Egg Donors Do Not Make Mothers So Why Are Steps Second-best?

I was single, successful, happy and liked my life.  Then I met my husband, who is perfect for me in every way... except for his baggage.  He had  teenage daughter, who seemed excited and impressed that her dad found such a catch.  Everything was fine before we got married, even when we moved in together, a year before we got married.  Even his ex was happy for him.

Everything changed overnight when we got married, talk about a bait and switch!  His ex because jealous and resentful and even tried to seduce my husband.  It didn't work, and she has been bad-mouthing me ever since, to anyone who will listen.  She is an alcoholic, broke, high school drop-out and hates that I m younger than her, educated, and have good job.  She also has no custody of their daughter and no visitation rights.  

His daughter stayed with her while we were on our honeymoon, and since the day we came back, the delightful, polite kid was replaced with  an ungrateful, mean, delinquent spoiled brat.  She is 16 now, and her mom let her loser boyfriend spend the night while we were gone because she was too drunk to drive him home.  That was followed by a pregnancy scare, a drug arrest, and slipping grades.  Also by lying and disrespect.  As soon as she was off grounding for her arrest, she broke curfew and her father went and found her (GPS on her phone that I pay for) drunk as a skunk.  Before shouting and crying and passing out, she screamed that she hated me, and that she hated not being "daddy's little girl" anymore and even took a swing at me.

My husband worked nights and dropped to part-time so he could supervise her, which we both agreed was best.  Now I financially support the household... I pay not only to put a roof over this kid's head, but also her internet (I even bought her a new computer), phone with unlimited texting, digital camera, haircuts, and way nicer clothes and shoes on her back than she ever had before, not to mention more time with her father all to herself since I work hours after she gets home from school.

Yet I am the outsider and she now barely speaks to me even though she acted like I was her best friend before we got married.   She was even in our wedding party!  In the meanwhile, her mother pays no support, barely ever sees her even though we allow visitation and have never denied her, and she lives around the corner... close enough to walk here.  My hubby and I fight all the time over his lack of balls and unwillingness to get support from his ex, an under the table bartender.  He figures we never hear from her and likes it that way.  I figure she should be accountable for helping the child she incubated, especially since she's caused so much trouble.  She doesn't even call more than once every few months, and when she does spend time with her kid, all she does is undermine me and our rules, and criticize me.   

I know his daughter must feel like she's in the middle, but I support the house, and I gave up my own home and super-fun single life and she treats me with nothing but distance and disrespect.  She just expects me to clean up her messes and give her everything she wants.

I feel used and resentful, and although I love my husband dearly I feel unwanted and like a visitor in my own home.  She's always talking about how she can't wait to turn 18 and move out.  I find myself wishing that were true, but since she doesn't and never has had a job, I know she is not leaving once she realizes how hard it is to live independently.  Everyone says that's just how teens are, but I am sick of being taken for granted and treated like I don't belong.  

I love my husband and we never fight about anything else except his daughter, whom he calls "our daughter" but I'm not her mother and never will be as much as he wishes we had that relationship.  

I just wish we had dated a few more years and didn't get married until she was gone.  I don't know if our marriage will survive long enough for her to stop wrecking it.

Beccadoglover Beccadoglover
31-35, F
2 Responses Feb 28, 2010

That is not how teens are. My SD is exactly the same but my BD is the exact opposite. It's those piece of crap vengeful BM that cause this. When I divorced my ex it was mutual and we have been successfully Co parenting for nine years. My SD comes and life is frickin miserable. I can't wait until my house is done so mine and I can get the hell out. SD and her dad can fend for themselves.

This is not a problem just for stepmoms. My mother had many problems raising her son and she was his bio mom. Tell her you deserve respect and will not take care of her messes. If you need more help my mother took my brother to counseling and it worked miracles. Maybe she feels upset her mom never visited her. If so family counseling should help you build a stable relationship with her. Bring your husband too,