Being a stepmom everyother weekend has its perks. :) I get to help raise a wonderful kid and I still get to have as much of my own life as anyone married at my age can expect. But I am jealous. I cannot stand my step son's lying manipulative mother. I hate coming second. I hate coordinating events with a woman I can't stand as well as child possession exchanges. I loathe unexpected phone calls from my step sons mother to "catch everyone up to speed." I hate feeling out of place like my role isn't concrete and that I'm somehow always left out. I hate always feeling compared to a woman I hate. I sometimes wish my husband never fathered anyone elses child despite how amazing my step son is most of the time. I HATE hearing about how much my 3 year old step son loves his mommy and what have you. I hate when people tell me that my step son looks like me, not because of any ill feelings towards him but because I wish that he was mine. I wish I didn't have to share kids with a woman I hardly know. I wish I had been the one to experience all the "firsts" with my husband. Afterall, those are the kind of life experiences you hope to share with the love of your life. I had never really wanted kids in the first place. I'm almost done with my degree and I can't say I'm completely unhappy. But here I am half full and half empty. Sometimes I feel like something in my life is missing and I didn't realize it until just recently. I'll be the first to admit that I'm deeeply jealous and sometimes selfish. I want my cake and to eat it too I suppose. Is it so wrong of me? Would an "ours" baby make me feel more content and bring our family closer? I want to feel more connected... Anyone else struggle with the idea of an "ours" baby? If so, how has it affected your marriage?
YoungAndBitter YoungAndBitter
22-25, F
Apr 20, 2016