Not Always A Happy EndingI don't know how to forget him, to make the memories stop playing across my mind. It must be fate or a cruel joke right?
Love is so quiet, it just slips up on you.
At 16 I had no idea the boy I spent every free moment with would be the love of my life. I just saw my best friend the goofy guy who could make me laugh when no one else could. The trouble we got into.... ha ha ha. Our ability to have fun doing absolutely nothing is something I havenot found with any other person. Eventually I started to realize that our hugs would last longer, our conversations became deeper, and every single time I would see him smile my heart would jump. He loved someone else, and I was dating a nice parent approved boy. That all changed and when it did..... we jumped into our feelings. I cant decide if I regret that moment or cherish it. Being in love with your best friend is unlike any other type of relationship because you know the other person's faults from the get go. To this day I can predict his every thought. For two years we fought bitterly and made up passionately. Somehow through all the ups and downs we managed to fall back together. It wasn't easy. His ex-girlfriend never quiet made it out of the picture, and my own insecurities always seem to blow everything out of proportion. I was positive that this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and he swore I was the only girl he could ever love. When I thought about the future he was always in it. Every memory that makes me smile from those years somehow revolves around him.
Like every tragedy you have to feel supreme happiness in order to understand complete sadness. As the day J was leaving for basic training came closer and closer, our perfect little picnic was about to end. I was so scared that he would forget to be in love with me, forget everything we had that I never once realized how scared he was of the same things. I let people tell me horrible things and I believed them. In his disbelief that I would even believe the lies, he didn't bother to set me straight. The night before he left for Fort Benning I can remember sitting in my car begging him to come back, crying so hard I couldn't see, and hearing the fireworks going off in the background. His words are burned in my mind three years later, "I will always come back for you."
Of course I believed him, my boyfriend never broke his promises to me.
Summer came and went. It was full of letter writing, stalking the mailbox and sleeping with my phone on loud in the chance that J might call. I was still confused by the rumors going around that he cheated on me but his letters and calls kept my faith in him strong. I loved him so much. I made one mistake though, I was careless with that love; Let him think that we didn't matter, that I had replaced him. I never crossed any lines with T, but I stood right at the point of right and wrong. I didn't understand the mental turmoil guys go through during basic training. That in order to make him army strong they needed to separate him from everything that he ever cared about, including me. Learning to live without out him physically with me was the single most painful time of my life. My best friend, my love, and my coworker all disappeared in one moment. My life was shattered as I knew it. Maybe I don't deserve sympathy, but I know I didn't deserve what happened next.
September 15th, 2011
It was a Thursday night, I had just gotten home from a long day of classes. It was time to sit down and write my nightly letter. This had become a routine for me to write J every night; for those couple minutes it felt like he wasn't so far away. My phone suddenly started going off.... I think I screamed when I saw the text messages from J! In that moment I was the happiest girl in the world. We were finally in a good place, basic training seemed to have made us stronger. He said everything I wanted to hear...That I needed to hear. " I love you and I miss you!"
September 17th, 2011
That BASTARD broke up with me over a text message. Two years of my life wasted and why? Because he still has feeling for his ex... Did I mention that this was 48 hours after telling me how much he missed me and couldn't wait to see me... That I was the only one that had his heart. So I did what any self respecting girl would do in my position. I dated his best friend. Surviving my junior year in college was complete hell. Everywhere I turned I was reminded of how much my heart was broken. J had exploited my worst fear, being forgettable. Its like the breakup didn't phase him. I did everything in my power to hurt him, to make him show some sort of emotion besides indifference.When he got back from ATI school he and the ex-girlfriend made things official. She is everything I am not: skinny, beautiful, miserable and super needy. Facebook was plastered with their love. The worst part of it all.... Everything he said to her was repeat to what I had spent years listening to and believing.. Word for freaking word. Th lack of originality was annoying to say the least. Block Block Block
The months following our breakup are a blur full of finding God, drunken nights and faking love for a boy that deserved more than I could ever give him. I felt so alone even though I constantly surrounded myself with people. I sorted through the hurt. I think deep down I expected him to come back, that this was just a little set back. I didn't let myself feel anything for the boys who paraded through my life because that would be betraying my heart. Every single time I got to a point where I would be able to face the reality that things were over J would pop back in. Its like he couldn't make up his mind between me and O. He would text and call... I always answered; sometimes sober, sometimes drunk, it didn't matter. No matter how many times we pretended to be "just" friends the feelings were still to intense. I couldn't understand why if he regretted loosing me so much he never bothered to try to get me back. I spent so much time waiting... Just in case.
J proposes to O. She says yes.
Thats when it hit me. It. Was. Over. For. Good. All those promises were broken, He forgot about us and found someone else.
That boy still crosses my mind everyday. I wish I could say I have forgotten him, but I didn't. The feelings are sometimes just as strong as that first kiss under the tree in the park. and other times they feel distant, like maybe it was all a dream. He still contacts me but its less often and there is less to say. We have developed a pattern, he fights with fiancee, comes to me, they make up and he runs back to her. Each time it happens I get a little bit stronger. I think loosing him completely would hurt more than I can bare; so this is enough for me. He is broken too, I guess it took getting beyond my own pain to see his. I think that is the saddest part of this whole experience, seeing the broken, sad, man where my happy go lucky boy used to be... This is not how I imagined my life to be. I want to protect him, to shield him from hurt but I cant because we aren't 16 anymore and he isn't mine. So instead I will keep trying to move forward.. I wish this could have a happy ending but there just isn't one for us. We are just two people with a past. I hope that somewhere in a parallel universe a Emi and J are living out all those dreams we were never quite able to reach.
I am happy.
Morals of this story
Falling in love is easy, falling out of love is hard
Happy endings don't happen in every love story