Cancer Is Stealing Everything

In 11/2011, much to our surprise, my husband 49 years old was diagnosed with High grade, Stage 4 Colorectal Adenocarcinoma with mestasis to his lymph nodes and liver. A darkness enveloped us as I have never experienced before even though I've lost many to cancer including my beloved Mother. It has been a fight for the last 14 months and we just went through radiation, which was a hell all its own and we have to go through it again soon. We've been through 21 rounds of chemo, avastin and surgery and my husband has faired very well for a person with stage 4 cancer. I feel angry because the Doctors won't talk to me at all. I realize that no one knows the time of someone's death but God, however, it would be nice if they could at least give me some information. I feel alone because no one wants to talk about the possible reality, even my husband and my husband keeps telling me he is not going to die. But, in my heart, I feel he is going to die and we should spend time talking about it instead of pretending like it isn't going to happen. I'm scared, I'm angry, I feel broken inside. I love my husband with all my heart, we've been married for almost 14 years and my dream was to grow old with him. He's my best friend, my sweetheart, my one and only real love and I'm very afraid to be in this world without him. My world will be black and white, all the color, the hopes and dreams I had are gone. Our financial well being is gone and I will face not only losing the love of my life, but our home and everything else too. Wisconsin is a community property state, so even though I have managed to keep my credit perfect, I will face Bankruptcy to pay off all the medical bills and residual credit card balances that are in his name. He made some mistakes and there is no money, no life insurance....nothing. So, because of this, I was basically accused of not loving my husband because of course, I'm concerned about the future. The accusation hurt me deep in my soul and so, I keep to myself a lot. It's a dark, rainy, uncomfortable place which entails getting up before the sun rises, working very hard every day at my job, cleaning and caring for my husband as much as he will let me. He is still mobile and he can still do everything for himself. I promised him I would not take that away from him (his Independence). Anyway, it has been 14 months and from everything I've read he'll be fortunate to make it to 18 months let alone 5 years. We were trying to plan a little vacation together for May, but the Oncologist said, well...you'll have to wait and see where you're at and if you buy plane tickets, insure them. My husband's CEA (cancer activity) numbers went from 19 to 36.1 after radiation. From what I understand, that means the cancer is recurring, although, it never really went away. I'm sad, I'm scared, I'm angry and I don't know what to do. I HATE Cancer.
An Ep User An EP User
2 Responses Jan 20, 2013

Yes, I just watched someone I care about die from an aggressive form of prostate cancer, his wife is grieving big time this week, as it only happened 2 weeks ago.
I have an Aunt with lung cancer in remission
and a father with bladder cancer
and another friend with a bone cancer.

Seems like a fvcking epidemic!

Best wishes for your husband and you too!

I know some of your pain. Hugs.

We should talk.