Remembering Back

I hate Christmas.... and always have. It all stems from my childhood. My mother was and still is a Biach in the worst way. She was very abusive  both physically and emotionally to some members of my family including me. It is something I have never gotten over.

I remember recieving gifts at christmas time... gifts she knew I would never use... like a hockey stick. I am sure I got one of those every year for ten years even though she knew I would never use it. It ended up being used by one of my brothers. I remember recieving real nice gifts...  from my dads company christmas party. Without fail... I remember my mom... confiscating that gift; then a few months later giving it to a brother as a birthday gift.

After I left home and made a life for myself.. I eventually got married and have 4 children. I still hated christmas. Its a depressing time of year for me.

Remember Sesame Street? They have a christmas special called Christmas eve on sesame street? A song sung on that show became my theme song for life called I Hate Christmas sung by oscar the grouch.

I would sing that song at the top of my lungs when it came on. My kids never realized how much truth their was in that song to me. I always put on a brave face and a happy act.... but truely hate it.

My kids are grown up now... and left the nest.

They know my true feelings now.... and the whys.

A couple years ago I had a christmas I will never forget. It was a happy one... but sad too. My kids  all pitched in and bought me a home theatre package including the big screen television. When I opened that gift and saw what it was I broke down and cried. I bet I cried for an hour... I was in such shock and  it was the first time they had ever seen me react this way. I was so overcome with emotion.... so humbled to be recieving such a gift... that my kids worried about my reaction. It was after that.... I opened up more to them about my childhood.

I explained to them... why their grandmother never ever gave them cards or gifts... for christmas or birthdays. I explained how I was abused as a child and how it has affected me to this day. I am now in councelling... dealing with my past and present problems. Its a tough road... a long painful journey I am working on to put the past behind me.

baker998 baker998
56-60, M
9 Responses Dec 12, 2009

my children have turned me into hating Christmas. Im so thankful for my 4 grandchildren. My children have made me hate the moment with there attitudes and ungrateful ness. they dont like each other and who they fight infront of. they are in thier 30s. I don't just have a christmas tree, I put up 7 trees and make my living room into a Christmas forest. I decorate my house all the way into the basement. Ive tried to make a happy day foreveryone but they dont seem to get my efforts. The gifts they recieve are the ones they asked for. I used to do 2 christmases because one child would not come if the other did. My ex husband nevered made any emotion towards Christmas and I did all the decorating and shopping and baking alone. I was called a goof for my efforts. Weird but the baking vanished quickly after being told I was alousy cook. When the me and the kids were having fun it bothered him that we were happy and he woud start yelling at us and kick the dog to stop the fun. He loved his drinking. Should I say more. My son has never gotten over or devorse when he was 14. Hes 35 now. He told me hes hated Christmas ever since I devorsed his father and has hated it ever since. This is the last year I will everhave a Christmas. Its not worth the pain anymore. I hope my children realize whats happened next year when they will be celebrating alone.

it aint the worst life a child has sucome too. but i guess we all have our own coping methods etc.<br />
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good luckxx

i am very proud that u raise ur children in love bcuz most ppl with those past always end up repeating their past. may god be with u.

i am very proud that u raise ur children in love bcuz most ppl with those past always end up repeating their past. may god be with u.

umm. i grew up with parents that treated me like a room mate. i was an accident-well to them but not god. it never stuck with me-their opinion of me. Being unloved by parents(oh dont know my real mom) my brother was born and died 6 months later in a state facility. My dad buried him in an unmarked grave.<br />
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i guess my point is that you use the word hate alot. We can only blame our parents for awhile then learn from what they did and do it better with our own kids and grand kids.<br />
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i hope you dont hate anything much longer. it sucks the life out of you and you give the situation more power than it deserves.<br />
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blessings for healing of a broken heart.

Aww, God bless...

I feel your pain. Thank you for sharing.

Dear baker, your story touches me very profoundly. Despite the inadequacies of your own childhood you have raised four wonderful children who care deeply about you.<br />
Ten years a go I was in your current position. I went into a depression from which I was sure that I would never emerge. With the help of a compassionate psychiatrist and a wonderful therapist I was able to finally let go of the toxicity of my childhood.<br />
I hope it will be the same for you, baker, you so deserve to be happy.

My dearest friend, your story makes me cry. I have known your story for some time now but it never fails to bring me undone to hear about that little boy who was so badly hurt. <br />
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And yet who grew up to be one of the finest men I've ever known. . . . I hope you can recognise and appreciate what a truly GREAT job you have done in overcoming your brutal childhood.<br />
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Lots and lots of {{{hugs}}}.