You Deserve Whatever You're Willing To Put Up With.

I was 22, he was 40. He was my boss. He looked 10 years younger than he was, and he had his life together in my eyes. He was very handsome. Gradually over two years, I went from being a happy, healthy, sociable young adult to an anxious, abused, emotionally/physically sick young adult.

I developed an eating disorder, a dependence on a prescription drug, probably several personality disorders, but anxiety and depression stood out the most. I began accusing my own friends of sleeping with him, he manipulated those ideas because he didnt want me to have any friends, he didnt want anyone to think I was right about what he did to me and he wanted me to look crazy/unstable. Every day I was miserable, but I stayed bc I thought I deserved it. Up until one day, I realized- I will never find what I was looking for: the answer to WHY he was doing that to me. I took responsibility for being manipulated. I left my job and friends. It took about 5 months after that for us to be completely over... But it is amazing the clarity I found without closure or answers. He still affects me to this day, I think I suffer from some PTSD symptoms from his emotional abuse and lying for so many years.

Nobody deserves to be hit or abused in anyway. But everybody should have enough self appreciation to know this. If you're in an abusive relationship- you will get out when you're ready; just make it sooner than later. No matter how much you think you've lost, or how much you think they love you and may change: THEY WILL NOT.

You are not crazy either. Or alone.

The answers you're looking for you will never receive.

He hurt me so many times, to the point I wrote out my own suicide plans in a journal. One excerpt was a plot of how I could kill myself and try and make him look guilty of homicide (bc he would never have actually killed me being he loved himself too much; narcissistic personality disorder). But this excerpt was different because after it, I wrote "I want to live." That same night I told him those exact words, and told him I was done. He sat calmly on his couch and said "ok whatever." And acted like I was yet again the drama or a nuisance. I left, and he text me as expected. He began accusing me of going to "screw your other bf?" And eventually told me to come back. I went back thinking that this time wouldn't be any different. That ill walk in and go to bed and tomorrow things will be exactly the same... I sat in his driveway and he kept texting me and I finally replied "I don't deserve how you treat me. I don't want you to bother me again when I leave." He replied "You don't deserve it; then why are you sitting in my driveway?"

At that moment I realized, what he realized already, that I put up with what he did because I believed I deserved it. Once I believed I truly did not deserve what he did to me- I was able to leave him for good.

Less than a month after that, people told me everyday how happy I looked and how happy they were I got away from all that.

I loved him, but in the end I'm glad I realized I love myself more.

You deserve the world, happiness, love, and respect. Don't ever settle for less.
CallieRae CallieRae
1 Response Nov 26, 2012

its especially hard to get out, whether the abuse is subtle or obvious, a lilttle or a lot, its much harder to get out of when its your frist real relationship ever!

Those words couldn't be any truer! It has been one year since I left, and who would've known that leaving was only the first step in recovering from the abuse. I developed severe social anxiety towards the end of the relationship but it only worsened over the following months. I have been dealing with it and trying to talk myself "down" from anxious episodes, but I do still have them often. I'm going to assume its probably normal after going through an abusive relationship, but have you heard of this happening? Any advice on how to deal with the anxiety?

yes I have heard of this happening. talk to a doctor. or find an eft specialist - like emotional freedom technique or energy therapy.

its a complete recovery process. its gonna take a while.