My Story.

I was brought up never to use the "H" word ("hate").

So, naturally it feels wrong for me to join a group that begins with 'I hate..."

However, my family have had a battle with cancer our whole lives.
I am incredibly close with my immediate family. It consists of my Mum, my Dad (who have been married almost 25 years) and my baby brother who is about to turn 17 years old. When I was 5 and my brother was 6 months old my Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. I've heard about it my whole life but obviously I don't remember the ordeal considering I was only 5 years old.

It was breast cancer, Stage 3 which spread slightly to her lymph nodes in her underarms. She had to undergo a masectomy, chemotherapy and a whole lot of additional emotional and physical pain. Those who have had closed loved ones with cancer will most likely understand what this would have been like. My Mum overcame it through positive thinking, meditation and alternative medicine in addition to her chemo and surgery and traditional medicine.

My entire life my parents have been slightly weird. I've never been to the doctors. We don't have private health fund or a family GP. My Mum's logic was: 'If I don't go to the doctors, they won't find anything bad, therefore I won't have anything bad". (A very warped and dangerous logic).

Mum discovered her second breast lump (in her remaining breast) exactly two years ago just after my Uncle died.
She refused to burden anybody else with this. She had mentally decided that other people's wellbeing and emotional stability was more important than her health and her life.

She finally spilt the bad news to my Dad this past Sunday night. Dad and Mum told me the following morning. Mum had found another lump. I knew this was their biggest fear as my whole life both my parents had occasionally described the past ordeal to me. Dad had told me how the doctors told him my Mum had only months to live.

I remember Dad's words in the car 3 days ago. 'Jibs (my nickname), there's a glitch in the Matrix', he said. In all honesty, my immediate thought was that they were getting a divorce. Things had been weird the past 12 months. Mum had been sleeping on the lounge a lot, etc. Then they told me. I was cool, calm and collect. They told me it was just a breast lump. I thought, 'no worries, Mum's been there, done that. A lot of my friends' mum's have also been there, done that. It's commons but easily overcome'.

Two days later we found that Mum also had a tumour on her spine and in her lungs, along with fluid on the lungs.

Now I'm shattered.
The breast lump didn't seem like a big deal. I was feeling positive about it. As soon as I found the tumour has spread, I researched as much reliable info as I could on the internet. Much to my disapproval a lot of the info i found was incredibly negative. Apparently it's a virtual death sentence. . . Once it's spread. The doctors don't even consider healing a Stage 4 Metstasis (or whatever it's called) cancer; their only goal is to prolong the patient's life and improve their remaining quality of life.

This is a very hard reality for me to deal with.
I'm not exactly sure what I'm meant to do.
Mum has immediately stopped any stressful activity. Dad and I make all her meals. She's gone vegan and organic. My boyfriend has been exceptional. Although he's currently complaining for me to turn out the light and 'come to bed'.

I can't help the anxiety. I can't deal with the potential premature death of my mother. I am so close to my family. I cannot imagine surviving without my Mum. She may not die, and hopefully she won't. I have full faith and positivity that it won't resort to that but I realise for my own good that I have to be realistic.

I need support. I have it from my boyfriend but noone else.
I don't really care about me right now though. I care about my Mum, and my Dad and especially my little bro. I feel so helpless and out of control.
I just want to make everything better.
BettyValentine BettyValentine
22-25, F
3 Responses Jul 10, 2010

P.s. Are you personally seeing anyone i.e. psychologist or therapist? I had never dreamt of seeing someone like that until now. My doctor suggests it's good for close members of cancer sufferers to see a psycholgist. I feel overcome with emotion on a daily basis. I feel depression, anger, guilt, anxiety...just to name a few. My doc said it would be good for me to be able to talk to someone who is not a family member of friend (someone separated from the situation). Or do you keep a journal? i'm thinking about starting a journal, purely to benefit my own mental and emotional wellbeing. We have to take care of ourselves as well!

Honeybee, thankyou so much for your comment. Sometimes it's nice to know that others are experiencing the same as you. It must be hard for you being so young, and your boyfriend, dealing with this immense struggle. I promise you both you can get through it and overcome it. It's a tough and long battle but we can win. <br />
<br />
I wish you the best in the future and my thoughts are with your partner.

hey there<br />
wow ur story is sad, but at the same time uplifting! I to am battling with cancer (i dont actually have it my bf does). He has stage four bowel cancer and he's only 22. Its the hardest thing to do coz he's the one i go to for emotional support and strength and now i have to be his rock and my problems dont seem to matter. I wish everyday in a way it was happening to me so i could have him doting on me.. my head is filled with so many emotions n thoughts its crazy! I keep thinking about the future and what will happen to me. Its so hard to continue normal life when this is happening.. :/