Being Led On

I was led on by a 'friend' over ten years ago and still feel the effects today as it totally unbalanced my life.

A female friend of mine began the beginning of an eating disorder when I was 18. I felt, me being me, that I wanted to help but I had no idea what I was letting myself in for.  Once I'd made the decision to help there was no going back as i was committed to the cause and her. We were at different universities and began writing letters (initiated by her) and then the game started.

I see now that from her point of view I was not the help that I intended me to be but instead due to her low self-esteem I became a play thing and someone that she could establish power over. It was a nightmare as fell deeper and deeper in love (probably due to my own lack of self respect and immaturity).

The day finally came after about 2 years of writing letters that i had to try and make a move closer and put an end to the game. I told her how I felt and she said she had no idea I felt that way. It has crossed my mind that maybe she is someone with no intuition, but really - she knew and to deny it was continuing the game. Next thing is that she started going out with her friend from her uni which crushed me. In my mind my reward for wanting help was heartbreak. Now I know you cannot help anyone who doesn't want the help and want to help themselves first.

Afterwards because of the games in the letters I felt so confused and it led to the development of a mental illness due to the sheer pain and also I was worried about how I apperared to others who knew us both. For years after I became paranoid in further relationships which had reached fruition that my girlfriend at the time had cheated and I believe this goes back to early experiences in the dating game.

I don't hate her but I'm starting to feel sorry for her in the sense that I am the better person. The whole thing deeply affected me with my first experience of love being led down the garden path. Her denial she didn't do anything just made it worse but I know that it was just a part of her game. She loved the attention and the fact that someone was interested in her and used it for her own purposes. I'm glad we didn't get together. Her tongue is too sharp and her heart too cold. Writing this will further distance me from these hard terrible memories.....!
cjlong cjlong
31-35, M
Jul 27, 2010