Shot Down Everytime.When told no to everyone you like is a real shot to the self esstem.
Starting out at a new school had its ups and downs. I was bullied alot this year, but there was somethings that made it better. One was a guy named Ali. He was a hispanic guy with black and brown hair,but around the same age. I dont remember how I became attracted to this guy, but it was sort of one of those love at first sight things. Well after the fact, I told my best friend at the time and Im guessing some girls were easedropping at out conversation, and they werent exactly my friends either...So in about a week or two alot of people begain to know that I have this crush on this guy, and Im like how in the world? Of course he finds out, but nothing happends. We have never spoke before and he really wasnt about to speak to me now. Back then I was known as the fat girl. That use to be the name students would give me. I guess he caught wind of it,because when he saw me in the hallways, he would look in other directions or just point blank look through me. To him I was invisable and it hurt. One of the girls who road me bus also caught wind of it, but guess what she did? She started dating him! I would see him holding hands and giggling and whatnot. It pissed me off so much.because I knew why he chose her. She was pretty after all, had a nice body, long hair and very pretty skin. At a time like 6th grade no guy is going to want a girl with personailty...So it was a done deal the moment she said she liked him. I knew she didnt like him,but it was ment for a slap in the face for me. One day on the bus I heard some girls talking about him,because he was moving and she had the nerve to say. "Didnt you use to like him?" I just gave her this dirty look like "***** you knew I liked him why would you ask me something like that?" She just smiled and ingored me after that. He did end up moving and I havent seen him again till this day. That was almost seven years ago.
Since the sixth grade I had developed a crush on this kurdish guy name Majeed. He was so very sweet to me and we would often joke about everything. During that year he was so kind and didnt judge me like the other students. Despite being semi popular he gave me a chance. When seventh started I found myself looking at him more than I should and the butterfies wouldnt go away. A kurdish girl by the name of Karazan asked me why I was looking in his direction. I just brushed it off as looking out the window, but she read through it. "So you like Majeed huh?" she giggled. I finally admit it and she laughed her *** off. "How can you like someone like him?" She asked. I didnt care what she thought afterall he was my crush. So after a few days she begain picking on me and gassing my head up to write him a letter. It worked, sometime that week I wrote him a little love letter without my name saying that Ive liked him since forever, but not to tell anyone. The next day was a sucuess,because he wrote back to me telling me that he wouldnt tell who I was and that he doesnt really know what to say to someone he doesnt know. So by this time a few more girls had come into the picture to further gas my head up, So i guess you know now that I had sent him another letter, putting my name thinking I would have a chance with him. Man was I wrong....
One of the girls gave him the letter at lunch, and he told everyone! all the popular kids laughed and looked in my direction pointing. He looked at me with disgust, and it was the first time I had ever seen him look that way to me. The Majeed that I knew always smiled and was happy to see me, while this one was rude and emotionless to my feelings. All the girls kept laughing while the guys laughed out loud like my feelings were a huge joke. I started crying,because I realy did trust him not to tell anyone, and I thought he would be gentle about it.
So after lunch I was with my best friend when he came up to my locker and said. "Sorry...but no." All i said was ok, because he was sort of back to the way he was, but little did I know thats where the nightmare begain. The last good thing he said to me was" Are we cool?" and I said yes. After that, it was the end of the old Majeed. Everytime he saw me from then on, was Get out of my face, Why are you near me? What do you want? or he would scoot out of my way like I was some sort of desease. This lasted all the way up to tenth grade and the last good thing he did for me was sign my yearbook. As we did get up into high school he just point blank ignored me. Though he you can say did some "growing up" he still treated me like I was infected with something. Want to know something really ironic? Remember Karazan? the next year after the fail attempt to tell Majeed of my feelings, guess who started dating him? Ding Ding! she smiled in my face when I asked her was she dating him. She didnt care about my feelings, nor was she my friend. I had to sit in class watching them why they were hugged up or whatever. It was indeed torture. I beleive this is when I gave up on trying to be friends with females.
By now you would have probably thought I would give up home since the first two were failures, but once again I find myself atrracted to a guy name Joda. He was a very tall white guy, but he had beautiful blue eyes and that was enough to wow me to the moon. Anyway I just kept it to myself for a while untill Valentines day was drawing near. At that moment I knew that I had to do. I didnt really tell anyone of this crush, because I knew that they would just turn out like all the other guys the pevious years, I did in fact tell my best friend though and she agreed to the Valentines day. So during Valentines week I got him a card that I just fell in love with the moment I saw it. It was deep, but not Im just so in love with you deep. It was more of a I hope you notice me,because I like you sort of thing. I was determied to not mess this one up because I really liked him and I dont know why. Im not desprite or anything, I wasnt looking for a boyfriend, My emotions were just making me fall for this types of guys. So once the big day arrived my best friend gave him the card, but my nightmares came back. Someone knew her as my best friend and he was out to get me as it is. So he found out it was me, he told him who I was and tourtured me everytime he saw me. I beleive Joda knew who I was, but he never even once spoke to me, or said Hi he kind of just looked off into the distance as Ali did with me. Not long after my little love card disaster, He got with this girl. Whats funny was I wasnt even mad. I was use to it,because it seemed like every guy I would presue would be taken right after I told him.
I was starting to beleive I was cursed and I pretty much gave up after that. I was really sick of the same old thing, I do admit I tried onemore time in school and it was my freshman year. Though it was another failure, He was very nice about it and he did speak to me, so it wasnt all bad.
After that I never had a crush on a guy again. No. It was more like I refused to have any crushes on anyone,because I didnt want to have to go threw that crap of being shot down everytime, and to top it off have a girl I knew or once knew steal him away in the bl
I will admit that this has affected my self esstem and I dont talk to boys anymore... Im afraid that its just going to happend again so I stay away. I feel that since im older it is even more harder to do, because there is so much competion with females now its not even funny. I would rather just sit amugst the sidelines until I feel like i am ready for that sort of thing, but as of right now Im not going to put to much work into it and stay off the scene.
EmpressJudge 18-21, F 2 Responses 0 Aug 24, 2011