I Don't Want To Hate But I Can't Help It Anymore.I spose this is therapy somwhat.
I was raised christian until age 11 but my family wern't it was the fact that I went to a christian primary school and never questioned why I had to pray. When I reached my teens I My Gender Dysphoria came in full force along with my puberty while I asked the god I belived in at the time to help, Either by making me female or simply making me a real boy he didn't intervene so my weak faith was lost.
I'm a secular humanist and a liberal minded person. I saw christians as banal and irksome but I never hated them.
The trouble is where I've deal with my gender dysphoria 3 major incidents.
The biggest is the most recent... I moved into a different house for my final year of studies. With 3 other students whom I didn't really know, and with a landlord who decided to live with us whitch was odd.
At first the landlord thought I was female. I look female and I had a female name... He found out about my past when I had to hand him a document with my old name on it, He asked about it and I explained about myself... That was where the problems begun.
He mentioned how he had a big problem with me how spritually I was offensive to him and he wasn't comftorbal living with someone like me. I never wanted trouble I just wanted to finish my final year of my degree.
While I was friendly he became more hostile to me claiming I had a "toxic" spiritual energy and that I was somehow infecting him, He begun blaming various bad dreams he had on me, and be begun with name calling "he-she" "it" ect I didn't tell my other housemates I didn't want to cause trouble.
It culminated one night when I was cooking dinner where he basically just appeared and told me he was evicting me and wanted me out by the end of the week I had nowhere to go and I was terrified I tried to say how unfair this was but it just gave him the excuse he wanted.
He physically cornered me he weighs about 19 stone to my 10, And he was 6'4 to my 5'7 and would blast off on religious tirades about sodom and gorrimiah and how I was going to bring gods wraith upon the house.
I apologised to the housemates and I dissapeared that evening to someone elses house just to get away from the nightmare. The found out about what he'd been doing the sided with me and said that if I went they would all go it was nice of them they didn't have to. We found a new place it wasn't ideally suited but we had somwhere away from him.
Another incident was half a year ago now I went to a dentist and while he was initially happy to see me I could see his dentistry had a large number of christian artefacts in it. I was filling in a form before I became a registered paitent and I had to list the medications I was taking so I listed my HRT he asked why I was taking that and I explained about myself again, He suddenly became jaded and cold to everything I said he suddenly changed his mind and he wasn't happy treating "someone like me" how "it went against his religion" and he showed me the door.
The final incident was in the NHS itself the first doctor I told was a GP he was an older deeply christian man whom when I told him about how I was feeling told me that I was "spiritually unbalanced" and had a "sexual perversion." that the NHS dosen't treat pepole like me. His cruelty scared me so much that I didn't transition until 2 years later and I was so scared of doctors I only begun when I started self medicating.
These experiences led me to feel a great deal of fear about christians and hearing about them made me nervous, in order to try and overcome my fear I approached christian community through the relative safety of the online enviroment... 2/3rds of them were just as cruel and terrible as the pepole I encountered. I was nothing but open with myself and I posted a picture of what I looked like and I thought I was begin accepted by them I was invited to the "Female" usergroup but when they read bout what I said more they suddenly revoked this invite and kicked me out of it, In addition I got all sorts of pious preachy insults sent to my email they nearly unanimously agreed with the christians in the stories I told above when they begun drilling me for begin an atheist I told them there religon produced nothing but anger and they banned me for saying that... Short of easing my Christianophobia it rubbed dirt into the wound turning it into full fledged festering hatred.
I do I can't deny it anymore... I HATE THEM ALL I DISPISE THEM Whenever you try and defend yourself it gives them an excuse to play the victim and continue there attacks through some other means they hold poloticians in all sorts of offices and pretend to be helpless revolting... I want them to suffer just as I've been made to so they know what it's REALLY like to be a victim know the true sting of prejudice So they leave there horrid vindictive religion.
I read stories like this.
While I know they are begin disciminated against for there religion I LIKE it. I want more of them to suffer tho hurt more of them. make them suffer like I had to.
I know these feelings are bad and wrong. it's really much worse for me but I don't know how I can overcome this anger and hate Dispite what I might try I'm still frightened that I will bump into another one at some point who will be just as vicous and vindictive as my other attackers so I can't let got of my hatred.
:/ It's not good It's just as strong as love but so much darker.
Pebbles1726 22-25, F 3 Responses 0 Mar 1, 2011