is different from yours, but in a sense similiar. Agains't some warnings from people, I got involved with a man who had a daughter. BIG MISTAKE. He was never married to his ex (Baby Mama) but she is a nightmare to deal with, and expects large sums of money from us. I have two children and am married to this guy now. When we were planning our wedding years ago I found out that he had another child out there with a different woman! After I called off the wedding understandably, but than decided to get married last year. I felt that I owed it to the kids to try and make it work. This is where it gets really bad. This woman was one of his co-workers friends wives, and he slept with her and got her pregnant! He took off and avoided her when she informed him that she was pregnant and than started dating me and I got pregnant 7 months later. I never had a clue about this other lady. This other woman was pregnant for two months and had her baby in the same year that I had mine. She had hers in May/05, and I had mine in Dec/05. Absolutely sickening. I would NOT wish this situation on my worse enemy. It has been pure HELL to deal with. I did not find out about this kid until April/08, when the kid was 3 years old. By this time my child was now 1 years old! Had I known what he did I would have NEVER gotton involved with him....ever!!!! This has been the biggest mistake of my life. I feel so sorry for you, and you have my heartfelt sympathy. What a bomb you had dropped on your head! Where you are fortunate is that you have no kids with your husband. In my opinion you are definately within your full right to divorce him on grounds of major lies and deception! The only reason I married my guy after years of trying to come to terms with this, was for the sake of the kids. Had we not had kids, I would NOT be here. The stress and pain is NOT worth it. My husband has 4 kids with 3 different woman. It's disgusting!!! I feel very trapped at times and unhappy and stressed alot of the time. The pain and headache's from this is NOT worth it. I am so angry with myself because before I found out I was pregnant I thought I couldn't. I thought I would be having a hysterectomy within 2 years because of some rather serious "woman" problems with my ovaries and cervix. I was careless because I assumed I couldn't get pregnant. I love my kids, but would have NEVER been so careless if I knew I could get pregnant. My number one regret, is ever getting involved with a man who has kids already! This situation has ruined my life! You are still young and could have a fresh start. For that, I am very envious!

@Bellhavens

LEAVE HIM!!! Get that marriage annulled and find a better man to share your life with!

Wow, I'm so sorry. I'd tell myself, "Hey it could be worse." And that definitely is. You poor woman! I am wondering what you ended up doing. Hope it all worked out, and that you're happy.

Bellhavens, this post was awhile ago so just wondering how things worked out? I found out a year into dating my ex-bf that he had knocked up the girl he'd been sleeping with (not really a gf), about a week before we met. We met Sept. 2011, his daughter was born May 2012, and he told me August 2012 after DNA test came back positive. SO almost a full year of being with him, and risking getting pregnant with him all the while not knowing he had a baby on the way (his BM said it could be some other guys, so that was his excuse for not telling me sooner). We had been talking about moving in together, I had even been thinking of bringing up the topic of kids (we are both in our 30's, work professional jobs and, I had thought, childless), then he dropped that bomb. He ended up fighting for visitation and having to pay support, and after a few family events where BM would show up (e.g. his brother's wedding), I couldnt take it and had to leave. Not the life I wanted. I wonder if you have made the same choice.

hi I just read your story. I would like to know how's it going now. The good the bad? Thx

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In a way you are right, I live with my boyfriend he has a little 5 year old boy whom calls me mommy. The boy or baby as he and his ex call him lives with his mom. We have had our share of baby mama drama, I was pregnant we were excited, she stopped letting us see his son because she was jealous, put me under so much stress I had the worst pregnancy I felt alone and this resulted in a stillbirth of my precious Elizabeth Hazel, and because he has a baby still, but his little boy he can't be too sad or is as sad as I am about loosing our daughter. Watching him play with his son laughing and things only a week later really hurt, but what hurts the most was when I asked him 5 months into my pregnancy if he was going to feel the same about our daughter, and his answer was "I don't know, I I hope so, no one will ever take my sons place because he was my first but I think I'll love her a lot too" let me tell you that it's not enough for me, or for my baby, she was my first born and I had waited till I was 29 to have a baby. You will always wonder if he loves you more than he loved his ex, if he will love children that you bare as much as he loves his first, the questions will always be there even if you are confident that he lives you and your children it comes down to the amount of love and attention and if it's enough. Right now I think that what bothers me the most is that his son sleeps between us in our bed on the weekends the only time we really have to spend together. Think about it, my fiance is wonderful he really is, but are you willing to overlook something this major that sooner or later will cause friction between you both. I thought I could handle it, but i was wrong.

Oh and to those with kids who'll right nasty comments to the poor lady on here thats suffering because of her mans bad choices....you are the selfish ones. Why would you wont a Step anything for your kids- cause you can't do the job then want to hod wink some poor, loving kind hearted women - it's sad. Raise your oh dam kids - believe anyone would rather be single than deal with your crap so happy single parent dating!

Ladies please, please, don't just walk ...run!! I’ve just come out of another ‘Man with baggage’ relationship –Never again will I put myself through this.
I am talking from experience. I am 30+, attractive, professional woman on a positive path and working hard to get a good solid career behind me so I never have to rely on a man. Life is challenging and I've made it through so many tricky situations and come so far that I can't believe that I would ever 'settle' for this type of 2nd best situation! But I did I ignored my gut, because he was 'a nice guy'. I don't have kids but do want them some day. In fact I have now dated 3 guys with kids over the years...it never works. And until I lived with the guy and his kids I didn't know why - because I really like kids. But when you're living with someone else’s it's a whole different story. Let me just say that I have soooo much respect for any man that faces up to his responsibilities. That is what they should, as Dad’s do. But they should also be realistic about the type of women they can now get with. The trouble was my ex did tell me he wanted his kids to live with him, but it wasn’t ‘real’ until it happened and I just had to sit back and be 2nd best or get out.
It’s the worst feeling ever, for a woman to be told time and time again I can’t do this or that because I have the kids. Grrrr.
None of the guy’s (in my experience) was able to manage things properly-either lack of time, money, or mental patience cause their so tired from the kids an all their drama. They would cancel dates, not have money to spend on you or make it down right clear about all the lovely plans they have with their kids – and you can either tag along or get out. It’s such a shame because I get it, I get what they’re trying to do –BUT it DOESN’T work.
MEN- Your woman will always feel 2nd best and that’s not fair. Single dads should date single mums or not at all.
I had to put up with hearing – “I’m taking the kids to Israel this year so don’t have money for our holiday!” What.... really?
“I can’t see you this weekend cause the kids are sick”- and so on so on.
Ladies the worst part is if you say to anyone –this isn’t right I wont to be number 1 in my mans life –your made to feel like the worst person in the world cause he’s just doing right by his kids. Which he is BUT ,,,HE made this mistake, not you and your being told to put up or shut up! How dare they not realise that actually they’re no longer as desirable as they once were they’re now a man with baggage. They no longer the hot guy that everyone wants to be with. Lets be honest they’ve probably lost their looks now their older, the finances have now taken a battering cause they have to provide and not many women will put up with ‘baby moma’ crap

I read on another site about this and a lady (lets call her J) said: It’s usually women with low self esteem, single moms, or ones that haven’t yet caught on how BAD this situation will be. Well let me tell you I WAS that woman – the one who thought ‘kids are lovely’ how bad can this be –WRONG. Even if the kids are well behaved as all the ones I met were, you will STILL resent it. Believe me now you WILL no matter how hard you fight it. When you romantic evening is being interrupted by the kids or worst the kids mom! Those feeling will crop up no matter how much you love him.
Please never listen to anyone that’s puts you down because you smart enough to say – actually didn’t weren’t stupid enough to get preggers so why do I have to deal with this....YOU DON’T unless you choose to.

Funny thing is I have traditional homely values – I love looking after my man, family values are so dear to me, but I want that to be my family. You cannot create your family with some baby moma hanging around and dictating your schedule. Even if they have a good relationship as friends it’s too fractured and eventually cracks will show.
I’ll cook clean etc. And I expect to be looked after in return. But men have seemed to add their kids to this. So not only are you doing their washing, cooking cleaning but their kids. Who are usually highly ungrateful. I now come to realise that I have just been too nice to these guys with kids. From this point on I’ll be true to myself and put myself first. It’s okay to say actually I’m a good woman who knows how to treat her man, so yeah I want my man to take ME on vacations, spend money and time on me, have me as his main focus.

I do somewhat agree with what J said that low self esteem plays a big part and if your in that situation you maybe thinking I’m a strong woman, I don’t feel threatened by their prev’ relationship, I don’t have low self esteem, I just love him. I know this because I felt it too. Believe me now just take some time out – without him in your ear promising the world to make up for his crap and you’ll see things clearly. Also beware of the man who didn’t even commit Marriage to the mother of his kids – it screams bad judgement on his part. Or who says ‘I stayed for the baby’ and try and work it out – this isn’t as noble as it sounds. Why would you stay in something your not happy in? Surely you’d be big enough to admit that it wont work – no many men stay around cause it’s convenient to THEM. Look at things closer. Would he have been homeless if he left her? Di HE have such low self esteem that he couldn’t make proper arrangements or not have the guts to admit actually I still have feelings for her. Was he just ‘having his cake and eating it’?
If you still going to stick with Mr Dad know this; you’ll never come first no matter what crap he says, his time money and prob’ yours will be spent on the kids, you , not them will be made to feel like an outsider and you’ll have to make all the sacrifices.
If you’re looking at the celeb’s or someone you know and thinking, so and so is a Stepmom and they’re okay, right? Wrong, she has put up and shut up and for what ever reason thinks she can’t do better. Some men will really do a number on you, get into your head with promises of happy ever after, he loves you so much, you’ll always come first and even worst the one excuse everyone seems to make ‘ oh well I’ve seen him with his kids and he’s a good Dad to them so he’ll be a good Dad to mine’. Don’t be Baby moma number 2 ! That’s even worst cause now he can leave you with a kid. Do you really wana be like “her”.
In the end we’re all free to CHOOSE as we wish – make no mistake he should thank his lucky stars that you’ve chosen him.....but my bet is he wont and it wont be long before the resentment creeps in. I wish you ladies love and luck on your journey – there good are guy’s with no kids btw. Mr Dads – no offense as I’m sure your trying so hard to be good Dads just don’t forget to put yourselves in the shoes of your woman, it’s soooo not easy and if she is staying with you – your extremely blessed. Thank you.

huni77 -- you sound like me in a parallel universe. the me version of not choosing this life of blended family ****.

don't get me wrong, ladies, my man is amazing, life is great. but that tiny fracture called "blended family," it's a pain and a constant strain to our "strong" marriage.

if you're a single woman and can still NOT choose a life with a man with kids, make the right decision. don't do it.

with much love,
stepnotmom

Part of me wishes I would have seen these posts before I was a step parent but I now have the most precious twin girls that make it worth it and one of the biggest reasons I stay.. I am very good at hiding my low self esteem and I saw all the warning signs. The day we got engaged was even postponed bc he had to keep my step kids an xtra day . At the time I was not allowed to spend time with him and the kids so u truly didn't understand what I was getting myself into. I love my husband so much but am constantly questioning whether I am cut out to be a stepmom. I am made to feel like being a stepparent is all about giving and not receiving respect in return. The remarks are " they do that to me too!" We'll I don't feel it is acceptable either way so it makes me question how we going to do raising our girls. He also says that the dads are usually laid back while the moms are the ones who are supposed to be upset about this and that. Sorry ranting bc we had another "talk" bout it last nite. But as he says, it's been how long since the last time? I don't care! It keeps happening and the feelings never go away

I had a friend who warned me about dating and marrying a man with kids. What did I know? I wish I had listened. All my money goes to support his kids, his kids who think that we "have" money. We don't. His one daugher who completely disowned both of us because she was not going to school (college) and so we had her emancipated. She took emancipation from his money as disownment. It isn't. She has not called nor spoken to him in over a year and with Christmas coming I'm supposed to pull a diamond out of my *** and pay to give her Christmas presents? NO, I don't think so. I don't even know her address. Ok, well I actually do. She moved down the street, but yet has not told us nor forwarded an address to us. The only reason I know her addy is because a piece of mail was misdelivered here for her, but it had her address on it. Then there is the other one, E, who plays these games with her father and he gets all bent and twisted. Seriously, it's stupid. She thinks I am the monster because I don't take her bulls*it and lies. She can tell everyone else straight up, but when you call out her BS it's never HER fault. Whatever. I asked for a Christmas list for months and got nothing, so I went and got a couple of items. If she comes to get them, fine. If not, oh well, I have reciepts and I will return them.

I'm tired of kids who think and have this self important expectation that I am supposed to fill in where their deadbeat mothers are. RIDICULOUS!

I cannot tell you how many times I wish I had headed the advice of my friend who told me not to marry a man with kids. I wish I had listened.

bless you, its true.i yearn for a simple, one unit.

I'm dating a man with a young son who is out of control, foul mouthed, & inappropriate.
Reading these posts scare the Hell out of me.
I love my bf but hate the child's behavior & am unsure if it'll change.
I have a teen daughter who is respectful, well mannered, & does what is told.
I didn't put up with BS from my kid. I won't put up with someone else's.

Before I met my husband, I had never dated anyone who had kids and said I never would. I wish I had stuck to that. (Although now we have 2 beautiful angels, so I can't TRULY wish is never married him.) But if it were not for them, I would wish more than anything that I'd never made this horrible mistake. His son was 8 when we met...over-indulged, lazy, spoiled rotten brat. He waited on him hand and foot (and still does! The kid is 13 now.) There was NOTHING that kid did for himself. My husband would literally get down on his knees and put that lazy brat's shoes on FOR him! I mean, ANYTHING you can think of, his dad did/does it FOR him. That kid has never lifted a finger to do ANYTHING for himself and still doesn't. Before we got married, I tried to break it off, explaining that this was never going to work, because his kid was spoiled, lazy and ALWAYS around and we would NEVER have a life that was our own. I straight up told him that I didn't like that kid, didn't want to deal with his crazy criminal ex-wife and that at the very best case scenario would be that I MIGHT learn to accept that kid, but that I'd never be happy he existed and would always wish he'd never had that kid. Not much grey area there. He convinced me that things would change. They never did. EVERYTHING has always been about THAT kid, and still is. Even at the expense of our own children. THAT kid comes first. On weekends, my husband's only time off from work is spent 100% with ONLY THAT kid. He completely ignores his other 2 children (OUR children) and ONLY spends time with THAT kid. The list of things that have gone on in the last 5 years is far too much to write, but includes COUNTLESS and constant arguing about that kid, restraining orders against his ex-wife, he steals our children's Christmas and birthday money and buys things for THAT kid with it (despicable!) and a miserable marriage from the beginning, because it has NEVER been just US. It's always been "us" plus someone else's kid. Our children virtually have no father because he only seems to care about the mistake he made with his first wife. It breaks my heart for them and infuriates me beyond measue. Who does that??!!!! Who just chooses ONE of their children to be a father to and ignores the others??!!!! I am stuck, unable to divorce and take MY children because sharing custody of them is out of the question. They would not be safe alone with him. They are 1 and 3 and requires a lot of time and attention. Time and attention he cannot and will not give hem because he's too busy worshipping that brat. Anything that kid wants, he gets. A couple weekends ago, my daughter went downstairs to try to see her father and a found her playing outside all by herself! She's THREE! Thank God she didn't get kidnapped or hit by a car! He was too busy with that mistake of his to pay attention to her and he had irresponsibly left the door open, so she went outside. I was LIVID! If anyone is thinking about marrying a man with children, please save yourself an indescribable amount of stress and strain and pain and RUN AWAY! In fact, run as soon as you know they have children. Don't even bother getting involved in the first place. It is as horrible as everyone here has stated, and then some!

Omg run as fast as you can !!

I totally agree 100%! I married a man with a 3 year old daughter thinking that I could handle it. Boy was I wrong. I was wrong about thinking that I could handle being a stepmom and thinking that my husband was telling me the truth when he agreed that he would put our marriage first since having a strong marriage is one of the foundations for having a stable family. I've been married nearly 4 months to a man who I have since discovered is obsessed with his daughter and spoils her a lot more than I had originally thought. It turns out that he also lied about quitting smoking, has Adult ADD that he won't get treatment for, and is addicted to ****. I admit I was duped. So now I'm stuck with one of the most bratty, hyper active toddlers I have ever known, a husband who has lied to me about so many issues, not to mention a crazy BM who will always be apart of our lives like a shadow of darkness. If I could do it over again I would never have married him. The misery of this situation is just too difficult and painful to deal with.

If you are unhappy and having doubts NOW, they will only increase 100x over after you are married. It's hard enough just to make a marriage work, much less the addition of another family.... because it is another family... his life will always include another wife and children seperate from anything you may have.

its true but i dont want to admit it.

Lizley Lizley Lizley DONT EVENT THINK ABOUT IT....DONT RUIN YOUR LIFE! it will hurt a bit cuz you love him now, but if you live with him it will hurt every day...there will be some few nice weekends here and there, but even those will be at stake if the kids want this or need that... DONT DONT DONT....

i totally agree..i did the same mistake. You end up feeling like an accessory in his life, you will always come last, you will always feel guilty of you need more time with him or if you think of planning a holiday with him, you will always feel bad if you want his care or attention, cuz the kids come first.

I hate this and I hate that they love me too, you are so right! I am watching years of my life go past longing for being loved the way I should have been if I had a normal relationship… in addition to that you will never be able to get rid of “her” … you will never be as important as the Mom for as long as the kids are close to her… you will feel at days that you are just there for his pleasure or his comfort and support…and when you demand the care and love you need it will be too stressful and you might even be blamed for being unsupportive… you will lonely in his arms and an alien in his thoughts, you will always be expected to understand and compromise and compromise…I remember once I said : I wish I travel and see the world with you and I got the answer that would freak any woman out specially in her thirties…I was told bluntly: Of course honey we will be able to that…IN !£ YEARS!!!!! So I answered…I will be lucky to move by then not travel the world…

DON’T EVER DO THAT MISTAKE…if he has kids that are not yours…RUN AWAY….or watch years of your life run away from you…

you should remain single, it will make you more happier.. and travel the world yourself instead of waiting for a prince charming at your age

well of course you are not first.. his responsibility is to his young children..

I am glad you realize this greediness in you, that way, you won't marry him

and he will find a woman with a good heart

there are some awesome step mom's out there, he just needs to wait a little

longer to find one..

happy single life again!

Obviously you have no respect for yourself and your needs. good luck to you and your happiness.

It's so fantastic to find people who understand such a difficult situation. Everybody always tells me that the problem it's that you've not enough patience and that you're being selfish because I find it so hard to be always put aside....it's true what you all say: the kids will always be first. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but what about me?? I don't have any children of my own and my husband doesn't want more children, so I'll always be living a life thah's not my own...at least that's how I feel.

I am a stepmom of two very disrespectful teenagers. The girl is nearly 17 and the boy is 13. they live with the mother and visit us in the holidays. The hate me and I do not have a close relationship with them. They are jealous of their half brother (3) and half sister (16Mnths). But I have never felt lonely or pushed away. There are rules to follow at our house and hubby and I are always a united front. They often dont want me to be a part of activities with their dad but he tells them that we are married and if they dont want me to be a part of their lives then they must leave. I am not saying it is easy. The kids have no personal hygiene. They will not bath or brush theit teeth for weeks if they are not told to, sit with dirty feet on the couch and table, will wake the little ones from their naps and eat with no regard as to whether others still need to eat. My stepdaughter is a size 50 and weighs about 150kg and my step son weighs about 80kg. I hate holidays but I knew my husband had children and marriage it for better or worse and as much as he loves them he tells them if they dont want to see me they just dont have to visit us . It is their choice but he married me and not them. It all depends on the man. not on the children. If he cannot make you feel part of the family DO NOT MARRY. If he can go for it!!!!!!!!!! PS Do not let your overweight stepkids sleep ion your beds if they visit. We just bought a bed for our son with my step daughter sleeping on it it needs to be replaced. From Now its Mattresses only