It Feels Like A Curse

I became aware of my sexual orientation at a very young age. I would say that around the age 3-4 I began to realize that I was different. I remember being beaten by mom around that age simply for giving another little boy a kiss. That was a defining moment in my life. In that moment I learned to deny who I truly am. I would get in trouble for things like playing with girls when there were boys around or doing anything that would be considered girly like jumping rope. The older I got the more I realized that people like me were hated. It was evident by my family, peers, and church.

Because of this I started to get depressed at a very young age. I felt like I had to edit myself or conform to the ways of society in a way that left me feeling disconnected from my own self. I tried so hard to fit in but at the same time was afraid to let anyone in because I feared their judgements. I had been emotionally scarred for years and years by people I considered close. I felt like my parents rejected me. I ended up being raised by my grandparents. They are the only reason I have been able to get through half the things I have. They truly did love me.

Now that I am older I realize that we all have certain test in life to overcome. Some of us have it harder than others but I get a sense that the more difficult the hardship the bigger the lesson. I'm ok with that but it still doesn't make it an easier. I realize that I have been taught how to self-hate and it will take time for me begin to replace that self-hate with feelings of self-worth.

As an adult I have been open about my sexuality but as much as I understand now that being a black gay man is not anything to be ashamed of it still a constant battle. I'm still stigmatized. I still have issues with my family and friends concerning my sexuality. I'm still very guarded because even in my attempts to connect with other gay men I find myself being hurt by them also. Many gay men are just as lost as I am and it makes finding true meaningful relationships a hard task.

I don't think I have a problem with being gay more than I hate everything that comes along with it. It has forced my to live a life that is less than what I deserve. It has caused me to isolate myself and I have become lonely and bitter. It makes me want to literally die. I don't understand why this was given to me but it almost feels like a curse.
:-(
eyeconfess eyeconfess
31-35, M
4 Responses Jan 17, 2013

I feel the same way, I know is not wrong to be gay, but gay life feels a lot like being coursed. I wish I could feel the same way about women and have a normal life. Its not about telling people you are normal, They will never get it, as men can`t understand women, and women can understand men. most Straight people cant understand US, even if some of them claim to do it. And it sucks. I guess maybe it is a course but if i will be reborn someday I wish I could pay all that make me coursed in this life, and be straight the next one. life sometimes can be a *****, but at the end its life, and it`s better than being dead and forgotten. At least we gays have each other.

I feel bad for you, I'm bi and we all live in a world with people against us but we also live in a world of acceptance and of people who are there for us, if people aren't willing to accept you for who you are then they don't need to be in your life

Yep... it pretty much sucks.I believe that 99% of the people here that tell people otherwise are trying to make themselves feel good. This is not to say they are not genuinely trying to help others. They are just not being truthful. When I start seeing examples to the contrary in the real world (and not in a feel good chat group) I will most likely change my tune.Until then, I could not agree with you more. It sucks and it will only get worse and more lonely so get used to it and try and focus on something else.

;) i love rereading what i type and my typos, but hope your figured them out.

Did you see there is going to show on about a guy coming out on a profesional foot ball team? it is what we need, more realistic .

HUGS, I am sorry for you pain, I am sorry out society has so many issues.
Many journeys are hard, even if you were straight u would be going through a different baggage. do not let what others think of you, get in the way of your life. Life it to the fullest. before someone else can embrace you. You need to be ok with how you are. It wasn't a choice. it is who you are, so tell, what is wrong with it?