So Happy To Find This Forum!

Yesterday was my 2nd anniversary and things feel like they are getting worse rather than better.  I have known my HB for 6 years.  He has two sons from a prior marriage and I have a daughter from a prior marriage.  We have a 1 year old boy together.  My SS are 10 and 12 and they drive me insane.  They scream and slam doors and wake up the baby right when I put him down.  They carry him around even though I ask them not to and he constantly has bumps and bruises from them falling with him.  They make a HUGE mess that they never clean up.  They don't have any manners and I feel like all I ever do is constantly correct them.  My daughter who is 7 gets up each morning and gets ready by herself, cleans up her messes and is very polite.  The boys are a different story-- I have to tell them over and over to do things they should know to do and they don't listen to me.  My husband half-heartedly tries to back me up but he doesn't follow through so I'm the one constantly fussing.  His ex is a piece of work.  She's 33 yrs old and tells her sons to tell everyone she's 28.  She only dates doctors so she doesn't have to pay for a thing- they buy her cars, her plastic surgery and most recently her house.  My husband pays out so much CS each month that we have to struggle to make ends meet.  She is as dumb as the day is long and there is no reasoning with her.  She tries to do things that jeopardize the small relationship I have with the boys.  A recent example, I helped one of them sell cookies for school and she came by to pick up the order form and then told him I never gave it to her.  I can't point out to him what a liar she is-- it's his mom's word against mine.  The thing that gets the most is that she signs each of them up for all of the sports she can so she doesn't have to take care of them.  She drops them off at the games and then we have to spend a minimum of 5 days out of our week taking them to practice or sitting at a game so they aren't disappointed that their dad's not there.  I love my husband to death but I I think about leaving him more and more often because of these kids and her.  I just can't take much more.  My life was so much easier before them and I don't know what to do.  No one understands and I hope someone here can help me before my marriage is ruined. 

Kainberina Kainberina
26-30, F
5 Responses Mar 2, 2010

You need to sit down with your husband and start taking some control over this situation. You're not the kids' mom or their maid, and it won't get any better until you establish your boundaries with them and the ex.

Psychologist Dan Williams has a site called Peace and Healing, which talks about how you can establish boundaries and rules with your stepkids.

Something else to consider is that when the kids are doing something like making a mess or hurting your baby, you can say things like "You know, Dad may not be able to watch your game if we have to take the baby to the emergency room because you hurt it" or "We won't be going to your practice until this mess is cleaned up." And stick with it. If they don't clean up their mess, then don't take them to their practice or game. If the baby gets hurt, then maybe you need to schedule pediatrician appointments that conflict with their game schedules.

Mom may balk, but your involvement in this is completely reliant on your willingness to continue dancing to her tune.

We all understand. It's sad there are so many of us. You are not alone. Remember that. Follow your gut and hang in there.

I just found this site myself and I see it as a support system. I joined because I was looking for how to become a stepmom, even though I don't want to be one. I wanted to see how other people do it and if it's a good idea to even continue with the relationship. I love him a lot and that is why I was looking for a way to open up my heart to love the little girl that my boyfriend has because I'm at the age that I want to get married. But I think just like, anaresu, the guy I want to marry might end up being a pushover after I get married. The mother of his child, might end up being a BEE in the future to me. I don't think I could take it either. I sympathize with you. I think if you can't take it, you can't. <br />
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I am worried though about your situation because children can be mean. What happens when you get divorced, and his children start treating your little boy mean when your not around. I would hate for something bad to happen. <br />
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I also would hate someone to take money from me and my future husband. I hope this helps. I understand how you feel I feel the same way about getting into a marriage with my boyfriend that has one little girl. I fear for my own kids. I hate someone that would take our money. I don't want the drama of the ex BEE. I also would try to win their love by doing everything your doing.<br />
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Think before you act, good luck!

being a step mom is the hardest thing ever made even harder with a dad with no back bone

i just found this site too and it seems one thing we step-moms have in common is we are married to men who do not back us up and are push-overs who don't want to share in the stress of parenting. a cold hard pill to swallow. wish i were single again.....