I dislike talking about this sort of thing. I suppose it is because it makes me feel weak, I don't know. I have not felt right since I was really little. I have been anxious, regretful, and heavy-of-heart for as long as I can remember. It grew much more somber and grave when I hit adolescence, and it has been with me ever since. This feeling dissipates and weakens at certain times, and floods me at others. I would describe it as an inability to find a reason to want to live. Now don't misconstrue these words; I find merit in living and experiencing just as most people do, I just struggle to find inherent meaning in all things I do. I hate being alive. I really do; I mean, if I could not exist tomorrow, I would be so overjoyed. I wish I could just go away, but would never want to hurt my family in my departure. There is so much I want to learn before I am done here, but it hurts to know that internally my heart isn't in it completely. I yearn to do great things, but at the same time, something inside me repudiates this desire and makes me feel horribly ineffective in living, and wanting to grow. I just hate this. I don't like living, but there are things I do like, and I wish that would just be enough. I wish I could be satiated by my interests, but I simply cannot. Life is a total burden, and I often wish to be done with it. Maybe I am naive for feeling like this, but I hate being sad all the time. I hate it, and I hate this life for cursing me with this sadness that constantly plagues me, and will most likely plague me forever.
jord4567 jord4567
22-25, M
3 Responses Aug 21, 2014

I could have wrote these words myself.

I know that feeling I deal with it everyday

I just wrote a thing myself, but now wish I had been as eloquent as you. I feel exactly the same. I'd never hurt myself, but I feel no joy in being alive... Everyone thinks I'm so well balanced and happy.