Another Day Of Torment Coming Soon.

I have a dentist appointment coming this Friday. I'm not looking forward too it either. It's not that i hate the dentist, she's a nice mature, experienced woman. The only time I ever had an issue with my current dentist was when i was 17, and new too her office, and she insisted on calling me "scooter". No 17 yr old  wants to be referred too as "scooter". Sorry.

It's the hygienists that I don't care for much.

Hygienists annoy me. And before I'm scolded for making such an all-encompassing statement putting down someone career choice, I don't mean "all hygienists", just the ones who've worked on me. I don't have a whole lot of worldly experiences with dentist offices. I've only been a patient for two dentists since birth. So understand that my experiences and opinions to wit, are limited.

But honestly, what is with hygienists?? No matter how pearly white my teeth can be, they find fault. " have a little shadow back there. Need to floss more" or worse "just working a little problem area..."

I wonder, do hygienists ever have patients with perfect teeth? Do THEY have perfect teeth? I kind of doubt it. Nobody can rise to the level of oral hygiene they recommend. And, I'm betting they probably don't get scolded by their own hygienists. That would be like a cop giving another cop a traffic ticket, rarely happens I'm sure. So if they are professionally dismissed from the hygienists 'observations'-- how do they know if they are even practicing what they preach?

And how about some positive encouragement sometime? "Wow..looks like i need some sunglasses for this mouth" would be a welcome statement. That may be a bit of an exaggeration, but my point is still valid.

We all hate this. Meaningless conversations that are filled with questions that require a verbal response - which is impossible when 3 fingers, an angled mirror, and a sharp poking tool fills your mouth. And yes -- its called a poking tool, regardless of it's technical name. Its made for poking patients gums for their sadistic enjoyment all while pretending its all part of the examination. Sorry, I'm not buyin it.


Don't you hate this word, especially being said by a woman with a mission and pokey tool? "Open!". Scolding words I tell you! They keep your jaw in a unnatural position for 20 minutes at time, and expect it to be wide open for the duration. The average adult jaw has an open range of 1.25984 inches to 3.01496 inches.... but a hygienist will always insist you go wider. 3.01505? There...better?

"Open!" I think this word, and this word alone has GOT to be the most said single word in a dentist office. Next time your at the dentist, challenge them to think of how many times that word is said in a single day. It's got to be in the thousands. This could be a thesis for a college funded study. Hey why not, the University of California had a 4 year study to see if isolated female dauphins would develop homosexual tendencies. Surely knowing the number of times your hygienist says "Open!" may have an equal level of interest as knowing if a dauphin could become a lesbian.

Gender inequality! I protest!

There is a disproportionate number of male hygienists to female hygienists -- or more specifically, cute male hygienists. I would be more willing and excited to see the dentist knowing I could stare up an cute face. I wouldn't even care about the career mandated scolding and ridicule. I could get lost in a cute face. But noooooo. I get the intensive looking woman glaring down my throat, both hands working vigilantly at all my "faults", all while pushing her left boob into my ear.

I miss spitting:

When I was young, and at my old dentist, I did have an equalizing activity to pacify my disdain for hygienists. I could spit.

Now, no more spitting. This is unfair. Spitting provided three valuable functions. Clear your mouth of fluids, relax your jaw bone, and without words, show your displeasure for the hygienist who's working on you. That's all gone now with the advent of the hooked suction tube and the disgusting slurping sound that it makes.

Disgusting Flavor choices:

"Would you like grape, cherry, bubble gum, pina colada, or mint polish?"

Um, I want...toothpaste flavored toothpaste. "Sorry. We don't have that". Seriously?? Dentists don't have just plain-ol toothpaste flavored toothpaste. I'm not a big fan of any of the above, with mint being the only acceptable choice, and barely at that. And one would think "bubble gum" would not be something that's encouraged by a dentist. It must be "sugar free" flavored bubble gum. Have you ever tried sugar-free bubble gum?? It tastes like a used pencil eraser. I can't imagine it giving me a clean mouth feeling which when you think about it is the very point of going to the dentist in the first place.

Even though I hate it, I'll still go. I have no cavities (yet), and do take care of my teeth despite what "they" say.  Maybe this time I'll bring a sign with me. The common one we all see in front of small shops and businesses.

"Yes -- I'm OPEN".

kellysimon kellysimon
22-25, F
2 Responses Jan 7, 2013


This made me laugh so much! You are right about those evil hygienists. If I'm scolded one more time for not flossing 5 times a day, I may take hostages >:) Then there is the endless scraping to get off the most minute speck of plaque. I want to scream "leave it! It's happy where it is and I'd like to get out of here without needing a blood transfusion." I don't mind the suction, although being able to spit in disgust again would be nice. At least my dentist uses spearmint flavored baking soda polish. I prefer that to the gritty paste. Good luck on Friday!