Must Continue On

I thought I had met my match, long ago, we fell in love, he was extremely smart, charming, charismatic, and has a silver tongue. We dated, I got pregnant. He manned up and took on the responsibility. He was there when I got into the bad wreck that almost took both my legs, he was there when my mom died. We had tough times, and we had good times. We did get married... that was 12yrs ago, and now, my heart cant stop hurting. He loves another. He thinks i've stepped out of our marriage, but i cannot and will not do such a thing. I made a commitment, and thats that. He says he's never touched another woman, but with 3 different females, fights have broken out between us. He says he loves me, just not in love with me. My god, that hurts. He wants spontaneity, and to travel. I like to have my roots and stay put. I cant go the places he wants to go, metal in my legs prevents me from alot of things. No one seems to understand how much they hurt. Says that he hasnt been in love with me for a few years now. I could kind of tell. After childbirth and accident, it wasnt easy to loose weight, and apparently to him alot rests on the physical attraction. Also after childbirth, he wasnt able to give me a real ****** anymore, so sex wasnt that important to me, but he's never been one to think with the brain between his legs.

But now.. omg now... my heart splits. He loves a co-worker who lives next door that I thought was a friend, someone I confided in with the last girl we fought over. I cant trust her anymore either now, and it kills me. He says he's not going anywhere, wont touch her, and that he's not leaving our daughter until she can stand on her own 2 feet. She's at least 8 years from that. I dont want a divorce, i dont believe in them. I said for better or for worse that I would marry him, and I did. So now, for the next 8yrs, the man i thought i would spend the rest of my life with will be living under the same roof as me, and i cant even touch him for a hug, because he doent like to be touched as he says. I feel so cold, so alone, and hurt. My chest, my heart has a physical pain to it. I randomly cry, i try not to think about it, but it just hurts. He says he's sorry, that he didnt mean to hurt me, doesnt want to hurt me, but god.. it hurts more then my legs ever did. Apparently I cant seem to convey my thoughts to him, and according to him im to up tight cause i dont drink and i dont do drugs. But as i see it, while he smokes his pot, if anything were to happen, someone has to be straight, so let him do what he wants, I can withstand the temptations of wanting to party to be the foundation if anything were to happen.

Maybe its just me, maybe im just too weird, i dont know, but i do know, by the time my daughter turns 18, i will have spent half of my life with this man, and its going to just kill me when he leaves. He has told me to go out and get a bf, go have some fun, but what he doesnt understand is I dont want another man. I chose him all those years ago, I stand by my commitments. He has never raised a hand to me or maliciously hurt me, but i almost feel like this is worse.

Now I'm lost. So lost that I cant even sleep in the same bed with him anymore, I took the couch for the last few nights. While we are civil to eachother, it just kills me he's always going to her place, thinking of her, doing things with my daughter with her, will go shopping for her, texts her first thing in the morning, works with her all day, then after work goes to the farm with her, she and her son eat over at our place. She's a couple years older then me, and her son is old enough to be out of the house now, and my husband councils (not professionally) her son for problems. Just a few months ago we helped her leave her husband who did not treat her right, and helped her break away from "flat backing" with the boss who could be her grandfather for pity sakes. She kept those secrets for a few years, but I found out about them, until now i have kept my mouth shut about them. But now, after leaving her husband and her affair with the boss, and living next door to me, now my husband finds an interest in her... and here comes the tears again and the pain in my chest. I have to stop typing, its killing me slowly. I had to get this off my chest though, since i cant talk to anyone around here its such a small town things would come back and create a crap storm for everyone involved. The one thing I want is to just be held, a soft kiss on the forehead and to be told im having a nightmare. I know thats not going to happen, but i wish it would. My family is too far away to just see and talk to, and my one true friend is also far away, having her own issues, so i'm at a loss. Just lost really. I cant move no $, and with the house that i cant sell, in a dinky town with no one i can trust aparently, i just dont know what to do anymore.
fallentears fallentears
31-35
1 Response Feb 18, 2013

Fallentears- theres two ways you can do this. You can either take the pain. take it and be happy with it however you can or set the world on fire. F her F him. Ruin her job, ruin his job. Show him how angry you or instead of how you will cower to anything he says. I cowered for a long time. I let my husband pick everything else, while he shouted at me, physically attacked me. Wouldnt touch me and wouldnt talk to me. I was passive for a long time. but not anymore. 2 weeks ago I blew up. It will be the last damn time someone talks to me that way. doesnt show me love or affection.

Jaded, while i could do that, that would jeopardize my job as well. In the market there isnt enough jobs to just do that lightly, and if you read my reply to squeeks, you would see that would probably affect me as well. My husband has been great to me in the past years. The only thing i can really say, is he's extremely smart, charismatic, and has a hell of a silver tongue on him, he can convince me of alot of things, but he will not force my hand, the only thing he tries to force from me is to go out and get another bf. Though my convictions will not allow me to do that. He does not speak bad to me, nor will he raise his voice or hand at me. That is something I will not tolerate. One time he told me he wouldnt cheat on me because he was afraid I'd shoot him. I think he way saying that jokingly as when we were dating, he told me someone might try to break in (a "friend" that slept over the night before), and well, when i heard someone try to take the door off the hinges i'll be damned if anyone is going to break in with me there, so i set up with my hunting rifle pointed at the top of the stairs and waiting, wouldnt you know it, it was my future hubby that broke into his own place cause he forgot his keys, he didnt want to wake me up, so didnt call or anything, but i thought it was his friend breaking in, and i was gonna scare him (there were no bullets in the gun).

I'm sorry for what you went through, and i'm glad your out of that situation. No one deserves to be treated poorly!