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Soul Crushing Experience

I've heard many people say, "When you go to college, you go to find out who you are." I say that I already knew who I was, and that college made me completely lose myself.

I used to be a person who didn't care what anyone thought of me, who believed in myself to the fullest, and thought I could do anything! I had the highest self esteem of anyone I knew, I had tons of hobbies, and I can say I genuinely enjoyed my life.

Over the past couple years while I have been in college, I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like I have completely lost myself. I am constantly fighting with myself. Telling myself that I honestly deep down don't care what people think of me, but having to care. I have to care what my professors think about the work I do, and what grade I get, otherwise I don't pass. Even though I don't actually care if the professors like me or not.

I lost myself because I started getting extremely bad self esteem and getting depressed a lot. I would work on a project for 12 or more hours in a week, while juggling a full load of classes, and a 20 hour a week job. I would turn the project in, and my professor would take 5 minutes to crush me by putting a grade on my project. I started to think I was only as good as what the grades told me.

I had to work at a job for one of my classes, on top of my 20 hour a week job, that I hated. I had to pick a job that dealt with my major, and I hated it. The supervisor was terrible, they made me work 9 or more hours in one day without a break, and I was always too tired to do anything fun afterwards. I was even too tired to relax properly.

This job only sank me further down into anger, depressing thoughts, and terrible self esteem. A couple of months ago, I started crying uncontrollably almost every day. I finally was able to quit that wretched job for my class, but I am still down in the dumps.

These nervous breakdowns are all due to the fact that I hate college so much. I don't want to get up at all every morning because I dread the things I have to do for the day. Even on my days when I don't have to work, I still have to get up for class or homework. I had to sacrifice my Sunday!! My Sunday, the only day I have off, to meet with for a group project that only one of the other group members showed up for! 

I hate, absolutely HATE living life like this. College is crushing my soul. Some days I feel like I am dead inside. I cannot wait until I am out of this God forsaken, retarded, institution!!

dramaqueen82 dramaqueen82 26-30 4 Responses Oct 24, 2008

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I completely relate to your story and it's exactly how I feel. I don't know if it will get better... but I hope it does.

I hope you changed colleges.

It's funny, I pride myself on not caring about what people think, but damned if there isn't something about a PhD. grading you that makes you seek approval.

It's funny, I pride myself on not caring about what people think, but damned if there isn't something about a PhD. grading you that makes you seek approval.