Just Too Much.

First of all, I'm happy was I was able to find this place. It seems like a great group.



When I was fourteen, I had an eighteen year old boyfriend who got me into things that I shouldn't, namely pot. One day when we were both high he said we should have sex. Now, I had been raised by two very Christian parents and one of the biggest points they drilled home was not to have sex before marriage. Even after my folks stopped being such a big influence, I kept that little 'rule' in my heart because it had been something I had come to believe in on my own after seeing some of my friends experiences. I don't remember saying yes or no, I just remember him doing what he wanted with me and I just laid down and took it. A few weeks after, I told him I didn't really like what had happened and the idea of sex made me really uncomfortable. He broke up with me that day.


Flashforeward to six years later. I'm dating a great guy, who I'm very happy with (and a virgin), at least until about two months later when he starts mentioning things that we could do to make out relationshio 'better', or should I say, he showed me whenever we kissed and held the back of my head to keep me from pulling away too soon. He knew what had happened in my past and said that he would be willing to work on it when I started crying at the thought of it. For about a year this went on, him using subtle and not so subtle ways to 'ease me into the idea' and a few times I gave in just to get him to leave me alone about it, it wasn't quite as close to sex, but it made me just as uncomfortable.

Our relationship suffered. I dreaded being alone with him and when I was, I made up every excuse in the book not to go past a simple kiss or just tried to ignore it. He would get frustraited in a passive aggressive way and say that he was 'being so patient and doing all kinds of things for me' while I wasn't 'putting any kind of effort into the relationship at all.'  The worst part of it all was besides the intimate issue he was a wonderful boyfriend, but after a while I started to wonder if there was a reason he was putting so much effort into being nice even though according o his words 'even if I could never kiss you again, I'd still love you'.


It all came to a head a week ago when he started talking about it on the phone and I started to cry. I told him out uncomfortable the whole thing makes me for what feels like the hundreth time and me asks if I want to work on it (for the hundreth time). It was then I realized I didn't think he'd ever understand that this wasn't the kind of problem that could be fixed by him 'easing me into it and getting me used to it.'  I was unable to answer and he told me to call him back with an answer and hung up, leaving me feel like I was a piece of crap and horrible girlfriend.


I haven't called and it's been almost a week.


I don't know where to go from here. He would be easy to break up if he wasn't everything I was looking for in a guy in his other areas. If he would stop trying to manipulate me into something that makes me so uncomfortable I start crying then it would be a great relationship. But as it stand right now, I don't know how much more I can take.

Allthatsleft Allthatsleft
18-21, F
1 Response Feb 24, 2010

This is tough. Obviously you love each other, but you have given him many opportunities and he still doesn't understand that this isn't something you can just cure. You should never have to do things sexually that you don't want, regardless of how amazing the guy is otherwise. I don't think this relationship is doomed, but you need time and space to handle this yourself and deal with these feelings. (Have you seriously considered counseling? It might be very helpful, even if you don't think so right now.) But above all else, if you want to keep this guy, you owe him a phone call. Even if you don't have a definite answer for him, you need to tell him exactly what you wrote down here; you need to tell him that you're getting help and trying to figure stuff out. If he can't handle that, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it just means that he isn't emotionally mature enough to support you through this. But he definitely deserves one last opportunity to prove to you that he is.