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7 Years

and NO, i'm not a doctor. i'm still attending college and maybe will be for another year and half. NO degree whatsoever. sure, i took a year and half off, so maybe the total is only 5 1/2- 6 years, but still.

in the very beginning, maybe the first year, while at my community college, i might have liked it, since it was so different from high school. and i was going to go into psychology back then. i would love to be a psychologist, but it's not gonna happen. i switched my major to sociology with concentration on criminal justice, about three years ago. along with college, i had a marriage and a divorce, no kids.

it's like....i am SO focused on the idea that this degree will give me something in life. it's as if i feel i'm guaranteed a great job when i've got it, though i know that's not the case. but i also know that if i quit college, that i'd probably end up in some restaurant, working as a hostess or waitress;i'd be miserable. i'm so scared of what could happen if i don't finish, but i'm lacking the passion/drive/ the SOMETHING that i need to make me finish. i don't even know if i'll pass this semester.

i don't want to quit, also, for the sheer fact that i hate giving up on things. that's been a quality i admire in myself. i have perserverance. but honestly, is it all that great to just keep banging your head into a wall over and over again? that's what it feels like. i am not doing great in my classes, i never have. i've always done the bare minimum, sometimes not even that (i'm talking about the whole semester of classes i dropped when i was extremely suicidal one winter).

the pressure of school is especially hard for me. especially in the winter. especially with all my other stress factors (no money, going to work, emotional troubles). but then i worry about the REST OF MY LIFE and how much stress i'd have if i put myself in the position of having to work a minimum wage job, by not getting my degree.

right now i am writing in here rather than studying/writing for my class assignments due this tuesday/wed. i could do them right now, but just don't have the ambition.



starloree starloree 26-30, F Oct 26, 2008

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