Rejecting MeI do not consider myself beautiful or clever. My body is it's age. I have self confidence issues and no matter what I do I cannot ever truly love myself. I have a wall around me that protects me from harm. I am truly ugly on the inside.
I have some really beautiful friends that tell me I am beautiful, assure me I am kind and nice. I even have a few that have told me they love me. I know they are lying, but the fact they say it makes me feel better. It is impossible to love me. I do not deserve the love. I am unloveable.
Rejection is something I have coped with my whole life. I was never one to be popular, I was always the weird one. I was the poor one, the abused one.
Now I find myself that child again. It doesn't matter what I do. I cannot escape it. she comes back to haunt me. Tell me I am ugly and worthless.
I hate rejection. If I open up to someone, I want their full attention. I want them to be there and approve of what they see. I need them to tell me they approve. To listen to me, to want to be my friend, to desire me.
My wall is crumbling, I find myself loving too easily these days, clutching at people, needing them to like me. I try not to be anything I am not. I however do. I become the chameleon, changing to suit your mood, just to be accepted. I need approval that I am no longer a victim, that I am worth knowing.
If I do not see the person I am trying to gain approval from, if they do not message me, call me or contact me, I believe they have tired of me. I obsess, I worry.
I have found that EP is the only place I can actually be me. I have many faces, they are all the true me. There is the lustful me, the kind me, the loving me, the understanding me. It is however, always me!
Only in real life, in person, do I find I am different. craving the acceptance. How do I make the EP me the real me? how can I open up in life and accept that not everyone has to like me for me to like myself?
living4now 41-45, F 10 Responses 6 Feb 17, 2013