Am Worried It's All Happening Again...

A while back I had this terrible break up with a girl who crushed my heart into the smallest pieces, and lied to me for the longest time about everything, making me feel like I was the one who was wrong, until the truth finally came out. So naturally I swore to myself never to find myself in the same situation again... as if I could really control that. Anyway, life moves on...

I just started dating this girl. I think she's fantastic. We used to be friends for a while, a long while actually, even told each other that we weren't interested in dating at all. But we started getting really really close, and for the better part of a year we were pretty much seeing each other exclusively. Finally, summer time came by, and I was about to leave to go work abroad for the entire season. A couple weeks before I left, she told me that she wanted to be my girlfriend, that she really wanted us to belong to each other, and that she wouldn't have any regrets. Basically, I think that she knew both of our promiscuous potential and didn't want me to be buried in foreign girls while I was away, and to be honest I kinda felt the same about her. She said she would wait for me, and I promised her the same. We've been talking online pretty much every single day since I've been gone. We even have skype dates, which I loooooove. She's such a sexy girl, and I love just watching her beautiful face for as long as I can before either she or I have to go to work. On some occassions I'm lucky enough that she even gives me a show, and we totally go crazy for each other when that happens!

This morning, however, was different. What happened was that saturday night (for her) she was at some party, which I knew, and I told her I didn't expect her to be online. But she said she would be, and at the very least she'd make it on really late (which is the early morning for me), saying that she'd rather talk to me instead. Well, I figured it wasn't a big deal for me, I'd wake up in the morning to talk to her if she was on. I woke up pretty early, then went back to bed, then tried again, then went back to bed, then after I would normally wake up and do my things, I pretty much kept my status online as available in case she would ever showed up. And she never did. I got one little message from her phone on fb saying that she was in NYC. So that means, she went out and partied (pool party), then went to NYC late at night, and ended up staying there until later the next day. Fine.

So this morning, I finally got to see her, and I don't know whether or not I was tired and making things up in my mind, or if she was off a little bit, maybe holding something back (for me, I woke up at 5:30 to speak with her)... we had planned on seeing each other at this time. She was a little busy watching a show, I decided I'd rather not have to watch her watching her thing, so I showered and all then came back when it was over. Already that was different... normally she would've rather talked to me, and said she'd download the show later. But I guess I did catch her in the middle of it, so whatever. Then she starts telling me some things about her weekend. I ask her more questions, and things start turning from fun things I did (with no real details) to some weird f*cked up things that happened. She mentioned it was awkward at one party because everybody's ex was there, and everyone was drunk and acting up, and she mentions these groups of people with their respective ex. She didn't tell me her ex was there, too, until much later in the conversation, kinda mentioning it really quickly like it was nothing. So that's how i'm supposed to treat it, like it was nothing.

She says she was with her friends last night in NYC, that she couldn't drive back home cuz she was too drunk, that they ate some food mad late, and that the next day they watched a bunch of movies together. Who was there? Her friend and a bunch of other friends. All in all, what I'm trying to say is that there are no details and a lot of empty spaces. I tried to look into her eyes to see what she was holding back, if anything, and it seemed a little unsure. She finally asks me, "Are you ok? It seems like you're a little off today or something." I say i'm fine, i'm just a little tired. It's true, I didn't sleep too well last night. I still put on the smile, still told her i missed her, i didn't press on any issue. I asked her, in return, if everything was alright. She said everything was fine. So we're on an even plane somewhere, but even her asking me if everything was good was strange, unless I was really obviously tired or down or something, but it kinda makes a girl look guilty in my eyes. It's just... I can't tell right now. I don't know if something may have gone down and this is the beginning. With my ex, i was just as unsure, but i noticed a difference in behavior, and it turned out that i was completely right and all of my worst fears came to light. Now, today, this morning was the first difference i'd felt in us. It was the first change I may have noticed since we've been doing our online thing. Before I was so sure about us and that my faith was well placed. But today changed that... I might get over it before I get back to the states, maybe it was nothing. But how can i know for sure?
WonderlustKing WonderlustKing
22-25, M
Jul 19, 2010