**** Emotions!!!

As a child I was always told I should've been the "second son" because of how I have a good self esteem like my older brother. My brother and I are very similar but I (as strange as it sounds) don't really know him. We are about 6 years apart. My older sister and I fight quite often and it's annoying. My dad was the one saying the second son thing and also said I need to be the "older sister" to my older sister. I didn't really ever cry unless I was in great pain and I cried a lot when my brother abused me, he would then get annoyed at hearing me cry and come back to hit me a few more times to make me shut up (so my parents wouldn't hear and scold him). I've created a reputation that isn't really the best but isn't the worst, it's just known that I have crazy anger issues and don't cry. I was called many names before and when I would cry I was picked on a bit. I was also scared of crying because of my brother. Crying makes me feel weak and vulnerable and I despise that feeling! I want people to know I DO have emotions and I DO cry. I get panic attacks, anxiety attacks, depressed (it's terrible I rarely eat when I am like that) migraines. I think I have uhm eccentric personality disorders and some other psychological crap that my parents don't acknowledge. When I had a boyfriend earlier this year I started to cry when I was trying to talk to him. He smokes and did/does some other things and well I had a very well beloved uncle who died due to drugs and I was terrified he (boyfriend guy) was gonna get into some hardcore drugs. I hate how I kept crying when he dumped me and I hate how even now 3 months after that happened I still every once in a while about him. Crying does feel good only when I wasn't scared of it.
messedupgirl167 messedupgirl167
18-21, F
May 23, 2012