But It's So Much Safer

I am a loner. It is a self-preservation method. It is hard, and I get tired of always being by myself, but it is so much safer. I learned at a young age, and was given booster lessons throughout my life, that building relationships will only lead to betrayal. The other day my mom tried to tell me that having more friends means that you will have more people to turn to when you need help. I explained that to me, having more friends means a higher probablility of being hurt. She thought that I was talking about people letting me down, or saying the wrong thing. She doesn't know about my first two boyfriends, who sexually assulted me. Then my third boyfriend, who had been my friend for years beforehand, who raped me. How can I explain the feeling when your father turns his back on you in complete abandonment? Or the one friend that I trusted enough to open up to a little, and ended up telling me I was "the scumb of the earth, not worth the air that you breath, or the effort to think about." The scorn that you get for being a strong, athletic girl, but discust that people have when you turn into skin and bones. Then I move to another country, where everyone looks down on me because I have white skin and blond hair. Where I go to work, and am treated like I am blind, deaf and dumb. Where I am treated like just another idiot that doesn't speak their language, so I must not know that their whispers are about me. I must not notice the looks of scorn. It all soaks in. I learn from all these experiences, and I choose to not let people into my life. I have many aquaintance. They all asume that I have closer friends in someone else. They don't know that they might be the only person that I talk to that day. It is lonely. There are times that I hate myself for the way that I am. But I know that the wounds don't go as deep if I haven't allowed myself to trust them in the first place. So yes, it is safer. But I have dreams of being able to let someone in. Some day....
darkerside16 darkerside16
1 Response Feb 6, 2011

absolutely beautiful! Brilliant write..............:)