I Hate Compliments

Undeserving!

By: HopefulDreamer1988

Written on January 15th, 2009

This group is definately for me! All my life even as a young child I have never, or i should say rarely, asked for anything, it came to christmas and birthdays and i didnt want anything. As I got older it stuck with me, i never want gifts, if anyone compliments me i go shy ..until i'm alone, in which then i will hurt myself and take it out on myself, or argue with my partner and blame him and fight with him. I've been okay for a few months, but i know when it's coming because i feel angry with no reason why, i get bitchy and depressive with everything around me. I calm down eventually it just takes a while...and it hurts because i seriously hurt my partner when i talk about myself the way i do, i won't go into details of what i remember but basically, he doesn't know if he'll talk to me again sometimes, he fears for me and for my life. Sometimes as well for our relationship, i put it on the line so much with this it is more than poor self esteem - i have even been to the doctors but, nothing can be done so i pretend it hasn't happened and move on! The way ive been calm over the last few months i would say eventually i'll get over it, i just wish i knew what triggered it so i could avoid it. The thing is - i think it's people that trigger it. The moment i put myself around people i lose myself and my mind. That terrifies me.

By: HopefulDreamer1988

Age: 18-21 , Female

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3 responses

jacobstevens

We had a good discussion on what's wrong with us. Let's have a discussion on what's right. We're better than this, and you know it. We are deserving. We are good. What was said before are lies. Let's stop listening. Let's stop telling ourselves lies, and start building ourselves up, and letting the people who love us in our life build us up, as well. Whaddayasay?

Feb 24, 2009
1 like
HopefulDreamer1988

I can admit I am glad you see it is not an attention seeking story, I do feel like I do that a lot - at school i was named a hypochondriac because I have really bad stomach issues and period issues, and i would be ill alot and because i can cope with pain but not enough to mope on it, people thought it was an excuse and it leads me to think maybe this is what I am. It's hard to differentiate certain things its definately hard to truly know if your after attention or not, sometimes i am but i dont tell stories like that to get it, i turn into a whingebag to my partner when i want attention lol. From what i have read, i wouldn't say you're writing this stuff for attention or doing it for attention, you don't have to experience anything to have issues like this - things stick on you and you're an emotional person (i'm assuming this sorry if i'm wrong but that would be my impression from what i've read). Of course knowing what you're going through i won't say don't be too hard on yourself, but if you don't believe what you're writing, how can anyone else believe enough to help? Belief in yourself is definately something you need, even if only a little.

Jan 15, 2009
1 like
jacobstevens

I think it's clear from the details and points of emphasis in your story that you don't do this for attention. I'm not so sure about myself, I actually have doubts that it's genuine, because when it happens I welcome the disparaging remarks, that aren't there, and so generate some myself. And I don't think I've been through anything to really justify having these kind of feelings. But the feelings of dread for the compliments I definitely don't generate. And the self-loathing I don't. I just somehow take it and turn it into a vicious, vindictive self-loathing instead of a pitying one.

Jan 15, 2009
1 like

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