I Wish...

I wish that there were a possibility of changing the fact that I'm gay. I hate it with every ounce of my being. I've never been happy with being this way! I've known since I was like 5 years old that I was gay but never shared it with anyone. I pretty much figured out that being gay was the unpopular thing to be. Pretty much anyone who meets me thinks that I'm just another straight guy. All I ever keep searching for is scientific data that shows there could be some way some how to actually fix being gay. All I've ever wanted was to be able to have a wife and kids. But that will never happen because there has never been any attraction to women. I've prayed many days of my life asking God to help me to become straight...never happened. I pretty much don't know weather to think that maybe God does not exist because prayers are never answered and because so many innocent people seem to die all the time in great disasters. Or to think God just does not care about any of us and maybe gets a kick out of watching us squirm and suffer all the time. You have to understand...I grew up in church, prayed, believed, cared about God and being a good person. I still care about helping others...but as far as God goes...if God really exists...all I can think is...for God to let people be born this way and have to suffer in a world of hate and rejection...God can go F him/herself for all I care! Its bad enough blacks, women, even young girls through time have had to suffer for their differences in this world because of Man's cruelness through the course of time. I'm literally P'd off at God for allowing it to continue. God always gets great praise for wonderful things...but it seems like God is NEVER at fault when something bad happens these days. I feel God owes each of us who have suffered through out time...an apology if God is truly there and God truly cares. Because God let it happen. As for any christians, catholics, jews, whomever you are of any religion....if you think I'm out of line...you're no different. You Judge people for their differences, goto church to look good for the most part and all you ever want to do is make yourself known for "STatus". Religion has only brought this planet War, Pain, Death and Misery through out time. When will people begin to live in a world we can only "Imagine"???  


As far as being Gay. I'll never be proud of it, I'll always hate myself because of it, and I really dont care to exist because of it. Thanks God and Thanks Man for all your wonderful notions of hatred! (notice the sarcasim). 


For those of you who may read this and think that maybe I just need to accept it and try to learn to love myself...You who are straight DO NOT understand! You who are Gay...Just dont wanna think about it!

xmann1277 xmann1277
31-35, M
1 Response Feb 8, 2010

I'm the same and i think about it everyday. I lie constantly to keep my sexuality a secret, to the point that everyone, including my parents, think i'm just another straight guy. both my brothers have kids so now the family is asking when its going to be my time. I'd give anything to be straight, if there was a god he/she would not make people suffer like this. Nothing will change, i'm gay for life, along with all the crap that it brings. I'm lost, and heroin makes me forget about my sexuality, thats why i always find it hard to quit or end up relapsing. I long for something, besides kids, but i don't know what it is. i'm slowly giving up on life.