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You Have A Boyfriend, Stop Flirting With Mine!!!

So my boyfriend stays over at my house every weekend because he lives 40 minutes away and he works full time. He goes on his Facebook on my laptop while he's here. A few weeks ago, the day after he'd gone I was on my computer and decided to use my other browser. He was still logged on on it and he was talking to one of his female friends (blond,skinny,very intimidating) and by talking, I mean full on flirting. The first bit was ok, because they were talking about me, and although it was something like "can I add her I want to see what she looks like" it was nothing too bad.

Most of the convo however was mainly her, saying stuff like: "that's not the only thing I'm good at" and "save a dance for me" "will your girlfriend join US for a dance", lots and lots of xxxx, that sort of thing. Ridiculous thing is, this was HER BOYFRIEND'S birthday party she was talking about dancing at!!! Her boyfriend is also one of his best friends. Worst thing is for me, he was supposed to be talking to me at the same time, but I had been waiting for a response for about five minutes because he was too busy chatting to her.

So, I confronted him about this straight away. First of all, he tried to pass it off as "banter"  which I was absolutely not having any of. Then he apologised and said he wouldn't do it again, did all the "you won't split up with me" kinda stuff which is an absolute conversation killer, because I end up having to comfort him and treat him like a child when I want to have an adult discussion. But we got over that. When she added me I made a point of talking to her, and hinting that I knew what she was up to. It was like talking to a brick wall, like she didn't care. Then she told me a pack of really nasty lies about his family and totally exaggerated the friendship her and my boyfriend had. A few days later, she posted on his wall inviting him to Spain next year, and although he didn't really respond it evoked the response she presumably wanted in me-worry mainly.

A few weeks later I found some really REALLY dodgy stuff on his laptop history- things that when I told my best friend about it in an absolute panic she advised to me to get a train out of there while he was at work...I didn't, waited for him to get back, told him, same sort of thing happened and I forgave him because I was satisfied he genuinely was sorry.

The second time he was still logged on was yesterday and while it was a lot better, he's still speaking to this b****! He initiated the conversation, and while he literally just said hi and then didn't reply to her and carried on speaking to me, I felt a bit let down.

I have a lot less trust than I did before all the computer stuff kicked off. I know Facebook isn't the be all and end all, and it can be a relationship killer but in my mind, fb chat flirting is emotional cheating at the very least. We discussed this and his viewpoint is that it's only cheating if two people actually meet up and sleep together etc, but he said he would feel angry and betrayed if I had done the same thing he had...which really confused me as to why he did it :/

So basically, how can I learn to trust my boyfriend enough not to go checking his Facebook and what should I do about this girl, if anything?? I know it's stupid to tell him he can't talk to her, but the fact that they're still in contact (and that she lives so much closer to him than me) makes me quite insecure and miserable sometimes. It's getting easier to trust the longer I'm with him, but still the seeds of doubt have been well and truly sown :(
papercastles papercastles 22-25, F 6 Responses Jan 6, 2011

Your Response


I think that reading someone else's messages on Facebook is worse then eavesdropping. And it is easy to take it out of context. Every bloke knows that there are plenty of fish in the ocean and good friends are hard to come by. So I doubt that he would be chatting up his mates girl. Maybe its just sexual banter because they are so close. But if he does seem like one of them people who would sleep with his friends girl then you don't want to know him anyways.
Or maybe ask yourself why its fun for him to flirt with her and not you

Well, I know I don't know you really, nor your boyfriend, so I'm not intending this as a personal comment; just a general opinion. I tend to think that there are so many options now, and so many very easy ways to "cheat" if someone wants to, the mind just boggles. I think what it can boil down to is checking if a partners attitudes and valuesmatch, and if their subsequent choices of behaviour can be seen to match those attitudes and values. If they don't, my suspicion is the relationship's going to be rocky, always. Just my thoughts. Hope things work in your favour papercastles. Thanks for sharing your thoughts in detail.

Thank you but this is years old :) I broke up with him haha

I feel so abused by EP!

Aww let it out! Hahaha

Boohoo. Boohoohoohoo hoo ;-( [ ;-) ]

*awkward pat on back*

My own fault really. Now that I look at it, it does say 2011..!

Yeah, he was a ****....

To have is essential, to be is most undesirable!

Deep, my friend, deep

Deep can be good sometimes :)

Course! :D

There's the whole "How deep is your love?" question which really makes me wish sometimes that I was neither so visual nor so literal. We all have our thing. Sigh... ;-)

9 More Responses

ha ! Facebook ! pooooooooooo

No course not-sometimes girls can be way worse. I think when you're on the receiving end, it's bad whether you're male or female. I just can't understand why some girls/boys whatever find it exciting and actually have the nerve to do it!

thanks :) well he's not friends with the girl anymore and we're still together, so it's working out ok! SO annoying at the time though. I just don't understand how men's minds work it's so weird! :D

I know this must be absolutely awful for you, but at the end of the day, if he wanted to be with her, he WOULD be. She's obviously keen for him and he is well aware of that. She's sent a hell of alot of signals and a lot of flirtation, while he may have responded, this does not necessarily mean he wants her. If that was the case, you wouldn't be in the picture! Some men just love the attention of a woman who is not their girlfriend. This doesn't mean they want to cheat on you, it simply means that a man still wants to know that he is attractive to women. It's a confidence thing. Don't let her make you feel insecure. YOU are the one who has him not her. She is nothing more than a reassurance that he has 'still got it'. At the end of the day, you are the girl he will turn to if he's upset for comfort and you're the girl he's with. I hope your relationship works out :)