I hate that my mind keep playing tricks on me, take me out of this mess. Please! Anyone?!?

One second I think every single person I come in contact with even just a look thinks I'm a freak. Or that whatever I do is wrong!

I hate it when people make fun of others based on their gender preference and then the next second I ridicule those I try to protect and look at them like they are dirt. Because I feel I myself is worthless piece of trash trying to save someone else. Save someone else when I can't even save myself.
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2 Responses Aug 19, 2014

True..no one can.but you can cover up everything with lies to feel better..but first you gotta stop believing in higher power and moral if you do and if not then what are you waiting for?.

What you feel at those times is real, but it's misplaced - what's actually happening is that YOU think you're a freak/whatever you're doing is wrong. Once you realize that those feelings are yours, it opens the door for you to be able to start changing them.

True, but think of it this way - if you feel that way 80% of the time this month, but then next month you get it down to 75%, then you're well on your way to total victory. One day you'll be walking down the street and you'll suddenly realize that you hardly ever do it anymore.

It's been years since I started working on my own misplaced feelings of freak-ness/wrongness. I used to do it almost every time I went out - but now I do it maybe 5% of the time.

That's a hard question to answer. I never found any single, straightforward technique for it. At the same time, there were some things that helped me.

Over time, I think meditation and other mindfulness practices can have a lot of positive effects in a lot of areas of life - but my experience has been that it's not very useful for changing big stuff like this (though it can help put you in the right mindset for personal transformation).

One thing that helped me was to practice noticing when it was happening. In the early days, I would sometimes go for hours thinking that everyone around me thought that everything I did was wrong... and then I'd FINALLY remember that those feelings were really mine.

Once I noticed that I was misplacing my feelings, I would say to myself "I'm feeling like I'm a freak who can't do anything right."

The problem was, there was always a part of me that would say "maybe the other person really DOES think I'm a freak."

But then I finally made a huge realization that let me move past that. This is going to be a bit convoluted, but bear with me.

I realized that: "The person in front of me doesn't actually have the feelings/views that I'm perceiving them as having. It's possible that they're viewing me in a negative light. It's even remotely (VERY remotely) possible that they're viewing me in a way that's exactly the same as the way I think they're viewing me. but even if they are, they're STILL not feeling/viewing me in the way I think they are, because those views/feelings are mine."

It sounds convoluted - but the idea is that the feelings/perceptions that you're perceiving the other person as having are ALWAYS your own feelings/perceptions, no matter how similar or different (or even in rare cases, identical) the other persons feelings/views of you are. Even if their feelings about you are identical to yours, your feelings and theirs are still two separate, completely different things.

I hope that makes sense.

You can't change the feelings/views of everyone you come in contact with, especially if they're not really feeling/viewing you the way you think you are - but by taking ownership of those feelings/views, you gain the ability to start changing them.

None of these things are quick fixes or silver bullets - there were days when I would remind myself of these things and suddenly stop misplacing my feelings... but then the next day I'd try the same techniques and they wouldn't work at all. At the end of the day, personal transformation is a numbers game - it's all about doing a little better this month than you did last month.

Fair enough - you have the right to live your life the way you want to.