I Want Out Of My Marriage...

I’m 24 and my husband is 26. We’ve been together for 5 years married 11 months. We have a 3 year old girl. We planned to get married a year before I found out I was pregnant. When I fell pregnant we postponed to have the baby first (financial issues). We’re both working and have fairly good jobs.
We’re Xhosa’s from South Africa and live in South Africa. It is tradition when you fall pregnant and are unmarried to introduce yourself to the girl’s family as the father and support the girl financially or pay whatever amount to the family to assist with the pregnancy and the baby/mother’s needs. When it came down to introducing himself to the family, he had all sorts of excuses (one being that it wasn’t even tradition to do that but a formality). I gave birth and my family never met him, they just knew him from what I told them about him. I was seen as the girl who fell pregnant and was abandoned by the father. I lived through that, loved my husband and didn’t care what my family said.

I gave birth by C-section and had to pay all the hospital bills, doctor fees, buy the baby clothes myself because I was smart enough to prepare for the baby. I was on medical aid as well and he wasn’t so that cut the expenses in half for me. I went home with the baby (being a first time mom) and received NO help from my husband. Waking up at night for the feedings was torture, cleaning the baby and the house. I had an operation that hurt so much every time I moved. He wouldn’t even get up to pass the baby to me so I could feed her (I moved her cot into our bedroom). He just slept through it all. I took three months from work to look after the baby. I couldn’t stay longer because I couldn’t afford it. From the day my baby was born she has been my responsibility financially and in all other ways. I never want to have children again (not after the pain I went through) I have to beg and annoy to get him to see that I need help. I’ve taken life insurance for her and he refuses because he doesn’t see the point.

After I gave birth I went and bought a car to make getting around easy for me and the baby. He doesn’t have a car, but I always treat it like it’s our car because we’re married and I love him. He’s lazy, never helps out around the house or with the baby. He doesn’t even make the bed when he wakes up. Wakes up late and I’m always late for work to the point where I got a warning and I have to take a taxi (AM STILL PAYING FOR THE F*&**N car he’s using). He complain about everything, from the way he’s clothes are ironed , how he’s food is made , why I didn’t get around to doing something he asked me to do , to how much effort I put into sex (he always says If I haven’t done it I shouldn’t give him excuses). He wants to be respected and treated like the man of the house and he doesn’t even try to assist. All he ever cares about is sex and I always tell him that we’re broken and sex isn’t going to fix our problems. His family actually thinks everything we have is because of him. I’ve actually reached a point where I just don’t care.

He’s not physically abusive but did hit me once and then promised never to do it again. He said that I bring out the worst in him. He told me he’s bored so I let him go out to the places he won’t be bored. He spends his money on anything he feels like buying, while I’m stuck with all the expenses, from the baby, to insurance, car installments, school fees for the baby, my school fees (furthering my studies) and every other thing that goes on around the house. Painting the house is my problem, fixing broken door and washing machines (I always say, it can’t be that hard to fix it. So I grab my tools and start hammering and he’ll just look at me and play he’s video games or sleep) . He always has business ideas that never go anywhere and I always support him and I’m currently helping him with his latest business venture (I’ll make sure that it gets off the ground).

He has a kid with another woman (from before we met). For a while I sent money to assist the mother with the kid and actually helped her get a proper job by offering accommodation in our flat for three months. He never did send money and the mother was always complaining. At my home children always get new clothes for Christmas day. When I asked him to buy clothes for his child, he told to but out it’s not my baby and I should stop involving myself in his child’s life. Christmas came and the little boy didn’t have new clothes for Christmas and mine did (that didn’t sit well with husband’s family, seemed like I didn’t care).

We tried counseling and he chose him. After three sessions he wanted me to pay for it and I can’t afford it. We stopped going and when I asked why, he told me it was because the shrink was more on my side than his. We’ve drifted further apart and I’ve actually told him that I want us to part ways because I’m miserable and I don’t want to try anymore.
I’m thinking of my child and my family (because my mom put so much into the marriage). I’ve spoken to him about this and it doesn’t make a difference. Every time I voice anything he goes and buys me flowers and chocolates. (That just makes me laugh). I’ve even weekend getaways for two but they are financially draining on my part. Love just isn’t enough, I want out (11 month or not).
sssy sssy
22-25
May 20, 2012