Must Continue OnI thought I had met my match, long ago, we fell in love, he was extremely smart, charming, charismatic, and has a silver tongue. We dated, I got pregnant. He manned up and took on the responsibility. He was there when I got into the bad wreck that almost took both my legs, he was there when my mom died. We had tough times, and we had good times. We did get married... that was 12yrs ago, and now, my heart cant stop hurting. He loves another. He thinks i've stepped out of our marriage, but i cannot and will not do such a thing. I made a commitment, and thats that. He says he's never touched another woman, but with 3 different females, fights have broken out between us. He says he loves me, just not in love with me. My god, that hurts. He wants spontaneity, and to travel. I like to have my roots and stay put. I cant go the places he wants to go, metal in my legs prevents me from alot of things. No one seems to understand how much they hurt. Says that he hasnt been in love with me for a few years now. I could kind of tell. After childbirth and accident, it wasnt easy to loose weight, and apparently to him alot rests on the physical attraction. Also after childbirth, he wasnt able to give me a real ****** anymore, so sex wasnt that important to me, but he's never been one to think with the brain between his legs.
But now.. omg now... my heart splits. He loves a co-worker who lives next door that I thought was a friend, someone I confided in with the last girl we fought over. I cant trust her anymore either now, and it kills me. He says he's not going anywhere, wont touch her, and that he's not leaving our daughter until she can stand on her own 2 feet. She's at least 8 years from that. I dont want a divorce, i dont believe in them. I said for better or for worse that I would marry him, and I did. So now, for the next 8yrs, the man i thought i would spend the rest of my life with will be living under the same roof as me, and i cant even touch him for a hug, because he doent like to be touched as he says. I feel so cold, so alone, and hurt. My chest, my heart has a physical pain to it. I randomly cry, i try not to think about it, but it just hurts. He says he's sorry, that he didnt mean to hurt me, doesnt want to hurt me, but god.. it hurts more then my legs ever did. Apparently I cant seem to convey my thoughts to him, and according to him im to up tight cause i dont drink and i dont do drugs. But as i see it, while he smokes his pot, if anything were to happen, someone has to be straight, so let him do what he wants, I can withstand the temptations of wanting to party to be the foundation if anything were to happen.
Maybe its just me, maybe im just too weird, i dont know, but i do know, by the time my daughter turns 18, i will have spent half of my life with this man, and its going to just kill me when he leaves. He has told me to go out and get a bf, go have some fun, but what he doesnt understand is I dont want another man. I chose him all those years ago, I stand by my commitments. He has never raised a hand to me or maliciously hurt me, but i almost feel like this is worse.
Now I'm lost. So lost that I cant even sleep in the same bed with him anymore, I took the couch for the last few nights. While we are civil to eachother, it just kills me he's always going to her place, thinking of her, doing things with my daughter with her, will go shopping for her, texts her first thing in the morning, works with her all day, then after work goes to the farm with her, she and her son eat over at our place. She's a couple years older then me, and her son is old enough to be out of the house now, and my husband councils (not professionally) her son for problems. Just a few months ago we helped her leave her husband who did not treat her right, and helped her break away from "flat backing" with the boss who could be her grandfather for pity sakes. She kept those secrets for a few years, but I found out about them, until now i have kept my mouth shut about them. But now, after leaving her husband and her affair with the boss, and living next door to me, now my husband finds an interest in her... and here comes the tears again and the pain in my chest. I have to stop typing, its killing me slowly. I had to get this off my chest though, since i cant talk to anyone around here its such a small town things would come back and create a crap storm for everyone involved. The one thing I want is to just be held, a soft kiss on the forehead and to be told im having a nightmare. I know thats not going to happen, but i wish it would. My family is too far away to just see and talk to, and my one true friend is also far away, having her own issues, so i'm at a loss. Just lost really. I cant move no $, and with the house that i cant sell, in a dinky town with no one i can trust aparently, i just dont know what to do anymore.