It's Come To A Point Where I Can't Even Function Normally Sometimes

Most people don't or can't understand what it's like to feel ugly ALL THE TIME. A lot of the time, most people just think I say I'm ugly for attention, and this is not the case at all. Trust me, I wish I could NEVER know the feeling of feeling ugly. I wish I would never have to feel this way. Do they honestly believe I want to feel this way ? I have cried myself to sleep on many occasions, and not just nights, even during the day. I have contemplated suicide because I feel like I'll never get anywhere in life because I'm not attractive. It's come to a point where I can't even function normally sometimes. I'll be at work and I'll see my reflection in a mirror and I look horrendous. It totally throws me off and for a few minutes, all I can think about is if people are looking at me and judging me and talking about how ugly I am. I have to force myself to go out with friends to a club when I really don't want to. I'm tired of seeing all my attractive friends get hit on and groped and no one paying attention to me. I'm tired of having to fake smiles and pretend I'm having a good time when all I want to do is cry my eyes out. I'm tired of crying secretly at clubs when I'm with friends (I literally hide my face and cry when they're not looking at me and when they look back at me I quickly wipe my tears away and smile as if nothing is wrong). I've become so good at faking being happy when other people are around because no one wants to hang around a downer, and when it comes down to it - no one really cares. I wish society wasn't so superficial, but hey, reality is harsh and there's really nothing I can do about it.

Feeling/being ugly is crippling. I'm afraid one day it might be too much for me to handle. I can only stay strong for so long.
AusMu AusMu
31-35, M
2 Responses May 10, 2012

p.s. you don't look ugly at all xx

I have been told from both my parents and professionals that I suffer from BDD. Thank you by the way for that nice comment. Makes me feel a bit better even for a minute, and that means a lot. :)

But yeah, I have been told I suffer from BDD. I went to rehab for an eating disorder 5 years back and recovered pretty well. I still struggle with it sometimes, but I have help with that now and I let in support. I guess coming on Experience Project and telling my story helps me in way. It lets me tell my story and how I feel, and I can also read other peoples stories and relate to them, and maybe some people can relate to me as well. I have recently thought about getting more professional help for my BDD. I was bullied a lot in high school and was called ugly almost everyday, amongst other things. I'm pretty sure it has to do with that, but maybe if I talk to a professional more about, I might discover more.

Thanks for reading and commenting my story. :)

Hey, you may be suffering from BDD- body dysmorphic disorder and you may find it beneficial seeing a professional. I know you don't want to hear this, but external appearance means nothing whatsoever. I ve seen many corpses (as part of my degree) and i seriously every single one of us will just amount to nothing physically. Seriously beauty means nothing at all; anyone and everyone i have ever liked, I've liked for the person they are inside and what qualities they have and the way i feel in their presence- i may find them comforting, funny or insightful- physical beauty has never really touched me from within and i believe i speak for many.<br />
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Good luck and stay strong <br />