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Rejecting Me

I do not consider myself beautiful or clever. My body is it's age. I have self confidence issues and no matter what I do I cannot ever truly love myself. I have a wall around me that protects me from harm. I am truly ugly on the inside.

I have some really beautiful friends that tell me I am beautiful, assure me I am kind and nice. I even have a few that have told me they love me. I know they are lying, but the fact they say it makes me feel better. It is impossible to love me. I do not deserve the love. I am unloveable.

Rejection is something I have coped with my whole life. I was never one to be popular, I was always the weird one. I was the poor one, the abused one.

Now I find myself that child again. It doesn't matter what I do. I cannot escape it. she comes back to haunt me. Tell me I am ugly and worthless.

I hate rejection. If I open up to someone, I want their full attention. I want them to be there and approve of what they see. I need them to tell me they approve. To listen to me, to want to be my friend, to desire me.

My wall is crumbling, I find myself loving too easily these days, clutching at people, needing them to like me. I try not to be anything I am not. I however do. I become the chameleon, changing to suit your mood, just to be accepted. I need approval that I am no longer a victim, that I am worth knowing.

If I do not see the person I am trying to gain approval from, if they do not message me, call me or contact me, I believe they have tired of me. I obsess, I worry.

I have found that EP is the only place I can actually be me. I have many faces, they are all the true me. There is the lustful me, the kind me, the loving me, the understanding me. It is however, always me!

Only in real life, in person, do I find I am different. craving the acceptance. How do I make the EP me the real me? how can I open up in life and accept that not everyone has to like me for me to like myself?
living4now living4now 41-45, F 9 Responses Feb 17, 2013

Your Response


That seem to happened some, even those who dont want to admit it. Keep talking, soon see urself outside here. Doing same,he dont neefd acceptance, dont matter how any respond, u wont let it keep u from thinking and expressing ur true self. It always important to be true to self. We must accept n respect self n others than we can see that others accept us as we are, if one is humble merciful, respectful n honor others we can see part of ourself in them. That is what draw us to those with similarities. With ones like ourselves, we will feel comfortable letting ourselves be true to self. Just look around u will see beauty of nature, self n others help make us who we are and add to how we feel n develop. Keep talking soon u be doing more because ur more confident in ur self n not let rejection enslave ur true self that real beauty that cant be hidden

Not all things in the world is good to each one.but to be a positive person is your own business,and i can feel your feelings.Believe that there are some people love you by their truly heart.

The people that tell me they truly love me are always there for me, you are right. I need to let them in and embrace them. Hold them and thank them for being there for me and never giving up on me. I mean, they are still there. They must see my flaws and my downside, yet there they are. Thank you for your words.

I think you truly have to love yourself to fully accept love from other people because you're never truly able to feel love from other otherwise.

As from being rejected I think everyone loathes that feeling. It's human nature to be/and feel wanted. But I'm sure there are people who love and adore you.

And EP helps, those people who reply care, as ASTFAR says.

I agree, usually I do love myself. Sometimes I fall when I am rejected. Try to understand why I have been rejected, over analyse things. This is when my past comes back to haunt me. I never stay down for too long. I just need to understand that not everyone needs to like everyone. I also need to be more "real" and not try to be what everyone wants me to be.

this poem alerted me to similar feelings in myself that you describe in yourself. I hope you find it helpful, if not, maybe others will...

Poetry By Charles C. Finn

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well
as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,
and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without
and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.

I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings--
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.

Charles C. Finn
September 1966

This is beautiful. Thank you for posting it. It helps more than you know. xxxx

you are welcome xx

Just know your you , you live your life and no one else's the more you care about other people's reactions or image the harder it is for you , you can have no concept of your own self worth without comparison of others just know you are your own soul you can't compare like that cuzz your unique it's comparing that will cuase you to deem your divinity as flaws

I ve had t same questions everyday and trying to find answers for it. .

We get easier broken down than building up. We learn to rather look at the negative side as not to be disappointed at the end. Because those times we do get excited and uplifted by positive thinking – we see our ***.
This is however a state of mind we need to get fixed, we are trapped by our own past failures, hurt and others harsh words/actions which most of them cannot even remember as that was part of their own failures and mistakes; we need to replace the bad thoughts and feelings with positive ones. We must start to realise that the world owe us nothing and that it is up to each oneself to make a distinction and see things differently.
Easier said than done, most definitely true. Those things that really matter must be worth the while!!! One cannot expect true words from others if your own words seem dull and untrue to your own ear... One cannot expect to receive if it is not due and required. Through hard work one can accomplish great things – however through cheating and untrue actions, nothing good can come from.
I recon what I am trying to say is everything starts within one self, redemption and reconciliation is to cleanup oneself from inside to see the bad habits and exchange them with good ones, to filter the bad thoughts and start to be more thankful and accepting what you do have and from thereon start to look at what you want and what the reasons are behind wanting such. If you desire something that you cannot have and that feelings are making you sad/hurt/lonely then you must realise that you are maybe going at it wrong... Change your tactics and views, start looking deeper for reasons only you know and can accept, deal with and move on – to better yourself and there through your life.

I don't know you very well, but I've ran into your stuff because of a mutual friend in the past. In various times in my life, I've felt what you feel and the walls just got thicker. So, I hear what you are saying here. Truth is, only you can find a way to like yourself. Have you considered that maybe because you consider yourself ugly, that you just don't believe when others say you are beautiful. I remember people telling me that all the time when I was younger and I never believed it. Looking back, I realize they were telling the truth, because I was a beautiful young woman. Maybe this is your case.

I thank you for taking time to write for me, I was never a truly beautiful person. I was literally an ugly young woman and child. I was disliked because I was ugly inside and out. Nobody told me I was beautiful.

Today I find that I have become, perhaps a more beautiful person on the outside. Inside I am beautiful if I need to be but am black at the core.

Hopefully the EP me will be released into the world and people I meet and know will love me for what I am not what I want them to think I am.

Maybe you contradict yourself, because you are trying to find yourself. Just a thought. I remember looking in the mirror and not knowing myself, because I had spent a lot of my life reading people and telling and acting the way I thought they wanted me to be. I really hope you are able to look into yourself and see the good that others may see.

I think it is easy for adult survivors of abuse to go through periods of life feeling ugly. When my sister was a young girl, she was told by her abusers the reason why was because she was ugly. I was told that it was my fathers fault because I was pretty. We're sisters, we came from the same mold OK. I had a friend I admire very much who has two daughters who believed they were ugly because they were very very dark skinned. Their skin was not brown but black. Every day her daughters were taunted and belittled because of the darkness of their skin. And the school they were in were mostly of the Afro American race. Now my friend being a good loving Mother grew concerned for her daughters budding self esteem and took her girls to a new city and introduced them to a new school where the children grouped around her daughters and expressed how much they all thought the two girls were the most beautiful girls they had ever seen. She moved and enrolled her daughters into that school where her daughters became very popular, happy and their positive self confidence grew because of their exceedingly black beauty. If this is what you meant by you being black at the core then I think you need a change of scenery or something because you are buying a lie about yourself. A lie my friends daughters could have bought about themselves if she hadn't had intervened and moved when she did. Look at all the colors God has made and all the colors has shades upon shades creating beautiful colors. How can anyone say that a color does not belong or is less unique than another. I am not sure by your statement if you were referring to your skin and that's why I decided to share. Doesn't matter, even if I interpreted your message wrong, You are not ugly. It is impossible for you to be ugly because we are all made in Gods image, that would mean that God is ugly. That's just a lie your soul has bitten probably from your youth. You are beautifully made.

If you find the answers, make sure you tell everyone because its the theme song of this place. For what its worth, I'm cheering for you and don't believe the negatives things you list here.

I treasure your friendship. I am true and honest here, I contradict myself a lot in my words, I just write how I feel at the time.

Comments help, my circle here helps, you help.


I'm always happy to try and help.