Crushed By A Crush

Of course, every young girl has that crush in Highschool. The one that will NEVER happen, but you want it too. I'm sure boys expirience this too, but I'm not a boy so I'm not sure.
I, of all people, know why having a crush is a stupid thing to do. Because in the end, having a crush, crushes you. I have been crushed by crushes many times. Though I'm only 17, I feel like love is this sick joke. It pulls you in, sometimes drags you in very unwillingly, and spits you back out like someone spitting out a half chewed up piece of undercooked meat.
The reason I feel so bitter about love and crushes is because of a boy that I've liked for about three years now. And I find myself wishing to go back in time and undo everything that I did to him, and everything that he did to me. I've never done anything with a guy. No hand holding, no kissing, no sex. And I was fine with that. Perfectly content to be a normal girl, never really feeling the need for a boyfriend or anything like that. But then he moved to our school. For the sake of my story I'll call him Mike.
He was so shy, and quiet, and I talked to him. In fact, I found myself talking to him quite often. And he was such an interesting and sweet guy. Sometimes after school we'd just hang out and talk for hours, and, I grew to like him...a lot. That terrified me, it still does! No one my age should be feeling this for some one! Surely it's horomones or something! I'd never trusted anyone like that.
This continued for a while, then I got it in my mind that I was going to tell Mike how I felt and kiss him. One night as we were walking together I leaned in and kissed his cheek. In total shock I said "Bye Mike." And turned and walked home as fast as could. It was a completely different expirence for me and I wanted more.
But more wouldn't ever happen. Our friendship flew south and I often ask myself why. Probably because I was too immature for a relationship, maybe I was too scared, maybe he was. After a few months, we stopped talking.
A year passed. I had no other relationships. He had three different girlfriends, did drugs, stole from people, got arrested. I was mad. Furious. I couldn't believe that he would do this to himself. This kind, caring, wonderful guy that had owned my heart had done all of this. I was in shock and I felt like everything he told me was a lie.
For about three months I wouldn't even look at him or think about him without this, this surge of anger. Then it happened.
About a month or two ago he spoke to me. We talked, I was skeptical of him, and he was hurt. I could see it in his eyes. I know you must think that I was only fooling myself, that he's a liar and a horrid person. But the hurt was there, I saw it. And I found my defenses weakening.
Eventually, I spoke back to him. Now we talk all the time. And I'm finding myself liking him again. How is this even possible? How?! I'd hated his guts, been happy when misfortune hit him in the face! Why do I like him again?!
I can only come up with two conclusions:1) I am in love
2) I'm addicted to having crushes and being crushed
I hope it's the second.
An Ep User An EP User
3 Responses Jan 23, 2013

I can relate to some of your story­čśĆ

He likes you, he would only go on a self-destructive rampage if you cut yourself off from him. He was mad, even madder than you. He was happy to have a friend for once, and you just walked out of his life, and when you kissed him on the cheek he was so excited, then when "Bye Mike" came out of your mouth, he was absolutely crushed. Have a serious talk with him, ask him why hes hurt, and attempt to make his pain more bareable. You sound smart, so go show him what you feel, i know you can. You may be in love, if he feels the same way about you then dont take it for granted, love is a beautiful thing, that can overcome every single obstacle you put in its path. Dont ignore the feeling, embrace it. Even if it doesnt work out, he'll still think of you as "that one girl that changed the way i look at life", if you dont have a serious talk with him he'll be thinking "Wow, that girl i liked for years didnt like me back, and it hurt me alot" FOR F**KS SAKE, he was crushed when you cut him off

you are bad like everyone