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I Just Don't Understand

I married my husband 2 years ago. He and I both have daughters from previous marriages. My daughters bio dad is non existent and is with us full time. My husband has stepped in and became her father! She is 5 and step daughter is 4. I have found it extremely difficult from the beginning to love this child. She is very whiney and needy. In the beginning I did not like bio mom, but have since became friends with her and get along great. Step daughter is with us 50% of the time, and my husband works ALOT so therefore I get stuck caring for her. She is a very lazy child who only wants to sit around and watch movies all time. Won't ever try new things and cries about everything. I resent her when she is around because she disrupts my household and clings to him like a leach! I just don't want to be a step mom! There is pressure to love her like my own. I don't feel like I should have to do that. I do care for her, but do not feel the same as I do about my own. My husband has accepted my daughter whole heratedly and treats her just the same as his. I have severe guilt because I do not act the same. Should I be expected to see this kid in the same way I do my own? I mean she has a mom, and its not me!

bluekc bluekc 26-30, F 29 Responses Dec 23, 2009

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No sorry sometimes it just doesn't happen. That doesn't mean You are a horrible person. I am sure You will grow to care for her. The clingyness & tears tell me there is a very hurt insecure little girl in there. Perhaps You can find something she has slight interest in and make it bonding time for just You & her. My step daughter & I bonded over clothes. She used to love the 2 hours per fortnight of just 'our time' because it made her feel special when my daughter was away. It took about 12 months for her to even allow me and her father to sit together. I made it very clear to her that she would always be Daddy's girl & that I was always there for her as another adult she could trust, not a friend, not a parent, more like a favourite teacher.

Sorry to post my situation here. Im 22 yrs old and currently pregnant with my first baby. Im actually due to give birth tomorrow. Lately, ive been acting and feeling weird towards my partner and his son. My partner has jst decided to take full custody of his son last week as he thinks that his son is better off living with us than his bio mom. His bio mom is dating this psychopath guy that she doesnt want to get rid off. And thats another reason why my fiance wants his son to live with us. My partner made this decision without even asking if I was ok with it. Especially with my condition right now. Making the decision without thinking that Ill be the one spending most of the time at home as he is the one working. I feel that it's so unfair that his bio mom is enjoying her time with the boyfriend while giving her responsibility to someone else.. I love my fiance and I accepted his kid since day 1. But im just really not ready for his son to live with us. Im so worried of how things are gnna be like with this new arrangement. Im so worried of the thought of being a step mom. Me and my fiance have only been living together for less than a year. We have a baby that is due to be born tomorrow. Im jst sad too that I wont even get to experience jst me my baby and my fiance as a family. Now its already four of us. And im not ready for it.. I really dont know what to do. Its affecting me bigtime.

May you are like me really cant stand the mother of the child

I have been seeing my boyfriend a couple of months.....we hit it off instantaniously and I never felt so much happiness love and affection in the beginning of our relationship. His 5 yr old daughter and how he is with her drives me crazy. I love children and have 4 of my own. My youngest 6 is easy going and was very receptive of my boyfriend. My son is very independent and loving. He will play and every so often come "check in" give me a peck on the cheek and hug and go back to playing. He sleeps in his own room at night without resistance although he slept with me for 3 years. . I shoe appropriate affection for my son.....a hug a kiss or he will sit next to us watchire ing a movie. His daughter on the other hand......its almost disturbing the level of their intimacy. She always wants to be in his lap and especially if im around she will make it a point to lay her entire body on his front side and kiss him on the mouth a dozen or so times while she strokes his face and chest. She will say several times "I love my daddy so so much my daddy" and look at me to make sure im looking. She is very manipulative and I feel she knows what she is doing. In the beginning he balanced the affection between her and I perfectly so I chalked her behavior up as reassurance of her place with him in a new relationship. But as time went by his affection for me went away and his and her "bond" appeared much more intimate and almost like she was a jealous girlfriend not child. His demeanor has changed towards me as well....hes less receptive to my touch and requests for affection that he gave me in the beginning. Now instead of us cuddling watching a movie she will lay on him while he lifts her shirt up to caress herback and stomach to "put her to sleep" now feel so isolated and so much like an outsider and its almost too difficult to sit next to them in their moments I tried to rationalize my feelings as resentment? Jealousy? Disgust? Its like she is being treated like the girlfriend and I am the outcast. I brought it to his attention and how I feel he said he understood but made excuses. I sought the advice of my ex husband whom I have 2 daughters with and he said it will get worse. The night I discussed my concerns with my boyfriend he was even more distant and his daughter came and got in our bed and he turned his back on me to spoon with her. He will play with her hair and caress her back so intimately while disregarding me and my need even for a fraction of that affection. I have decided to end the relationship since she has become more hostile and competitive for his attention and his affection has become more intense for her. I have tried to bond with her but ended up resenting what I witnessed. He has 50% timeshare by the way.

almost everyone who has commented is being overly dramatic! i dont think you are being childish or selfish. it is frustrating to have a kid who whines and doesnt listen and therefore you dont love them as much as your own. i feel like im stuck taking care of my husbands kids because their mom has two other children in her custody but not them. she gave them up because she couldnt handle them. their own mother doesnt like them but yet she loves her other two kids. how should i love them? just because they are children doesnt mean they dont understand wrong. some children actually do bad things on purpose. my step kids are manipulative. they demand things of me when their dad is gone but when hes home they are so sweet. for example im cooking dinner on a night hes at school same time i do every night "im hungry is it ready ive been waiting so long" but the next night hes home and im cooking they say "oh wow that smells really good i cant wait". this from a four and five year old. who knew kids that young can be manipulative. and i act the same toward them whether their dad is there or not. ill put them in time our or toughen my tone with their dad around if i need to. im not two faced fake whatever you want to call it. im sorry i didnt mean to make this about me, just trying to explain that i know what you are going through.

wow... poor kid.. if she is clinging onto her father, she is desperate for his love and believe me she is not getting it.. in fact more clinging is a sign he does NOT love her as he should.<br />
1. from now on, do not pick up the kid, have the father do it, in other words if he is not home, no reason why you should have the kid that you obviously are jealous and resentful of her.<br />
2. If pressure is put on you to care for her with out him in the house or where ever she needs to go then say NO.. if he tells you if you don't then to hit the road, then do so...<br />
and take your perfect daughter with you.

Omgosh grow up you choose to have a man with children.. Those children are his responsability and will probably outlast your relationship. Your in charge of your relationship with the children not the kids. If you act like a dictator dont be surprised if they act out. Its hard to have kids that are your own let alone that arnt.. what were you thinking. The kids didnt make the choice so you gotta decide are you in or out. Are you a force of goodness or a selfish b$#ch?

I read all this and see very self absorbed and childish behavior. Your an adult and you and your husband choose to be together and owe your children his and yours a peaceful accepting healthy and loving environment. Be the adult and make it work! You can make friends or you can make crap its up to you and what YOU do not the child. A child is not able to see the full picture and has to deal with whatever you two give them regardless of what they want, feel, do or are. They dont have the skills nor should they. If you choose to enter a relationship you better be prepared its not like having a cat!

I am so glad that I found this site. I am seriously struggling with the whole idea concept of being a step-mom. I have been with my husband for 6 years now, two of them married. His daughter is 9 years old. Things were fine when she was little and cute, but now that she is getting older, I absolutely HATE the weekends she comes over. My husband is a lazy dad and he leaves everything up to me. I can't stand the fact that his whiny little child comes to me for everything and clings to me. He never puts her to bed... or makes her lunch... or helps her with homework. I never asked for this!!! It was never my heart's desire to be a parent to someone elses kid!! I don't think I was ever an angry person before, but I am really starting to resent the fact that my hard earned money goes to her mom every month. We can barely pay our own bills! My step daughters biological mom seems like she has an endless supply of money and she spends ALOT on her kids- private singing lessons, expensive clothes, monthly trips (and I don't mean day trips, they go to Cuba and New York City). Im sick of having to compete with her!!<br />
My husband is dilusional about the whole situation. He was a really young dad (like 18 yrs old), and I feel like he thinks he can get out of being a parent when I'm around. I don't want to be her mom!!! How can I explain to my husband that I don't want to be her mom, without sounding like a jerk?? Some of my friends have said that this is what I signed up for, but I'm seriously thinking of checking out of this relationship because my heart is filled with resentment and anger, and I don't want to be that kind of person.

hi im new to this page i just recently found out my boyfriend of 13 days has a daughter ..almost 3 years old cutest little girl ever looks exactly like her dad he is already very seriously in love with me yes i do know its very soon for someone to say that but it was a instant attraction i love him too but im very worried about being a stepmom i cant help but feel jealous evertime i see a picture of him and her it feels like i have to love his daughter as much as he does and yes i do want to love her she came from the man i love even if she isint "our" child she is a child his child i feel like all the special stuff im supposed to do with him has been taken away i cant have his first born and i always wonder if he will love our kids the same way he loves his daughter ... he pays child support but im worried about the ex mother causing drama i know she will forever be in his life they have a child together

Sorry to say it but RUN! If you already asking these questions especially. Being a stepmom is hard- If you truly dont fall in love with the child also you will most likely have a life of feeling guilt-anger-loneliness-resentfulness.
Guilt=because you don't love her unconditionally like he does. Anger=because you hate feeling guilty about your feelings Loneliness= because he had a first child already and your first will never be his first and every one of your childs first milestones including birth will not be the first time your husbands experiancing it. and those are the reasons you will resent him and your stepchhild.
If you are still in this relationship you should have a more clear picture on what life will be like being a stepmom- now think about adding your own kids to the family-
Good Luck- and if you do decide to go for it- I hope hes a real good man to YOU first.

I have been a step mom for 6 years, and have gone through many transformations trying to make things work. In the end, I demand I am the queen bee at my house. I also acknowledge the fact that my husband will not change how he handles things with his X or his daughter. We have had many horrible fights about it, and I have to accept the fact that he doesn't really care what I think. I also know that my husband does not discipline, and so I have to set up expectations and consequences, for my own sanity. Because I do this, there is much stress at home all the time. I have pretty much two choices; love his daughter as much as I can, or end the relationship. <br />
I have to say the love I feel for her is not natural and has grown over time. I have to fake a lot of hugs and kisses, but other times the hugs are not fake. Just realize you have to fake it a little so the child doesn't feel unimportant. But also don't feel guilty about it, if it is hard. Pretend he/she is a newborn that can talk and express disdain, but still needs to be held, loved, and nurtured. It will just be a billion times harder.<br />
I love her father and he is the father to my three children, and do not want my children to have a broken home, but I am not sure I can deal with the stress, the guilt, the anger, the sadness, the self questioning very much longer.... <br />
It is one of those moments that I have to ask myself; what do I really want? It is hard to know, but know that step parenting is the hardest job out there. Know that hoping a child will appreciate you is not something you can plan on. You can plan on being unappreciated, giving all that you have, in the hope that you are helping that child. Is it worth it? It depends on you and how you feel about it. It is different case by case. It can be a deal breaker, but it doesn't have to be. <br />
What I tell myself is this, I care about her like I care about my own children; I want her to become a happy, successful, healthy and responsible adult. I just have less control over the outcome.

I feel the same way u do. I'm a young step mom. My step daughter is 18 and the boy is 17. I've been with them since they were 5&amp;6. i have 2 boys with there father (my husband) .he was a father at the age 16 and his mother help raised them. There bio mom was M.I.A for awhile, she always in out there life (they live with us for yrs)so I do my best to make them feel like they belong with us but nothing seems to work anymore. I guess now that there older they understand that bio mom was never around so there acting out more to get her attention but in the process they take it out on me ans husband doesnt really know how to handled it. he thinks he doing something but he's not cuz they just keep doing the samething over and over again. so I distance my self from them and I only worry about my kids. I know it may sound bad but It's the only way i can keep my mind right for my boys there young and still have a lot to learn..

I understand where you are coming from, its hard to love a stepchild the same as your own child. Especially if you dont get along with them that well, then it can feel like the stepchild is running your hosuehold and it kind of puts you in a corner. Im in a similar situation and the stepson wants to live with us full time and im NOT up for it, at least not right now. I have to much of my own stuff going on and our finances are not secure enough to bring in another mouth to feed cloth and put through school. Me and my bf fight constantly but he doesnt see the situation where i am coming from. I am going to be the one stuck with the kids all the time as he works and gets to get out of the house during the day, and i am always the one stuck at home.

It is not about loving people's kids here. It is about doing the right thing. I love my stepkids just as I love my kids. The only fact that seems to be ignored is that when I try so hard to do the right thing equally to everychild, I get thankfulness from my own kids and get unthankfulness, hatred and rejection from my step kids. Well I am human who is bound to lean towards where I am being appreciated.<br />
Point of the matter, I cannot replace anybody's mother and would not want anyone to replace me. I am no longer expecting their love, I just want peace and that should not be too much to ask for. I totally accept their hatred cos it is their choice but I cannot accept to be miserable just because they are exercising their choice.<br />
If I do what my conscience tells me and not letting them force me into second-guessing myself. Love is reciprocal, I give a lot and don't expect much, only being thankful should do it than all other hurrible things I witness. It hurts; agreed for someone to replace your mother. Dealing with it adequately is the key other than blaming the woman that was not even there when their parent divorced.

I have been with my partner for one year. I am 25 and he is 40, he also has two young children. I really love my partner and have committed to this relationship fully, however, the idea of having to play step mummy makes me feel ill. <br />
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His children are nice little people but to be frank I do not want to have anything to do with them. I don't even want to hear about them once he arrives home from visiting them at his ex's house. I am certainly not mean to them when I have to be around them, I have no intention of upsetting them, I just don't have any interest in participating in activities with them.<br />
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As much as I hate myself for saying this; I can't even stand looking at them sometimes because I am just thinking go away you little pain. I don't want to share my boyfriend with you. I don’t find you cute or sweet, or actually rather precocious and whiney.<br />
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If I am honest, I resent them and what they represent. I never wanted to be in a relationship where children existed until I decided I was ready to have my own. I know it is so very selfish so say such a thing as I was fully aware they existed before my relationship became serious. But the very thought of them makes me feel angry and frustrated. I feel like they are going to inhibit my relationship with my partner and the things I want us to do in our relationship. <br />
I have been honest with my partner about my feelings and this hurts him very much. He thinks I am being selfish and immature (probably right to some degree) but I don't know how I am meant to get over this feeling if I cannot be honest with him.<br />
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Their bio mother loathes the ground I walk on and this in turn makes me resentful towards her. She doesn't think I have anything valuable to add to her children’s lives because of my age and the way I choose to live my life. She is very religious and I do not believe in the same way she does.<br />
When I look at the children I just feel irritated about the fact they have come from her.<br />
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I am lost for an answer of how to deal with this problem. It is causing arguments in my relationship with my partner and I am worried that this will be the deal breaker. The concept of his children is so totally overwhelming to me and I am not even legally 'stepmum' to them yet. <br />
Why do I wish not to hear about them and would rather pretend like they didn’t exist? What can I do to change these feelings?

I feel the same way you do. I wish I would have thought this out more before getting into it. Sometimes I want to walk away!

I also feel the same, my fiance has 3 kids and we have 1 together. His 17 yr old son has just moved in with us full time, our finances are already strained before this and now it's worse. Also my fiance does EVERYTHING for him and it drives me crazy. He's not doing his son any favours by doing everything for him. His son is also on some crazy diet that costs too much money. He is a slob and being disrespectful to his dad. I should add that he is fine with me and we get along well and he treats me with respect. If I ask him to do something he does it no problem.
I've tried talking to my fiance about all this and how things need to change but it always turns into a fight.
I'm very unhappy and having him here is creating a lot of tension and strain on our relationship, I'm afraid it wont last as my resentment is starting to rise and push my love for him further away. My fiance is angry all the time now that he's here full time. (he admits it's because of his son and his lack of respect for him and our home) I can't live like this anymore, if it wasn't for our daughter I would have checked out of this relationship already. I'm tired of our life revolving around his sons time schedule. I have all the same feelings those here are having. I find relief that I'm not alone in my feelings. I was begining to think I was alone and selfish but have come to understand this is all too common.
My only advice, is don't do it. If you aren't sure if you can handle being a stepmom then you can't handle it. I wish I'd had someone to tell me that before hand. I didn't realise what I was getting in for, the kids, the money hungry ex wife etc.

I'm so glad that I found this site!! I've never felt like I've ever needed as much support as I do now!! Wow! That was a mouthful!! I am a stepmother now for one year. My husband and I dated almost 2 years before our engagement and then wedding. I knew from the beginning I would never replace her mother...nor did I want to. This thing I'm dealing with the most is the ungraciousness and silent disrespect from my stepdaughter. She is 11 years old and she's learning "who" and "how" she can use the adults around her and it saddens me. I've learned quickly that what she needs MOST from me is my direction, hugs, direction, love, direction, patience, love......etc. Sometimes I feel so defeated. I'm learning to stay away from "buying' her affection as she's very spoiled by most of the adults in her life. After watching her open gifts on birthdays, Christmas, etc and seeing zero excitement or real appreciation for the thought put in to the gift, I decided that "less is more" is my motto. Instead, I will replace more of my cheerfulness and excitement for her and express to her how VERY LUCKY she is to have so many adults who care about her in her life. Sometimes it seems her life is about what others can get her. Sad. I must help her see she is worth so very much more than what someone can buy her. Daily I pray & ask God to direct my thoughts & words. This is by far the MOST difficult job I've ever tackled. I confide in a very few close friends about my very true feelings & hurt I experience when she's around. I do not have any children of my own and we don't plan to have any as we are happy in our 40s with our small family. His daughter comes every Wed evening and every other weekend. During the summer we get her half of the time. Her mother has been very nice to be around and it seems that her mom/stepdad, dad & myself really do all try to do what's best for her. I'm dealing with the real feelings that I am experiencing as a stepmom. Her bio mom is a super cheerful lady and sometimes it seems a bit on the false side or.....maybe overcompensenating with feelings of guilt for ending their family unit. In ways I feel like the luckiest person in the picture and in other ways I feel out-of-the-loop & forgotten. My husband does so much to make me feel better but the help I need goes deeper than that. I wonder if someone could suggest a book on this subject. Thank you for reading.

I've been a step mom for 20 years and it certainly does have it's ups and downs. I call them my children and they call me mom. It wasn't the children I had problems with (I had none of my own) but rather the son-in law ( I was "just the step-mom) as far as he was concerned and he has been very difficult to deal with and understand, and now the grandchildren. Well not the grandchildren as much as their biological grandparents and now I'm hearing from them that I'm just the step-mom. I don't understand how you can love your "children", love your grandchildren and be treated in such a non caring way. I have loved and cared for my grandchildren as if I was their biological grandmother. I've been there when they fell down, I'm here to support them, I'm Just Alway's There for them? I don't think anyone other than a step-parent can understand how hurtful a job this can be.... Why do people have to be so insecure? <br />
All I ever wanted was to love them and be loved back in return......... oh yes, they love me but how do I get the son-in law and the grandparents to just let them love me in return....and keep their mouths shut.... I'm so sick of hearing "Just the Step-Mom" I could just die....<br />
My husband can't wait until he retires and we can move away and just live our lives... sad isn't it?

Wow!! This is a great site. I am engaged to a man with an 11 yr old son. His mom is deceased. I have no children by choice. However, I am more than busy caring for my parents. As a result, I have had to look after my family members. I love my fiancee, but told him early on that I do not want to be mom. I have a career and business as he does. He amazingly understood my feelings. I like his child,but I do not feel like I should be responsible for raising him. So we did a marital contract. He will remain the sole caretaker and provider for the son. I have no responsibilities regarding his son. However, I do help out a lot with his business. Initially, the child had high expectations when he learned we were getting married. Later, we told him that I would remain "Ms. XXX "and not " mommy". <br />
My relationship with my fiance is great. He is in heaven because he gets all of my attention, and he loves it. He feels like he finally has someone to look after him, and I do. It just works for us.

Oh thank god i am not some crazy ***** who can not love her step son as i love my own .He is all of the above clingy needy, whinny, hyper and i want to put him in a borading school now---- it's caused a drift between my husband and i.I am suppose to teach him and he is very week in his studies and i feel like i have been in a cage for 4 years.I love my husband and all but this is something i just can not do for him any longer.I have taken all this stress on me and been sweet and loving to this child but i just can not do it anymore.I know keeping him i am unfair to myself, him and my husband.WHAT should i do?<br />
If i had any idea how hard this was going to be i would rather stay single all my life.I am sooooo stressed out , on the edge all the time.All that made m happy has been sucked out of my life as i have had this child for 4 years.It makes me sad and guilty that i do not have it in me to take care of him for my husband sake.But i JUST CAN NOT ANYMORE!!!!

I feel you 100% girl! I was a single child while growing up. My grandmother raised me from the time I was born. I saw my mother on weekends and in the summertime and I never had a father until my now stepfather. I now have two boys of my own which now reside with their grandmother and I get them on weekends, summers and any holidays and days off work that I can. (This is not because they were took from me. I have joint custody with their fathers which are non-existent. They just want to stay with their grandmother) Anyway, I married a man two years ago who also has a 4 year old son. The bio-mother and my husband have joint custody of him. The thing is, he's very whiney and gets his way all the time and I feel like he is taking my time away from my husband. Just about every single conversation involves his son. I love his son but not like my own. My husband just can't understand why sometimes I just want time for just me and him and not include his son in on everything. I feel guilty because I always end up seeing his son more than my own children and I absolutely hate it, and because of that my husband and I always end up fighting over his son. My husband gets him two days a week and every other weekend, but lately, he gets him whenever he wants and keeps him as long as he wants. I'm not the kind of person who likes having a 4 year old sleep in the same bed that I am used to sleeping in alone with my husband and getting all his attention to where he can't finish a single meal at the table for having to get up and see what his son is yelling for him about. My husband thinks that I should want his son around as much as he does and doesn't understand why I don't. Because of this fact, I'm pretty sure our marriage is just about over with, and it's very sad because I love him so much and I really try to just keep my feelings inside and not say anything and just let him be, but I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I know all about being attacked for voicing your opinions.

to above -- about your question on whether or not to tell your husband, my experience would say no. Obviously much of that conversation is determined by your relationship & marraige, etc... but me and my fiance (to be married in 5 months) have an amazing relationship and there is really nothing we cannot discuss and figure out together --- Unless it is about his childern and how I feel. I also provide a safe and sturctured "homefront", and I am told that I do a great job with the kids...however, it does not help me with my feelings of resentment, being taking for granted, under appreciated, and not to mention the "problem" in the situation from an overbearing power hungry controling ex wife of his. I take care of her children 5 out of the 7 days of the week, and I still am not given any respect. I could go on about that forever...As the wedding date gets closer, my concerns about my new instant family havent gone away (its gotten worse). I decided I would talk to my fiancee about it -- thinking that this way it would be all on the table and I would not suffer in silence anymore. It was a big mistake. All I was able to voice about the situation was that I feel claustraphobic at times and overwhelmed. I did not expect his reaction. He became so defensive and upset wtih me that I ended up feeling even more like the "bad guy". I love my husband to be more than anything. And I desparately WANT to atleast like my step children. I have made the decision to seek theapy and try to determine why I feel the way I do, and what I can do to feel better. Unfortunately, voicing my concerns to my fiancee backfired in my face. Anytime an issue with the kids comes up now I feel I shouldnt say anything that he may take as "me not liking his kids". I just dont think they can understand how we feel, and it hurt when I was attacked for attempting to voice my feelings. Honestly in my opinion, I would think long and hard about telling your husband you are angry about being a stepmom..He is likely to not understand where you are comming from -- and it could just end up another way that you are the "evil step mom"...I wish you luck, i hurt for you too..i know the internal pain-- and to feel so alone and that how you feel is not important

I am so happy to have found this forum. I was just thinking that there has to be other stepmoms who feel the way I feel. I absolutely hate being a stepmother. My stepdaughters are 16 and 19 and I have been with them for 3 years. I do not have any children of my own. Their mother is deceased. Their father (my husband) lied to me about how long she had been deceased. He told me that their mother had been dead for 3 years when we first met. Come to find out she had only been dead for 1 month!!!!! I did not fimd out the truth until 13 month later, after he he proposed. Instantly he and his family felt that I should take on the mother role. I resented it then and resent it now. Also my husband is in the military and has been for over 20 years. He is gone alot. I am left to take care of them. Cook, clean, shopping, picking them up, dropping them off. I hate it. We have moved 2x's. He has been deployed 2x's. This does not include the 3 months training when he is also away. I am an angry person now. I am angry all the time. The 19 yr old is totally disrepectful. She will not listen to me, refuses to do chores or work but will ask for us for money. My husband is now on deployment and I have angry since his departure. I feel like when he met me he was looking for a replacement. I am so angry at him for this. His daughters expects me to do everything for them. They refuse to learn how to cook so now I just refuse to cook for them. I am not their maid. The 19 yr old has told me several times that I am not mother. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to leave. I have no privacy, no life and I am miserable. My husband tells me that I am doing a great job with taking care of the "homefront", I have never expressed to him that I really hate being a stepmother. I am so happy that I am able to freely express myself. Today I was going to go for a long walk and just scream. Should I tell my husband that I am angry about being a stepmother?

Hi everyone,<br />
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I too am a step mum. I am struggling so very badly and its so refreshing to hear that my feelings are just like yours. thanks you, thank you all for being to brave. I am a step mum to a 8yo boy for over a year now and his dad and i are planning the wedding now. . . But he is the most needy little boy that i have ever met. He can never ever do anything on his own and has to have adult attention constantly. If he does not get his own way he starts crying. He has to be in front of the TV or video game or he wines and sulks. . . I understand I knew my finance had a son that he saw every weekend when i started this relationship, and I love him to death. But I will never love his son like his son deserves. his son has had his family split apart and i so want to be there to help him feel loved and like we can be a family. But its all a lie. its all on the outside to make everyone else feel better. I hate it ... I dont know what to do to let go and just let life blossom. my anger is prop holding things back and i really dont want that.

The hardest thing I've ever had to do is be a stepmom. I think the hardest thing about being a stepmom is the pressure to live up to the standards that regular biological moms are held up to. I have one Natural child, and I am a great loving mom to her, no problem. But I carry guilt that the hardest thing to do is to force myself to love my stepchild the way I do my daughter, it is impossible, and a constant failure every time I try. I would like my stepchild better if I didn't have to deal with him all the time. I wish his natural parents would be better parents and not expect me to do it for them, I wish society didn't expect it of me. I wish society didn't put pressure on us stepmoms to love other people's kids the way we love our own simply because we are female and are supposed to be fountains of unlimited love, I've been a cold and reserved person since I was a baby and never faced judgment for it until I became a stepmom, now because I'm a step, magically that's supposed to have changed me. For my daughter I did magically become a loving person when I had her, but I still don't care for other people's kids. If there where 2 burning buildings and my baby was in one burning building and other burning building contained other people's kids. I would definitely choose to save my baby, no hesitation. Is human nature, and the way us stepmoms feel is human nature. I signed up marry a man who already had a child, I did NOT however, sign up to take over his and his ex's parental duties, responsibilities, and expectations as parents, unfortunately for myself and my stepkid, that's exactly what has happened to us, and we were the only ones who didn't ask to be put in this situation.

Hunny I feel you for sure... I do love my stepkids very much. This love has cost me my health in times, and almost my marriage (many times), in addition to the financial burden seeing as they are with me full time and the legal costs in getting them were overwhelming. The sad part is its not the children but the drama created by their family that creates our distance. Be glad that you have a half-way decent relationship with the mother its certainly better than wondering if the assigned supervisor will be paying attention because when they don't abuse occurs and your not being continually harassed by their biological mother and their family. I love my stepkids but I hate the nightmare that has become my life because of my husbands ex and her family that are unrelenting.

I too am glad you were brave enough to post your feelings. They are so "non politically" correct, however very real. I have been a stepmom for 10 years, with my four step children, and three of my biological children living in our house. I am so sick of trying to treat my step children equally, do everything for them. No one seems to have sympathy except those in the same situation. Bravo to you.<br />
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I will say that now two of my step children are grown, and they treat me wonderfully. Our relationship is so much better, and because of that I find my self appreciating them more, and actually loving to be around them. This tells me, that it is not me. You cannot continue to give and not get back in return for years, and not develop some resentment. It is a long road, but if you can hang in there, there are payoffs in the end. Do something special for yourself, you deserve it.

Hello BlueKC. Don't feel bad for how you feel about your husbands daughter. You should be allowed to express how you feel on this forum espcially since it is called "I hate being a stepmom". Nobody tells us how hard it is going to be. I am in the same situation as you are. My daughter is 4 1/2 - biodad is non exisistent and my husband is in the process of adopting her. He was previously married and has two children - daughter 6 and son 9. I cannot stand their mother who is the root of all evil and I tried to have a relationship with these children and it just doesn't click. My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years and his daughter is the same way you described your husbands daughter. Clingy, whiney, wanting all the attention and it drives me up the wall. She is always treated like a baby and whines about everything. I struggle every other weekend when they come to visit because I feel their evil Mother is coming into my home as well because they are her children and she has primary custody of them and God only knows what these kids are picking up from her. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I was happy to read your post because it made me realize that I am not alone. don't listen to these other that say you are crazy. you are not, you feel how you feel and that is ok. :)

I understand how you feel. I've been married for 9 years to a man who has a daughter. I love her, but I don't love her like she is mine. I don't want to be a stepmom either. I don't have any kids but I know I don't feel that way about her. I feel like an selfish person, but I can't shake this feeling I have. I'm scared I am fixing to get a divorce and I really love my husband so I don't want one. <br />
No one can make you love someone else. If you don't love her like that don't worry. But maybe one day she will grow up a little and things just might fall into place!! Take care

I,m going into a very hard time with my husband cause I don't feel happy being a stepmom, did you get the divorce after 9 years?

I agree that she needs those things, totally! I also agree that I am in the wrong for feeling this way! I love my family dearly and truly want things right, I really do. Somehow, somewhere in my being I am struggling with this child. I know it is not fair, I know she deserves better, and I need help with that. Thanks for the blunt response Happy67, it may be just what I needed to hear!

wow, I was not seeking to be "coddled" by any means. Just wanted to share struggle I have sometimes. I do not need sympathy, what I needed is to talk to others who may have these same problems that I do. Obviously, I understand some of these are wrong because I wrote it on there. As far as accusing me of "ABUSING" this child was totally uncalled for. How unfair. I am a very good wife and do alot for my family. Being a step parent is very difficult and I struggle with it at times. That does not mean I am some evil ***** that hurts kids. HOW DARE YOU!