I'm On Food Stamps, Again And My Light Might Get Cut Off Next Week
It is so uncomfortable to be poor. What's worst than being poor? Having regrets about your choices when your choices were to follow your dreams and the only place they ever got you was in a one bedroom apartment that is falling apart. Growing up as an idealist and becoming a realist. I quit college after switching my major like ten times and performing poorly because I had dreams of becoming an actress and nobody, not even my advisor could talk me out of it. Pipe dreams that were never realized; pipe dreams that got me nowhere but on the side of the road calling triple A more than three times a month when my useless car would break down on the way to my fruitless auditions. As a child I always dreamed big; boy was I in for a reality check after having a kid and being married to a man that was younger than I and that would need time to grow up; although I do adore him for trying his best and still trying his best. He had a great job and we were doing great; even got to go to Disney three times; were on health insurance Blue Cross and Blue Shield; but the economy had its little meltdown and here we still are...broke, after two years. What's even worst is hearing about all my friends adventures, especially one of my friends that gets to go to Europe next year and how I have to read about her bragging about her trip and how she went to Las Vegas and got accepted into grad school. Traveling, one of my dreams that when I think about perhaps never being able to visit Europe my heart breaks and only keeps me going and trying. Hearing about my cousin and his slow rise to fame. Being my sister's shadow while she drives in with her Benz and hearing my mom brag about how she is going out with a millionaire. It honestly sucks. The only thing I find in my power to do is get financial aid and finish my associate's degree with hopes of getting a bachelor's (if financial aid continues to pay). You see, I screwed up my financial aid so badly in the past that I had to appeal to the financial aid board twice each year so I can have it back. When I finally got it back a year ago I managed to get this far and I graduate with my associate's in the Spring. I turned a 1.7 GPA into a 3.4 GPA; that's how bad I want it. Not one B, all A's. I hope when I transfer to the university I will still be qualified to receive it...but I don't have my hopes up. When we run out of toilet paper I get newspaper and crumble it up until it's smooth. It's sucks to be poor when you're so passionate to the point that you feel you can't breathe. I have to say the worst is when friends invite me to go out and I always have to say no or not being able to invite friends over because our place is so poor and withered. The bitterness sometimes overtakes and I have to find the things I am greatful for and the only escape is in books and the face of my child...the one thing I feel important for...giving him all the love in me. I escape in movies and dance.