Am I Ready For This?

Ok, I had to stare at this screen for over 5 minutes before I could even think of a title.  It'll be 4 years in June.  My mom was 63, a very youthful and full of life 63.  She passed away from Cancer.   She called me just before Easter that year, she told me I needed to come over for Easter dinner, but she decided to tell me on the phone first.  She said "I want you to listen to everything I say before you react"  I agreed.  She then told me she had Breast cancer but the prognosis was good.  So I took time off of work and went to the DR with her.  they did a lumpectomy and also took out the sentinal node to see if the cancer had spread to the lymphatic system.  There was a trace there, so they had to remove a few more to test them... CLEAR!!! We were so exited.   Weeks later, I get a call from work saying that my mom was in the Hospital again.  I took off from work and went to see her.  She looked good.. other than that goofy oxygen mask.  I figured it was just exaustion from the Chemo or something...  I found out the Cancer had spread to her lungs.  There it was on the xray, a black spot about the size of a quarter but they couldn't do a whole lot since she was on Chemo.  This was in mid to late May.  A few weeks later Mom was in the hospital again.  I went once again to see her.  In that short time the Cancer had ravaged her left lung and spread to her right.  That was when my Mom, the strongest woman I know looked at me and said " I'm scared"  I can't even think of that moment without crying.  This is the woman that had buried a son who passed away at 11, and her husband of 35 years... and put up with me for almost 28 years (I had to put that in there to amuse myself for a second)  When they intebated her, her left lung collapsed and she went into a coma.  For 3 days I stayed in her room.  My brother was contacted and I had to make the decision to take her off of life support.  I was in a room with my Brother and his wife, My Mother's Aunt and my Grandmother while we talked to my mother waiting for her to take her last breath.  I kept praying for some miracle that she would start breathing better and be ok.  I can still picture her shallow breaths, and then one big breath...  My Mother Passed away surrounded by love.  My last words to her were "We'll be ok, go be with Dad now, I love you"  I still sometimes think that I should call her, or think I should ask Mom... and she's not there..   Cancer took her away from me too soon.   She had SO much more life in her.  And I wasn't even 30 and I had to bury My Mom after burying my father 2 weeks before my 21st Birthday.    This has been the hardest thing I've ever had to write.  I haven't dealt with her death fully yet I don't think....  This is a huge step for me.   She had also lost her best friend to Cancer a few years before, someone else that I was very close to and thought of as an aunt.   I F*****G Hate Cancer and don't understand why it's here...  I think it's a cruel sick joke that someone has been playing on us far too damn long. 

BlasphemousAngel BlasphemousAngel
31-35, M
2 Responses Apr 1, 2009

Thank you very much. It was pretty hard to write this. I think it's sad that we haven't figured it out, and I know they are trying but scientists also devote a lot of time to really pointless things. If you look up some of the studies that our government has given grants for it angers me so much. When that money could also be spent on at least finding a way to keep the cancer cells from spreading.

sorry to hear about this... cancer robbed my poor classmate of her mother when she was 18. When we were classmates, she always talked about how she wanted to be a doctor to treat her mother and told about how her mother sadly threw away clumps of her hair out of the window while undergoing chemotherapy. Cancer also robbed my father's friend of their relatives.. other friends of their cousin... loved ones. Until now, nobody really knows why cancer strike certain people and proved fatal. Until now, the world of western medicine still haven't found a sure cure for cancer. I pray all these would be changed in future. *huggs*