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Motherhood Is Not An Ambition

My older half-sister is an idiot who has three adult children who don't respect her.  Why?  She was never there for them while they were growing up.  It was more important for her to get to the next party, the next drug and her next drink. She's always had a problem with me because I refused to finance her lazy lifestyle, but even more than that was because I didn't join her in her misery and have children.  If I did have children, I would have had them all by one man, not three, like she did. 

One of her kids, her second daughter, has four kids because like her mother, she constantly makes poor choices in men and doesn't believe in birth control.  Several years ago, my niece made a comment to me that indicated that I was getting old and I should "just go ahead" and have a kid.  So I can join her on the just-above-poverty-line she's been on since she had her first out-of-wedlock sprog?  I don't think so.

My own mother, who admitted to my younger siblings and I that she only had kids because she was married, was on me about providing grandchildren to her.  "Are you going to help take care of them?" I asked, knowing full well she wouldn't.  She kept hoping for the day we all turned 18 so she could legally put us out of her house.  After I had made one too many comments about not appreciating the annoying, foolish, etc. things that kids do, Mom snapped, "Okay, we all know you don't like kids!"  She's just mad because she can't be like the other old women who coo incessantly about their grandchildren.  Oh, and she doesn't acknowledge my older half-sisters' kids, since my half-sister is not biologically her daughter.

I am so glad I don't have maternal instincts.  I can't imagine wasting part of my life chasing motherhood than wasting the next part of it dealing with kid problems.  My older half-sister can't comprehend being childfree because of her drug and alcohol muddled brain, and my mother is jealous of me because I was brave enough to follow through with a choice she wanted but didn't take. 

Now I'm going through perimenopause.  Haven't seen my period in months, and I don't miss it.  Maybe now people will stop asking when I'll have kids or say things like, "Don't rule out ever having kids!"  My biological clock has officially wound down, thank goodness!

 

Shorty8 Shorty8 46-50, F 12 Responses May 26, 2008

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This is a difficult situation. Because kids are a product of their environment. Your sisters kids grew up in a dysfunctional home and that is all they knew, so they think that life is normal. If you are a horrid parent, you will produce rotten kids 9 times out of 10. Had your sister been a better parents, knew her priorities, your nieces and nephews could have grown up Into productive members of society.Sad really. Bad people spawning kids And then ruining them.

I totally agree with you.

Wow ... I didn't grow up in a family - I grew up as an only child (no biggie). I too am stubborn and darn proud of it. I had my tubes tied when I was 22 years old and never took any chances before doing that. The best way to describe my background is similar to the movie "Mommy Dearest" (with Joan Crawford). The old man did the beatings, the old lady did the emotional abuse. Their son (they had two) did the sexual violation when I was 3 1/2. I knew when I was 6 years old that I would never have kids and I would have done anything to get rid of it if need be. I never put myself in that position and I know I would not have had any regrets in doing what needed to be done if it had to be done.

I hope you are doing okay going through Menopause. I had also had a partial Hysterectomy in 1989 - no more periods, but I still have my ovaries and they still had their timeline. Dumb Doctors !!! I got through Menopause with 1000mg of Evening Primrose Oil (available in Vitamin Shops) and also using Black Cohosh. Sure made a difference and I still take the Evening Primrose Oil (1000 mg's) as a supplement and to help with my complexion. It sure made a difference of getting rid of the menopause symptoms, etc. I hope this may help you, or someone else as an alternative to taking Estrogen. It may not be for everyone, but it sure worked for me.

The one thing I am proud of in my life is the fact that I never got pregnant, I found a Doctor that listened to WHY I didn't want to have any kids and agreed to tie my tubes. I never wanted to fit into the stereotype of what other people expected. Not every female is cut out for that kind of thing. Kids should be wanted, not just had.

I love all of these comments. They are constructive and no woman, no matter what their view, is bashing anyone else. I grew up in a COMPLETELY dysfunctional family, I then eloped at 19 years old (that was not a bad thing at all, our marriage is still good after 18 years). My husband and I both had HORRIBLE examples of how to be a skilled or even somewhat good parents, but we still wanted 2 children. We had a blast our entire 20's and then when I was 28 I decided that I really didn't want children anymore, I really had wanted to try to start having kids at 24 and due to where we were at, at that time, the timing just wasn't right then ( we were in no way emotionally or financially prepared for kids and we knew it). I was over it and I was having way too much fun with life, I was fulfilled with many AWESOME pets at the time also, who I loved as if they were my babies! Well the hubs was not happy about this and still wanted to have a baby. So I agreed and at 30 we started trying and I got pregnant right away. <br />
Our daughter was a little stinker from the moment she came out of me!! They say you know if you have a strong-willed child from the moment they are born and I sure did know it. Don't get me wrong we always love her, but when she is good it is great, but the bad times we have had with her have overshadowed the good times. We considered divorce many times because of her (they say don't blame the kids, but we never had problems before having her like we have had in recent years). We even considered a shrink and meds. for her and family counseling. She most likely has some chemical imbalances, that runs all over both sides of the family. She is 6 1/2 now and things are finally getting a lot better as she is finally realizing that we will not tolerate any of her crap!! My husband loves the way I am with her, he always has, he thinks I am a great mom and he has jumped on board finally with my parenting style and that has helped a ton. She is just a difficult child and that is the main reason we are not having another one, but also finances, my health, and our house is too small for another child. So now yes, we get from people the " When you going to have another child and the What do you mean your only going to have one child and the No child should grow up an only child", until they see our daughter in action for awhile, only then do they get it. I have a very god friend, who has 4 children and she is has very high religious values and morales, and she said some of that stuff to me, she no longer says anything to me about it, she understands now. My daughter actually may be destined to do something great some day with the personality she has if she chooses to channel it in the right way, but my husband and I have no problem admitting she is all we can handle.

@Marla5: You're an awful mother.. see? You're pretty much saying you don't want her. You shouldn't have had her......

Wow, sounds like you would have been a crappy mother. Glad no kid got stuck with you. That being said, it actually sounds more like you have a problem with mothers/adults than with the children. You shouldn't blame children for all the world's problems.

Parents are part of the problem, too, and the older I get, the more I realize that parents with dismal child-rearing skills add to society's problems.

I would have been a better parent than most because I believe in the old-school methods of raising kids, which include spanking when warranted. Unlike most parents, I'm wouldn't have aimed to be friends with my kids instead of being the parent. And I sure as hell would not be intimidated and afraid of anybody that I have to provide a roof over their heads and feed.

Becky, you sound like a fat slob. It's so sad when people's only accomplishment is having a smelly brat. It's a far greater things to actually accomplish things rather than just shatting out sticky, mouth, crotch droppings. Get a life and go to a different board because we don't tolerate your kind here!

The "you'll change your mind one day...." rubbish annoys me terribly. I am an intelligent person with life experience and a good education and I know I never want kids. I respect children but neither want them or want to spend time with them. <br />
In today's world I feel that this is a responsible decision, which is personal to me, suits me and therefore should not be questioned.

I believe it is a responsible decision as well, and people should respect that.

Hi I feel exactly the same. Good for you for sticking to your own choices and living your life the way you want. <br />
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I don't have any maternal instincts either however my friends are all for having children and the response I get from them when I say I don't want any is "oh you'll change your mind one day". It irritates me to no end. <br />
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Its posts like these that remind me I'm not alone in my opinion and that yes we do have a choice about whether we want to have children or not.<br />
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Thanks for your post

There are people still telling me I'll change my mind, and I'm 50 years old and going through menopause. I often wonder where people's minds are at, but that's how our pro-natalist society runs, unfortunately.

I feel the same way you do but sometimes I do think, "will I regret it when my biological clock is no more?" Well, I'll find out then.

It is no more, and I'm very happy to experience menopause.

I don't have maternal instincts either! I actually really really hate children and people think I'm weird (sometimes, evil) because of it. It's just that for me they represent giving up my freedom, money, career and time. And that is not something I will ever be wiling to do. Great post. :)

I think that you are brave to break away from your mother and sister's messed up attitudes. I came from a family of nine kids. I could not imagine subjecting myself to that many pregancies. I wholeheartedly believe that there are many, many women that do not care for children but could never admit it. I LOVE my freedom and would never burden myself with a child.

It would be nice if more people had kids because they made a conscious and thoughtful choice to do so, rather than because they DIDN'T think about it.

I believe most do not think about it, and when the going gets tough, the abuse of the kids begins.

You'e absolutely right.

you're*

I enjoyed the story, and ericalee4's comment. Both are so thoughtful. I have no maternal instinct whatsoever and the idea of being a mother fills me with revulsion. One of my good friends has a mother who is of a very nasty sort, and she has turned out to be a great mother herself, and I have a lot of respect for her.

Having children is a choice, unfortanetly the wrong people choose to have them sometimes. Your choice not to have any is yours and only one you can make and kuddos to you for knowing what you want. I hope though that your experience with your mother and half-sister are not your only reasons for not wanting kids. I have 4 and each one was wanted and it was a choice I made and I love each of them. I didnt have the best mom either, actually she said some pretty terrible things to me growing up, and despite it all I knew that if and when I had kids my main goal was to be a better mom than her. I am glad to say I have succeded. Dont completley ban the idea of being a mom someday, kids are a reflection of their parents and if they are bad it is because they were taught or allowed to be that way. Not all kids are bad. You could turn out to be a pretty awesome mom. But like I said before the choice is yours and only yours. Have a great day!

I'm not having a child at 50 years of age (and I'm going through menopause). I wonder about women who are that old and have children. Thanks for your comments.