Quiet Abuse

He didn't say anything to hurt me at times. He didn't say a thing at all   Moved his head to look by me.  Walked out of a room or simply didn't show.  

This was a common theme from my day's with him.  It's amazing how this action can make you feel so insignificant.  No words to scar you no punch to leave a mark.  The deadly silence at times was worse.  

I used to call it his hockey face.  He loved hockey and if a game was on he zoned right in.  I was able to deal with that.  I understand the love of sport or a passion for something.  If I walked into the room I would stand in front of the TV and try to get his attention.  He would turn the TV up louder or reach his head and look around me.  I didn't exist.  He could have full convo's with others but me......nope invisible.  

I would have conversations where it was him talking at me.  Telling me what he thought others would think.  How they would see it.  I would give my opinion only to be blankly looked and then the room would be empty again.  

I was vocal and aware yet how can you fight silence.  How can you get someone to see when they can only see themselves.  I didn't understand the harm I was allowing to happen until I sat in silence and cried for hours.  The silence was broken with sadness and a constant flow of tears.  

I couldn't take the nothing anymore.  No fights no emotion nothing just nothing. Is that what I was ........Nothing?  

The shame of not being acknowledged.  The hurt of not being heard. 

I became a public speaker and the groups of people I spoke to hung on my every word.  I was told I was captivating........exciting and fun to listen too.  

Yet the years of being ignored can't be erased.  It was a job.......not me.  Just a job.  After all if the man I loved didn't want to talk to me.....who really would. 

flodials flodials
41-45, F
5 Responses Jan 16, 2013

Sometimes I felt like a puppy begging for attention. Just such a powerless, indignant position to find yourself. You watch him give attention to everyone but you. He says he still loves you, but certainly doesn't act like you're at all important. That sort of ignoring and silent treatment is very covertly abusive. These Narcs certainly suck. They idolize, devalue, re-idolize, devalue, keep you unbalanced, uncertain, unhappy...until either you finally give up and leave, or they just do a final discard and abandon you.

This is how my parent was growing up and it had horrific consequences. The only way I survive now anymore is blocking it out to the best of my ability.

I feel the same way after going through the same silence. I still am. Can relate to this in a few ways. The frustration of talking and not being responded to is so aggravating. To not be noticed in a room and ignored wipes me away. I understand.Hugs

Hugs back. I see you and you matter. here for your support if you need it.

Boshie is finally reading your stories, but not all at once. How did you do public speaking, that scares me to pieces?

LOL I have a lot of stories to read. Don't you worry about reading them all. I was hesitant at first but I was told I was a natural. I actually really enjoyed it. Not many people enjoy public speaking from what I am told. So your not alone on that one. I guess for me in a way it was a way of validating myself also. I had to be heard not ignored so very different from my home life at the time. I would love to do public speaking again. This time for a purpose rather than for a paycheck

My husband used to treat me like this. If is spoke, he ignored me. It was so lonely. I would answer myself or talk to the pets. Many times I cried alone. He did not care. Honestly, it only gets worst. Later he became very abusive. He stopped seeing me as a person long before the abuse. Just be careful.

Thanks kindly. I am out. Have been for a 5 yrs now. I am just sharing some pain. I was in a relationship for 20 years so lots of baggage lots of healing.

That's very, very true!