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The Victim Mentality

My story is rather short.

Enter one single relatively attractive woman. She meets a man who she thinks is single.

They sleep together. She falls in love.

He tells her she's married or in a committed relationship.  The standard lines go like this "I love you darling, but I have small children.  My wife doesn't sleep with me any more.  When the children are grown up, I swear I'll leave her" (ditto women towards men)

She continues the relationship.

Is she a victim or....................

Any thoughts on this?
stephaniebis stephaniebis 56-60, F 11 Responses Dec 4, 2012

Your Response


From that point on she is making an informed decision. Stay or go. The assumption is that he will never leave his wife and she is no more than a booty call on the side. If this guy treats his wife so poorly, so too will he treat his girlfriend. Like a bad financial investment, the time comes to cut your losses and move on.

I don't believe it when a man says he doesn't get "it" from wiffy, I think he just says this to keep you hooked,,does she know about you because if she ain't giving that then she wouldn't mind him getting his?

This woman does not want her ego bruised even though she knows what she is doing is wrong. Women like to go after "wanted men" because it makes them feel important. They do not think of the wife here who is the real and. Only victim, plentY of sing
E men out there she can get but insists on going after the married men to satisfy their ego...very delusional and dangerous

she is a fool, and almost as bad as he is, the original meeting I can understand, but the continuation of the affair... How would she feel if she was the wife at home.... Men seldom leave their wives.... even though they promise do, so while she is a victim, she is also in charge of her own fate, and needs to know that it is going to end badly... If he really cared about her, he would not put her through it all...

Going to have to agree with KB. She found out the truth and stayed. Too bad for her. There are so many single, intelligent, wonderful men. Why waste her time?

While she may have gone into the relationship unaware, when she found out the truth she chose to remain in it. She is not a victim but a willing participant!

However, one the subject of victim mentality, I found out that when I think if myself as I victim, I am a victim. Only when I change my thinking am I no longer a victim!

Possibly. But my question was more specific. Thank you for your contribution anyway.

Theres always going to be the 'my wife doesnt understand me' type of man. Young women do fall for it, its naivety but they would never believe that.

Idon't know if this is about you or not....younger women are easy to dupe, but vulnerable older ones are even easier. If this is you, one would think that at your age, you are not that naive. He won't leave his wife and his children for you. You put yourself in this situation and you are no victim. It takes ALL of $15 and 15 min on the Internet to find out if the guy is married or not (Public reords) If he is, then GET OUT of his life, even if he calls you, he is a cheater and you are losing time and the opportunity to actually meet someone real. I am the wife of someone like that. After 26 years of marriage and three children, I found out my husband had an addiction that lasted 8 years. He went out with women even older than me (49), or a couple of years younger. All these vulnerable women that wanted to believe his story. He took advantage of them, with only ONE purpose: S-E-X. He was nice enough to slowly retrieve and move on to his next conquest, so just one woman called me once, and I believed his is is completely cured and doing everything he should have done before, paying attention to his family, to me, going to therapy....he was a sick man, too bad he hurt me more than anyone ever, ever had, and that I won't ever see him the same way...the pain is just not ever going away, I will learn to live with this though. Don't be the other woman, value yourself more, since it's obvious he doesn't.

Thanks for your contribution. No, it isn't my story but I thought it was pretty useful to put this story on, for those who fall for it. All feedback is very welcome.

Patagonia 1 I truly respect what you said here and appreciate a true, from the heart , glimpse of how a spouse feels when this happens to them. Unfortunately there are women and men who prey on people who are in a relationship. It makes them feel powerful to "snag" a person committed in a relationship. Not just helpless , naive people out there or people who have fallen in love or are the dependent type. I have been following God's word The Bible since I was 12 years old ,with the Lord's help. I take very seriously the 10 commandments. I have found this saves a lot of heart ache from happening but unfortunately when others have illnesses or problems or choose to treat others with disrespect then the hurt falls on us and our families. Also sooner or later on them also. I have deep regret for the ways I have hurt others . Not necessarily in sexual ways but other ways. I am so pleased to hear your husband received help for his illness, and is making a commitment to you and your children. Thank you for sharing with us your story and pain, and I would like to thank stephaniebis for putting the scenario out here for others to respond too.

She doesn't need to ponder whether or not she is a victim. She needs to get out of that relationship.

"She continues the relationship."

She may have started as a victim, but that line of the story makes her an equal participant in her own exploitation. She's now an accomplice.

Well I can't tell from the story since it isn't complete. You can't fall in love immediately..
At what point did they sleep together and when did she find out he was married... So my question is didn't she think something was wrong if they didn't see each other all the time .. Was he always available did she go to his house etc.
gut tells me accomplice.. She must have guessed something was not par en par. But hopefully she stopped it the minute she found out.. Then she's a strong moral woman who would never be second best to anyone.