I Want A Fresh Start

Looking back on it, I honestly don't know why I decided to go to a university six hours from home. I guess it's because both of my parents and most of my friends went away, so I always saw it as the 'normal' thing to do. But I was never excited about leaving. I just started feeling worse and worse as move-in day got closer-- I knew something was wrong, but it was too late to do anything about it. I felt trapped.

To be honest, moving away from home probably was the right choice to make, even if it was also the hardest. I've been borderline depressed for the month I've been here (god, has it only been a month!?), but that's taught me that I need to make changes in my life if I'm ever going to be happy. Growing up, I was always the shy, awkward, insecure one, and being put in this situation and feeling so miserable has helped me change that. But now all I want is a fresh start: I don't even want to like it here; I just want to go home.

I don't have many friends here (mainly because I was so shy at the beginning of the year)-- there are two girls I spend time with on a regular basis, as well as a few people I see once every couple of weeks. But I'm on good terms with the people in my residence, and I like everyone I've met. I guess I'm kind of setting myself up for failure though, because I complain about being lonely, but at the same time don't want to make more friends. I've basically got my heart set on transferring to a university back home and starting over, so I don't want to form any attachments to the school I'm at now. It'll be hard to leave my friends here, and I really do like them a lot, but I can't stand the idea of spending three more years on this campus.

And man, I hate it here-- I'm not a huge fan of the city, I'm so bored, and I really miss my friends and family back home. My last memory of seeing either of my parents in person is me standing there sobbing while my dad walked out of my dorm room. And while I can't wait for Christmas so that I can go home and see everyone, I'm also dreading it because I can't stand the thought of having to come back here when my two weeks are up.

In a weird way, I'm grateful for this experience. I know that it will be really important for me in the long run, because it's helping me figure out exactly where I want to go with my life, and who I want to be when I get there. But now I feel like I've figured it out, and I'm just stuck playing the waiting game in a place I can't wait to get out of.

Six months 'til summer. :/
holydoodle holydoodle
18-21, F
1 Response Oct 14, 2011

I feel exactly the same way! At my college, I had a pre-orientation in the middle of the summer where we would come to the campus and have a bunch of seminars. I knew after that experience that I hated the school, but it was too late. Once I got here, I tried to be optimistic, but I just hate it here. I am also 6 hours from home and in a city that I hate. I just went home for Thanksgiving and the day I left I just sobbed because I couldn't stand the thought of having to come back to college. Thanks for posting this because now I feel like I am not the only one in this situation.