Powerless And HelplessMy youngest daughter is hospitalized for a second time within a month. She is battling suicidal thoughts, depression, cutting, and an eating disorder. I received a phone call at work Saturday at 5:15 from a friend of hers telling me she was talking about hurting herself. I left immediately and came home to find she had taken some pills. We immediately left for the emergency room. They monitored her, and watched her. Because she was a threat to herself, she had to be monitored by hospital staff continuously until a bed at the treatment center became available. There were three others in the same condition, so we all had to wait in the halls of the emergency room. They finally had a room in the hospital for her at 7:30 the next morning, where she would be monitored until the treatment center called saying a room was available.
While this was going on, my next to the youngest, living in a different city, was battling depression and the whole gauntlet there. She has battled this for most of her life. It never gets easier for her when she is going through it, nor does it for me.
On Saturday night, I sat in the wee hours of the morning after having been awake for 21 hours straight, looking at my daughter, finally resting and sleeping. I felt helpless. I felt powerless. I wondered what I could have done differently. I prayed she and her sister could both find help which I had been unable to help them with. And I cried. Tear rolling silently down my cheeks praying for answers.
I do not know what is causing their struggles and their pain. I DO know the pain and helplessness I felt many years ago when I was suicidal and tried to jump out of a moving car AFTER getting out of treatment. I cannot stand the thought of my children having to go through the pain.
I get up in the morning and call the hospital to see how her night was and ask if the doctor has been in yet, then I go to work. In the evening, I leave work and go to visit during visitation. When I leave there I usually find myself going to the bookstore or somewhere to just walk around, then come home and eat. I get on the computer, read, or watch some TV to try to get my mind off of everything. I look at the clock and think about how tired I am and need to go to bed so I can do it again tomorrow. But I don't want too.
I know when I try to go to sleep, even if the TV is on, the silence will become deafening once again, and the thoughts will flood my head. I pick up my book and try to read, until I realize I have been turning the pages, but have no idea what I have read. I go to the TV again, but the silence is even louder. I wake up with a "jump" every hour or so for the most part through the night. I search the internet for possible answers, for treatments, for treatment facilities, for information.
I know they have to find their own answers, I cannot do it for them, but damn I want to be able to!
I have no answer yet. I am still powerless and helpless except in offering my emotional support. The walls are still closing in. The silence is still deafening, and tomorrow, or rather today, is another day.
autumntimes 51-55, F 3 Responses 2 Mar 28, 2012