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Powerless And Helpless

My youngest daughter is hospitalized for a second time within a month. She is battling suicidal thoughts, depression, cutting, and an eating disorder. I received a phone call at work Saturday at 5:15 from a friend of hers telling me she was talking about hurting herself. I left immediately and came home to find she had taken some pills. We immediately left for the emergency room. They monitored her, and watched her. Because she was a threat to herself, she had to be monitored by hospital staff continuously until a bed at the treatment center became available. There were three others in the same condition, so we all had to wait in the halls of the emergency room. They finally had a room in the hospital for her at 7:30 the next morning, where she would be monitored until the treatment center called saying a room was available.

While this was going on, my next to the youngest, living in a different city, was battling depression and the whole gauntlet there. She has battled this for most of her life. It never gets easier for her when she is going through it, nor does it for me.

On Saturday night, I sat in the wee hours of the morning after having been awake for 21 hours straight, looking at my daughter, finally resting and sleeping. I felt helpless. I felt powerless. I wondered what I could have done differently. I prayed she and her sister could both find help which I had been unable to help them with. And I cried. Tear rolling silently down my cheeks praying for answers.

I do not know what is causing their struggles and their pain. I DO know the pain and helplessness I felt many years ago when I was suicidal and tried to jump out of a moving car AFTER getting out of treatment. I cannot stand the thought of my children having to go through the pain.

I get up in the morning and call the hospital to see how her night was and ask if the doctor has been in yet, then I go to work. In the evening, I leave work and go to visit during visitation. When I leave there I usually find myself going to the bookstore or somewhere to just walk around, then come home and eat. I get on the computer, read, or watch some TV to try to get my mind off of everything. I look at the clock and think about how tired I am and need to go to bed so I can do it again tomorrow. But I don't want too.

I know when I try to go to sleep, even if the TV is on, the silence will become deafening once again, and the thoughts will flood my head. I pick up my book and try to read, until I realize I have been turning the pages, but have no idea what I have read. I go to the TV again, but the silence is even louder. I wake up with a "jump" every hour or so for the most part through the night. I search the internet for possible answers, for treatments, for treatment facilities, for information.

I know they have to find their own answers, I cannot do it for them, but damn I want to be able to!

I have no answer yet. I am still powerless and helpless except in offering my emotional support. The walls are still closing in. The silence is still deafening, and tomorrow, or rather today, is another day.
autumntimes autumntimes 51-55, F 3 Responses Mar 28, 2012

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this was written almost a year ago now...how are they now?

Thank you for your concern :). They seem to be doing better in many ways, yet still struggle in others. They both still have their own battles with depression, but thankfully at this moment not as badly. One just got married, and is doing better and trying to approach the eating disorder in a much healthier way, and it seems to be helping with the depression and anxiety. My other daughter who has battled this most of her life, is in a bad relationship, verbally abusive and threats of physical. However, she is about to make a change and move out and away from him, and hopefully going tomorrow for a restraining order. It is a difficult time for her, but for right now she is holding up very well under the circumstances. So, I guess as many of us do, there may always be struggles with depression and what and how we deal with life. It does not keep a mom from feeling helpless, and it certainly does not keep the depression and helpless feelings at bay. All we can do is keep trying.

Thank you for your comment. :)<br />
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Yes, my children (3 are adults now, and youngest will be 18 soon) all know the struggles I had. However, I do not dwell on them or give them all the details. Instead of concentrating on the pain I felt, I share with them the strength and insight I gained from the experience. Above all, I let them know I never truly wanted to die, I just did not know how to live. I try my best to teach them to live with no regrets that to turn the negatives to a positive and realize that we all make mistakes and the best thing we can do is to turn all mistakes we make into learning experiences. They are also aware that I know it is not always an easy thing to do, and obviously I can still struggle with it myself.<br />
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Usually I can do pretty well with handling things. This just is not one of those times. Yes, on the outside I probably appear to be handling it better than I am. The days are much easier than the nights. The nights just feel endless and hopeless sometimes, but I am trying to do better. <br />
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My daughter was released today, and now going into day treatment while they are searching for a possible residential treatment for her eating disorder.. I still feel helpless and alone. I am just trying to keep her from feeling the same. I just feel alone.

wow,<br />
you strong women you have come through all that and still standing, you have the same powers as me, i seem never to show any emotions just get on with the task in hand but inside i'm thinking what have i done to deserve this?, but our children trying to destroy life before it's begun thats devastating, you said that you had the same tendancies when you were younger, could this be related, did they know that you had these tendancies when you were young,?