I Thought It Would Be Better By Now.

I came out when I was 12 and I live in California, not far from San Francisco. I just thought things would be better by now, nearly 15 years later, and they're not. I am depressed over being gay every day of my life. I don't think there's anything wrong with being gay -- it's just not for me and I feel like a failure because I have tried so hard to change and I can't seem to make it happen. I'm not sure if it ever will and I feel so ashamed. I don't feel like I was born gay (I think a lot of people are though.. I have plenty of gay friends who I'm convinced had absolutely no option otherwise), but I feel like I have a choice in the matter, which makes me kind of hate myself. I don't feel like I fit in with other gay people. I identify more with straight guys and it drives me insane knowing in the back of my mind that I'm so different from them. I end up getting put in awkward situations and hiding everything about my gayness in a huge mess of fear and embarrassment. My dream is to marry a woman and raise children with her. I get horrible anxiety when I think about living my life as a gay man. I would rather be celibate, which seems like a depressing alternative, so I'm continuing to try to change. Sometimes I'm convinced I can do this, and other times I just want to give up.
silfykins silfykins
26-30, M
1 Response May 10, 2012

I'm going through the same thing. I don't think I was born gay and the guilt and shame associated with somehow choosing this is terrible. I used to see my future with a wife and kids and it's so easy for me to blend in as a straight man and get married and have kids but my conscience won't let me. So instead, I see a celibate life because to me, living as a gay man just isn't an option. I do not relate at all to the gay lifestyle, I even forget at times that I have gay feelings because it's not a part of my life. It's good to know that someone else is going through the same thing. I'm a determined person so I'm convinced I can do it. But I don't know if it will destroy me. I find that playing sports or working out, running, etc. helps. Anything to get my mind on the right track.