I Was Abused Too.

My only parent, my mother , started to abuse me since I was a very young child. She would hit me all the time just with a plain hand in my face. I was not even three years old. When I was 3 years old , I realized for the first time that my mum was hitting me too much. I could not really understand it,since I was only three. I did not understand why I was so alone,why no-one was ever visiting us. I saw children in the street playing at the kindergarden across the home but they were so abstract. I could never join them or understand what they were doing,because mum would never let me play outside or she would never had any visitors. I had a stuffed animal and that was my mum , because the stuffed animal would not hit me and would love me. It was not saying anything to me, but it was not hitting me either. I told my mum that the stuffed animal was my mum,because the rabbit does not hit me. All my mum did,was telling me how stupid I was and that I was saying stupid things.  I was three and I tried to tell it the best way I could that she was hurting me,but she would just ignore that. I then remember how she ignored me when I had pain in my body for some reason (caused by her) and I was screaming and yelling and increased my sounds when she would not even help me. I realized that my screaming and crying was out of ordinary and I did not understand why neighbours were not doing anything (I was still three). Then after hours so it seemed to me, she would come upstairs and before I even got a chance to say anything , she would hit me right in my face and abandoned me.  We then moved to a new place and I felt very bad. I was very unhappy,since I just turned four and was even more aware of her hitting. Whenever she was mad, which she was a lot,she would turn to me and hit me. She would always hit me where it hurts the most,but then I moved in all directions trying to avoid she could hit me where she used to hit me , but then when she could not hit me in the way she was used to,she would just hit a plain hand right in my face across my eye. My skin was red,my eye was burning and I was completely stunned. Then I rebelled by ripping out the pages of a book and I received another hitting. I told my mum , mum you are abusing me,all she did , was saying , you know what , if you don't stop saying that now,I will really abuse you,and you deserve it because you are such a bad child nobody loves you. Whatever I did trying to let my mother see what she was doing,did not work and she could just go on. Whenever she had her boyfriend coming by,she would lock me up by putting a chain at my door. If I just tried to get out,she would storm into my room,give me some hittings and lock me up again. My room was always a mess because it was just representing my situation,what it was,just a mess and disorder. Around this time,I was not only abused by my mother,but being bullied by most of the children in my neighbourhood as well. They would always threaten me blackmail me to steal money and I was being punished for that at home. They would always make a group and hitting me all at the same time, almost everyday I faced a group of ten children all hitting me at the same time. I remember from three occasions I could not even walk because my lower leg was full of bruises and swollen. I told my mum , but she just said to me I was being silly and I should just be walking. I was nearly crying but she just ignored. I was aware that totally strangers often showed more compassion to me than my own mother,but at the same time,I was aware of the fact that they did not know what to do,how could I know? I was just a child and I did all I could to try to let my mother see what she did. She would never spent time with me,just dropping me off at the swimming pool and leave me alone for hours and pick me up later at the day. I was eight years old and I happened to be in the swimming pool at the exact moment these children were there. They would drag me under water and keep me there. I saw bubbles around me and I thought I was going to drown. I fought back and I managed to get out of their hold. I told them I almost drowned,they just said to me , well who cares...? At that exact moment,my world was shattered. I lost faith , faith that I was a good child,faith that there must be at least someone loving me,even I had never known such a person,I always believed there must be someone out there,somewhere. But now , I even lost that faith and I was totally broken and hurt,I felt shattered inside. I was eight and heavily depressed. I not only got abused at home,but in my neighbourhood and at school. Children at school hit me all the time. The teachers saw but they ignored,whenever I did something back to protect myself,I was being punished,they did well in convincing me that it was all my fault,I was being the bad child,and I deserved everything that happened to me. When they got tired of me,they would just lock me up in a spare room for the rest of the day. It was so dusty that my longs were hurting. I told my mum but she would not do anything about it. At a certain point , they would sent me away,and I felt beaten , I tried so hard to be strong,to withstand the all the pain,I di dnot want them to win,but now I felt beaten since I was the one bing sent away,in a way I was the one being punished.

But the place I was taken to,was a good place. For the first time in my life,it was the other way around,now i was the strongest and I started to hit children back. But instead of punishing me for it,they told me that what I was doing was not good and that I was hurting children and I could not do that. They never punished me,they just lectured me and I was totally surprised,I did not know something like that excisted , I only knew punishment and hitting. For the first time in my life,I saw it could be solved difrently,and I accepted it very well. I never hit the children again and things were finally better,except for the fact that my teacher was having troubles at home and he took his stress to school. Another boy and I were the ones to suffer from his distress, He would take us and twist our arms. He twisted my arms about three times,twisting it till it could not move any further and it hurts. I requested to change class,but that just seemed to be impossible (nothing so impossible ,just replacing a child). No , they never wanted to do that , and I know if they did,it would have helped me. Instead they sent me away ,and the other kid too. They just put a deadweight on my shoulder , because they were sending me to a school full of children from the same background and it was total hell. There has never been a schoolplace in which I was more beaten , threatened and blackmailed than this school. They hit me and I was left with  blood in my face,they kicked me so hard in my head that I lost consciousness,and all of the while I was just trying so hard to be a good student so that I could learn as much as i could to be succesfull in life. Since no-one payed attention to me , I wanted to become succesfull so that people would see me. I took my stress at home and received my mother beatings there. She could not handle me , she would grab my hair,pulling me against the ground,dragging me over the carpet leaving my skin burnt,she would then hit me and kick me and sent me away. When I was 15, I decided I could not bear this life any longer and I ran away. They put me in a system of (child protection?) don't know what that is. I begged them,please please let me spent the last years of my childhood at a good place,I want to live where people take care of me,where they can love me. All they told me was, that is not possible because there are no foster parents that want you,you are 15 and they want three years old. Again it felt like I was being punished again. Instead of providing a good place,they moved me to another city and put me in an orphanage. The history with children repeated , now they did not abuse me physically , but mentally. The staff could not handle me and just punished me. I can remember that day October 1st 1999. I just received the worst of mental abuse and something came over me,I don't even remember what happened,like I was in a dream or something,I walked over to the roof and stood there , 12 meters under me and all I wanted was jumping down and killing myself,I had thought of it so many times,shall i just jump in front of a train,what shall i do,shall i just take many pills? But before I could even make the choice,the staff pulled me back and yelled to me like crazy. Just two days later,they kicked me out , just one week before I would get my degree (which I managed to get anyway). And I was forced to live with my mum again. She never hit me again,but I hated living with her. Then I was being placed from temporary foster care to another , untill, when I just turned 17,they brought me over to yet another child protection program. It was the first good thing. I would get my own room and I would be supervised,they helped me getting the house clean and doing the stuff I had to do. It was the first time in my life in which I had some sort of stable home. Ofcourse there were other children that lived in the same apartment and not everyone displayed a talent for taking others needs into consideration. Some just turned up music at 3 in the night while I still had to go to school the very next day. But I could handle that after what I had been through. Now that the worst of stress was finally over,I had the time to start trying to heal and to learn. All of the memories were like a movie flashing on and off and I started to develop an eating disorder. In the end I weighted only 49 kilograms while I should be weighting about 60. I just could not stand any food and whenever I tried to eat some,I could not hold it and I felt so so sick inside. I was used to feel bad mentally,but now I was physically sick.  Then I developed a burn out and I thought one day I would die from it. I could not even sit down and write a letter because I would feel completely drained. I could live her for about a year , then the people who had the rooms did not want to do it anymore and I lost my room,again I was forced to go back living with my mum,and she threatened me all the time,I had to find a home in six weeks before I would be 18 or she would just kick me out on the streets. And I was convinced,that after all i had been through,having to live a life on the streets would really kill me. Then in the end I got my home,which was in 2001. I never had any childhood and yet I was thrown into living the life of an adult while I had absolutely no idea how to help myself. Now I finally got my own income,I started to fill the emptiness inside by buying all kinds of stuff for myself and just forgetting to pay the bills and I got really into depth problems. Now that problem is solved. And I try to do the best I can to get my life back on track,trying to heal the wounds and scars and I want so deeply to prevent any child abuse in the future. I have no sympathy at all at parents who do this,and I even think their feelings in such cases does not count at all,child wellfare is the most important,and how a parent is feeling is not even important at all. I don't care about a parent that loses his child to child protecting service,not at all. A child is the most important,not a parent.

In the future I hope I can do really good things to help children. I know what it is like,and no child should have to go through that. No one.

Written by Ashantaey.
*Ashantaey is not my real name*.
ashantaey ashantaey
22-25, F
Aug 6, 2007